Thursday, April 2, 2020

Tooting and Mitcham 0 - Covid 19

So thats it, 2019-20 over done and dusted (probably).  - Tooting and Mitcham 0 Covid 19, does sound like a result from our 2011-12 season but instead of a heart breaking trip down memory lane this means that because some one decided to have a "Bat and Pangolin Toasty" instead of cornflakes or a packet of crisps for a snack this season has pretty much been written off.

" I don't care if the shelves are empty, if I don't get my bastard bean shoots, you're getting a punch in the fucking throat"

"Bat and Pangolin Toasty" does sound like something they'd serve up at half time at Dulwich along with a organic seaweed pesto and honey glazed turnip fries as part of a 14 quid meal deal along with a pineapple and stinging nettle infused IPA brewed in some blokes garden shed in Bexleyheath.
Typical bloody Toots, get the season back on track and the bloody thing gets cancelled. Of course we would have won the league with 12 points to spare and had most of our squad represent England in the Euros, but it was not to be. With Dulwich hovering around the relegation places they must be slightly releived as well. Bastards.

I spent over two weeks with "mild" symptoms  of the Coronavirus and I promise you It was no fun what so ever. So take care all of my Dear Readers and don't take things lightly. Wash your hands and change your underpants every half hour just to make sure. I though that after surviving the gents toilets at Barking that I would be pretty much immune to 99.9999% of all viruses but this knocked me for six.

Day one of isolation in Hackbridge Towers March 2020. 

So a big clap to all NHS staff, carers and any poor sod who's looked after loved ones and a huge dose of clap to all hoarders and twats who filled their houses with toilet roll, hand sanitizer and food they'll never eat.
Day seven of isolation in Hackbridge Towers March 2020. 

I've watched all 10 series of "The Walking Dead" and not once did I see an episode when Rick and the gang went of to find toilet rolls. My main concern was that if I was to die that my last football match would have been Sutton United v Hartlepool which would have put the dampeners on my funeral and turned a happy event of joy and fun into a rather awkward couple of hours of small talk and shoe gazing.  

Day fourteen  of isolation in Hackbridge Towers March 2020. 
Anyway I now seem to be over the worse of things and just as well as Mrs H has finished drinking the last of the Hand sanitizer after spending all this time locked in doors with me and Ant.... which must be fun.
Back to more important things, I'll name drop those chaps over at South London is Black and White who have continued to put up loads of well written Terrors related blogs apart from the rubbish that Phil Nightingale has put up obviously. Pop over and say hello and if you have anything to added to the online Terror community please drop them an email
And everyone over at St Matthews Project, who have become regulars over at Fortress Imperial and one in particular who uses his Saturday Afternoons as much needed moaning sessions. They do great work over there so again pop over and say hello and send them plenty of love and support.

The Covid virus will hit groups like SMP and the great work they do so please support what they do.

Who knows when I'll be back... Soon I hope, Stay Safe everyone and keep your underpants clean.

Up The Terrors !!!!!!


Monday, March 9, 2020

Lord of the Ring

Well dear reader. A tale of two epic journeys, one to the far flung reaches of East London where the wind blows and the locals moan. Then on to the Wild West where it doesn’t blow to much and the locals apart from one didn’t moan too much.

Another good travel book but have they been to Barking ? 

So, like little hairy footed Hobbits me and Bog End Ant set off on our first epic trip to Barking away. Normally a straight forward trip from Hackbridge Towers but with TFL deciding the balls up every route with engineering works and line closures the trip over to The Land of The Garnets was to be interesting. But even fucking Tolkien would struggle to put into words how shit my day would turn out to be. After about four changes and ending up on something called the C2C line? we arrived in the land of Eastern Delights finally.
After slaying dragons and meeting strange and evil smelling people in the spoons outside Barking Station we headed to the ground full of the local ales and mead to watch the glorious Terrors strike down the Alfs of Barking. Guess what happened….
Well the wind didn’t help as Hurricane Doris blew in over the tops of the luxury housing but after Toots went one nil up the travelling Tooty Wootys were fairly optimistic about the game. Tooting and Mitcham are either mind blowinly great or not… Barking away was a “not” day. Many of the players on show were new to the club as the management team brought in severval new players to help put a block on the slight wobble Toots were having. It didn’t take long for Barking to get one back and deep down we all knew what would happen. We had a female ref as well and being the trendy lefty snowflake type I was hoping that she would have a good game and not have to put up with any out of order comments or sexist chants from the Terrace Oscar Wilds in attendance. You be pleased to know that in the spirit of equality that she was just as fucking shite as any male match official had been this season. So, one in the eye to anyone who is against Women in football. Missing a blatant penalty in the second half and allowing both teams to stand around looking lost for large periods of the game, while the officials looked at each other with blank expressions. Yes, we lost… And another ex-player Mike Dixon scored which just added to the perfect day in the exotic East of London.

The journey home would have tested the hardest hobbit or dwarf as every single bastard way home was blocked by those evil wizard sleeves TFL. Ant and I walking first for miles through the City of London then for miles in bastard Wimbledon (Wanky Wanky Wombles) in the vain search for something to eat that would not cost a second bloody mortgage. Ending up in Tooting where after a long and in truth rather shit day I came close to having a meltdown in a fried chicken shop outside Tooting Broadway Station as they took hours doing my very hard order of two potions of chips and some chicken nuggets. The food outlet at Barking looked about as hygienic as the toilets so we swerved the chips at the game leading to major hunger pains on our trek back to the fields and glens of Hackbridge. We finally got in about 9ish, I’ve had some crap days following Tooting but this would be in the top five which as anyone knows following TMUFC is quite a statement.

I missed the mid-week trip to Westfields and the delights of Woking on a Tuesday night therefore missing what I’m told was a good battling performance after going one nil down early on to one of our many promotion rivals and earning a 1-1 draw and hopefully putting an end to the slight hiccup the club was going through on the pitch.


Now for the Wild West trip to Hanwell, a sleepy rustic village just off the A40 were at the age of 15 I had my first tattoo done in a place that made the tea hut at Barking look like an BUPA operating theatre. Mother was so proud. This journey being a lot easier as the Wicked Witch of TLF let the ork population of London travel freely on the day so a short trip to magical land of Perivale on the Central Line was the start of our second epic journey. Ant using social media on the trip to troll me which was pointed out with great delight by “That Irish Lot” at the ground. Who must (Like Everyone Else) question my parenting skills in raising the little bastard.


                                                Feck, Arse, Tooting, Ladies Knickers

As for the game, well Yes, it had its moments on the pitch both clubs playing to win in what was a very important game for both clubs and we were a tad lucky to keep DC on the pitch after an “Incident” just before half time. The ref deciding to play what seemed about 30 minutes injury time in the hope Hanwell would equalise when the score went to 3-2. But as they pressed forward to allow the Toots to counter attack and two very late goals gave us a rather flattering 5-2 score line but one I’ll happily take. A rather splendid day out for the travelling Toots who yet again must of made up at least a third of the crowd. Ant and I set off with a spring in our step back home to Hobbit Hackbridge with full bellies thanks to the great chips on sale at Hanwell. Hurrah.

We got messaged on the Bog End Facebook page by a Hanwell supporter. Whose profile photo had him wearing a QPR shirt rather proudly, wanting to know if “We” had a problem and describing the behaviour of the Plum Clad players as being less than friendly and pretty much saying what thugs both the players and fans were. He phoned the club on Sunday as well. Strange I saw nothing over the top and found the locals at Hanwell very friendly and great hosts. Also, worth noting that both sets of players were in the bar afterwards and seemed happy in each other’s company.
Most people regard the arrival of the stripes as a magical experience full of wonder and joy, others would rather lick Coronavirus off a seat after a Dulwich home game.. Bollocks to ‘em

Up The Stripes !!!!!

Sunday, January 26, 2020

Massive Staines

For most people if you mention the expression Staines Massive they will automatically think of Ali G and the hit comedy show. For Tooting and Mitcham followers the expression Staines Massive means "Massive Score line" and the heavy defeats inflicted on Toots over the years. The promotion year and the two heavy defeats early in the season were the writing on the wall... In six-foot-high letters which may have got slightly over looked. Staines beat us 2-1 at home earlier on in the season but this must be viewed as an improvement to both results before. They even stuffed us in a preseason friendly a couple of years ago. So, it's not looking good for the trip West as Tooting and Mitcham must have around 73 bogie teams, but Staines statistically over resent years are right near the top of that long depressing list.

                                                                    Massive Staines

But let’s not kid ourselves, football isn't meant to be fun in most cases and for most supporters, football is 99% misery and 1% joy. Have you ever met a happy Tottenham Supporter? We might throw in the occasional horrendous bad result but generally following The Terrors is a laugh and even heavy defeats don't stop the Bog End from turning out in numbers week after week. Addicts to "Black and White Joy" and Trifles. Although most of us at some point when leaving the ground have had to talk Tim Magone out of jumping into the Wandle after yet another home defeat and I now keep a pair of wellington boots in the boot of the car just in case need to leap into the darkened depths and fish him out like a scene from Baywatch. So I hope you all have the mental image of me bouncing down the A217 in a sexy red swiming costume burning into your brain. 
So I set off West not at all confident of getting anything after hearing Connor French was out injured and Hady missing the game as he is on trail with Charlton Athletic, really hope it works out for him there.


 The game ended 1-1 which must be looked as two points dropped if the league table is to be believed. A first half penalty for them cancelled out by another great goal from Jamarie Brissett. A combination of good saves, near misses and in truth some bad finishing cost us all the points. I can't fault the effort shown by the team though, but the end finishing needs to be addressed as we reach the final run in for this year. Still in a good chance of the play offs but outright promotion may be slipping away as Ware keep getting results. Another good turn out of travelling Terrors in what was quite a small crowd. Yet again we must have come close to making up half of the crowd. No sign of Ali G either. We play Westfield on Tuesday which is looking like a very important game for both clubs. Fair to say they all are from now on...
I went for a job interview in Staines a couple of years ago and although it meant more pay and better working conditions I was quite happy when I didn't get the job. It would have been a long and expensive commute every morning from Hackbridge Towers and well you get to my age the thought of spending hours on a sodding train to get job satisfaction does not appeal too much. I did however after getting feedback from the interviewing panel, changing the hobbies and interests’ part of my CV from "Leather fetish football violence roleplay" and Dogging to "Listening to Cliff Richard CDs"
I don't mention Tooting and Mitcham at interviews in case people think I'm some kind of weird deranged sadomasochistic pervert.

Up the Stripes !!!!!

Thursday, January 23, 2020

The Joy of Six

The Joy of Six

So Dear Reader, we start this Bog End Type Blog Thingy with another home game, this time against FC Romania a club who had started a few years ago pretty much as a pub team. They have struggled this year which is a shame as they are a friendly mob but this is football and on the day the Mighty Tooty Wooty Boys were in no mood to be nice and of course with us playing FC Romania I get to mention The Cheeky Girls yet again and also get to mention those Hammer Horror Films from the 60,'s and 70's and my all time favorite actress Ingrid Pitt... Yes I know she was from Poland but this is my blog and I loved her. I met her once at a book signing in Central London, a boyhood dream came true. She was lovely and chatted to all of us there, who it must be said were all male between the ages of 35 to 60.
Back to football... The mountains and castles of Transylvania, I'm told does looks a lot like Cheshunt where FC Romania play their home games at the moment and they must have travelled "Down South" in a optimistic mood of a Vampiric bloodbath seeing as our home form had been rather pants recently. But six first half goals sent those Cheeky Boys back up Norf feeling well and truly spanked. Aparently scoring six goals in the first half is a new club record.... I also remember Chatham scoring five goals against us in 15 mins a few years ago and I wouldn't mind betting that was a club record as well, but I'm over that now and only think about that game two or three times a day.

My First True Love

Two goals from Ahkeem Belford and further goals from Lawrence Nzuruba, Jamarie Brisset, Danny Bassett and Connor French meant we got the three points and help to improve our goal difference. Another good crowd of 275 watching a brilliant first 45 minutes and a rather flatter second half 45 minutes which was understandable seeing as the game was pretty much done and dusted by the time both team came out after half time.
I hope FC Romania get some results go there way as I have a bit of a soft spot for them and hope they stay up. So an Ingrid type sexy six goal wonder game which both Besty and Lee missed therefore proving they both may well be jinxes after all.

Spanktastic Result For The Tooty Terrors

Next up for the "Mighty Toots" was a trip to Erith for the QF of the London Senior Cup was to end in a 2-1 defeat, which is a shame. The chance to possibly play AFC Wombledon or Brentford away at Griifen Park ended in South East London after we went 1-0 up from a goal from DMG. I really enjoy The London Senior Cup but alas for this season it is not to be. It's often said we play in too many cup compititions during the season and there may be some truth in that but I'd like to think TMUFC will always take the LSC seriously
With the club still in a very good position of making the play offs or a chance of getting the outright promotion slot, the league must be the priority so maybe not having the distraction of any further cup games could be a blessing. Well I hope so anyway. 
Next up for The Terrors is a trip to Staines... A team it could be said have bee a right pain over the last few seasons...

Shop (Table) news.... We are running low on stocks but will be getting a new design of scarf in soon and more beanie hats for those with cold heads. Hope to get them sooner rather than later and I've kept on at our supplier to pull his finger out..... ish

You'll all be pleased to know that my harmonica skills are improving although I've been getting negative feed back from Jackie who does the turnstiles at home games but I will carry on. I bet Nozart, Paul Lennon and John McCartney also had to put up with criticism, but like them I will not give in to Haters and Trolls.

Yes Hackbridge Harmonica

Up The Stripes !!!!!

Saturday, January 11, 2020


Happy New Year Dear Reader 
Well it's been quite a while since I put finger to keyboard to discuss The Mighty Toots and their quest for Footballs Top Tier in an all conquering run of matches defeating all that fall before them...ish
Been really busy at work and being under the weather meaning I've not been my usual "Happy go lucky self".  My new job role as Prince Andrews PR advisor seems to be going really well though, so I'll try and be a bit more blogy from now on.
In my absence, hopefully you will have seen the stuff those cheeky chaps at South London Is Black and White have been putting up on their excellent page thus allowing me to lead a Blog few weeks while dealing with other things.

Please contact them if you want to help or add anything to what they do and make sure you follow them on Twitter as well.

 A number of people send stuff on to be put online including players and coaching staff as well as supporters both new to the club and old grumpy regulars. Far better than my bitter and twisted rubbish and some of them seem to know a fair bit about football which again make a nice change from my wild guess work about what happens.

The travelling Bog End at Northwood proving that having a good education and following Toots does not often go hand in hand
As some of you know I run the Club Shop, when I say shop I mean the moss covered old wooden table which is inside the ground by the turnstiles at Fortress Imperial. I'd like to thank everyone who has bought stuff, which has helped the Supporters Club to pass on funds for training equipment and allowed us the donate merchandise to various groups and people and allowing us the spread the word about Tooting and Mitcham. I'll be getting new stock in shortly and hope to have a new range of scarves for sale soon.

New club shop stock available Mid February

The other thing which happens when running the table is that I miss the  first few minutes of the game putting stuff away or helping out with other stuff by the entrance. This as regular Terrors will tell you means I miss the team going one nil down within the first five minutes of each home game.
Or in the case of the resent Chipstead game by the time I'd put the club shop stuff away and gone to have a wee wee Toots were already two nil down.

It's a bit of a mystery how we can play so well away from home and win some really noticeable games and seem to go out of our way to balls things up at home.
But as anyone following Tooting and Mitcham will tell you that giving early goals away has been the case for the last few years. At the time of writing we have lost two home games on the trot after going down early on. Our away form still keeping us in with a good shout of the play offs but this does need to be sorted out sooner rather than later if we are to finish in the Play Off places at the end of the season. Away from home is a totally different matter. The games away at Chertsey Town and Northwood being brilliant days out for the travelling Bog End. If you do get the chance to get to an away match you'll find that we regularly take good numbers to most matches and we are rather vocal when visiting the Morris Dancing villages from Surrey and Middlesex.

Good to see Lee from The St. Matthew Project becoming a regular at Terrors home games which gives us both a chance to have a good moan about life in general which seems to act as much needed counselling sessions for us both. Along with Besty from the South London is Black and White mob he seems to think that he has brought bad luck to Fortress Imperial when he turns up. But I can assure them both that Tooting and Mitcham are quite capable of losing games no matter who turns up to cheer them on

Please have a look at the great work they do  by clicking on the link below

St. Matthews Project

Give them a follow on Twitter as well

I'll finish on a really positive note. There is a real good feeling about the place now and that is taking into consideration that we've just lost yet another home game. Crowds are still looking good and been growing this season. More and more new faces coming through the turnstiles and more people getting involved behind the scenes. Another special mention for all the regulars and staff from The Ramble Inn at Tooting who have turned up to home and away games over the last few seasons.
There are some good people following the team and there is a far better atmosphere at Tooting games than I'll admit there has been in the past. The club has come on in leaps and bounds off the pitch and that is all thanks to people who help out in various ways. Far too many to mention on here and I always worry that I'll forget to thank someone  but a big Hackbridge kiss to all of you x

Come along and make a difference. Say hello if you see me flogging badges and fridge magnets
You can't miss me.

Up The Terrors !!!!!!!