Sunday, December 26, 2021

Hackbridge Wonderland

Mention Westfield to most people they will think of the large shopping centres in and around London which, in turn make me dream of  "Dawn of the dead" type of days out. Well getting eaten alive by Zombies would have been preferable to witnessing  two of the worst Tooting performances that I have been "lucky" enough to witness over the last couple of years at Westfield ground in Woking.

         Merry Christmas Oiks

As Toots enter the Christmas holiday fixtures needing points, playing Westfield could either be the test the team needed to help kick start the season again or the chance for me to start the holiday period  looking at my online credit card statement while crying and praying for a Zombie apocalypse to put an end to this season sooner rather than later. 

A one nil victory in a game that will not live in the memory of those who turned their backs on Christmas shopping in Croydon for a Saturday afternoon in the freezing cold. Still, three points and I left Fortress Imperial feeling rather pleased which is more than could be said for Westfields twitter account writer who after moaning constatly about time wasting from TMUFC was trolled by various Terrors all though Saturday night. I've watched loads of clubs do it to us and it made me rather happy to do it back to someone at long last... But my happiness was short lived.

Like many, I work very long hours in a badly paid job. This means I miss the vast majority of mid-week away games. Every now and again I thank fuck for long hours as I missed the trip to Staines for what would turn out to be another "disappointing" result against a team which somehow was having up until then, a worse season than we are. I'm told by those in the know that we have so far played over 45 different players in our attempt to find our best match day squad. Even if this is down to the ongoing pandemic or injuries, we are strugling on the pitch to get things right. Not good is it.

There are some large splits in the ranks between fans and supporters about the direction the club is going. The club of "Progression" is not progressing that well. It's hard to sit on the fence when it is obvious to everyone that on the pitch things are going badly. I have accepted the fact that the best we can hope for is a mid table position in the league, there is still hope for a good cup run as we are still in a few trophies, but this season has been dreadful league wise. 

Yet again just to add to the joy, all other local teams all seem to be doing well but never the less we are still gettings loads of new faces in the stands and terraces at Toots, many now becoming regulars. Maybe there is some kind of masochistic sex cult in the area which involves regular bouts of pain and humiliation.

"Right, you dirty little pig. After you've finished the lawn, you can clean the toilet with your toothbursh and then go and watch Tooting and Mitcham"

So after Santa emptied his sack over the carpet at Hackbridge Towers there was the small matter of our away game with Sutton Common Rovers. Worth bearing in mind we would regularly play their Landlords Sutton United in games not so long ago. Now at the time of writing they sit in the play off positions in League two while we have Chipstead as our big local rivals or Sutton Common Rovers.... But..... The dreaded Bug struck again which meant no Christmas fixtures this year. On the plus it meant Christmas wasn't ruined by by another "Disappointing" result.

Shout Out Time !!!!!!!!!! 

Thanks and a Merry Christmas and fantastic New Year to Jimmy and everyone at the Ramble Inn up near Amen Corner in Tooting and thanks for their help and support over the last 12 months

St Matthews Project are still doing great community work and putting on various events over the Christmas period. A fantastic group of people. Great to chat with a couple of people from there at the Westfield game.
Please go and visit: 
And show them the support they deserve.

If you need a bit more intelligence with your reading material than this. Go and visit those South London Is Black and White Herberts for far better Terrors related stuff than this rubbish I come out with 

Last but not least, all the hard people over at Tooting and Mitcham who help out on match days and in many cases all though the week at Fortress Imperial. Thanks to all of you xxx

Christmas in Hackbridge Towers is always a happy occasion. We all sit around the table while I play the harmonica and Ant sings Christmas Carols with lyrics changed to mention how shit Dulwich are. Mrs H was really happy with her black designer "Sports Direct" bag which is the equivalent of a   Louis Vuitton handbag to the locals in Sutton, you can guess how envious the local ladies will be when we next visit the Asda. I've told her not to take it to the Asda on Beddington Lane though as she might well get mugged.

Bog end Ant has his £400 Stone Island underpants to wear on match days and I got a tube of Pringles. Hope Christmas was full of peace and love where ever you are.... 

Up The Terrors !!!!!

Wednesday, December 15, 2021

Heart Of Darkness

The Joseph Conrad story "Heart of Darkness" tells the tale of Charles Marlow, a sailor who takes on an assignment from a Belgian trading company as a ferry-boat captain in the African interior. This dark book is one I have read a number of times and would go as far to say it is one of my favourite books. It provided the inspiration for Francis Ford Coppola's epic 1979 film Apocalypse Now. A dark tale telling how normal men can turn into inhuman beasts, capable of committing the most dreadful of crimes. A story I can relate to after my trip back from Barking a couple of seasons ago.
 "You too can own this special commemorative 50 pence coin celebrating Tooting and Mitcham United's 2020 London Senior Cup Final victory over AFC Wimbledon for the special price of £79.99. These coins are a limited edition and will be highly sort after".

 Talking about bloody Marlow…… Yes, Dear reader, yet another defeat this time 2-1 at Fortress Imperial. Swap the mighty Congo or the Mekong Delta for the River Wandle and Steve Carpenter for Kurtz and you could do a sequel. The Police Helicopters that regularly fly over the Budge Lane estate could play Wagner out of loudspeakers as they hunt out signs of angry locals and burnt-out mopeds. 
 As for the game… You know what I’m going to say don’t you… Well, we should have got at least a point from this game but as per usual ended up with nothing to show for the hard work on the pitch. So, with that in mind, the last thing we really needed was a Tuesday night game against high flying Chertsey and guess what… You know what I’m going to say don’t you… Yes, Dear reader, another defeat this time 2-1 at Fortress Imperial. Well, we should have got at least a point from this game but as per usual ended up with nothing to show for the hard work on the pitch…… Oh for Fuck Sake. I could cut and paste my last few blogs and they would all look relevant. 
 We can go on and on about bad luck, I can mention the footballing gods having it in for us. We can all say how well we played and fought back, but the truth is, our defence can't defend, and our attack can't find the back of the net. I believe we are now on our fifth goalie so far in the season. The vast majority of goals conceded seem to be though defensive mistakes or bad communication at the back. I felt really down after the game against Chertsey, times like this I hate football. 

Those sexy chaps at South London Is Black and White set up a “Twitter Space” get together which gave us / me a chance to get things off our / my chest which was for me personally a good thing. 
And follow them on Twitter: @TaM_BaW 

 I’m sure they will be running so more counselling sessions in the future for us Terrors. Hope so. Spoke to Bog End Ant about doing one ourselves so watch this space.
"Right, just enough time for a quick wank before I log onto The Bog End forum"

 And then dear reader some joy. Just ignore my last couple of paragraphs of misrable bollocks... Sittingbourne beaten in the League Cup thingy trophy followed by back-to-back wins in the league against Chalfont and away to (Margaret) Thatcham. Neither games could be classed as being great matches, but I enjoyed them both immensely. We won ugly and against Thatcham even kept a clean sheet. Hurrah !!!! A good day out past Reading and hopefully next time we play them it will be on a nicer day weather wise. A good place to spend a Saturday afternoon. The locals were rather cruel about the dress sense of one of our fan’s choice of wet weather clothing, but we had the last laugh on the pitch. Of course, then we go and lose away to Binfield 1-0 after giving away a goal early on and we are back where we started. One step forward, two steps back. This season, Two clubs go straight down and third from bottom end up in some kind of playoff game with whoever finishes third in the division below. Not a game you would want to have at the end of the season. We are too good to go down. We have too many talented players to go down. Our management and coaches are too good to get relegated…. But it doesn’t matter. We can all name a team at some level on the Footballing pyramid who were “Too Good to Go Down” but did anyway. 
 A mid table finish seems very likely, but a couple more bad results could drag us back into the mix. A number of new players have come in and I feel a lot more optimistic than I did after the Chertsey game but obviously we need some more wins under our belts moving forward. 

 A shame to see Daryl Coleman leave. A great leader and fans favourite, I wish him the best wherever he goes. One of the worst things about football and no matter who you support is when popular players leave and go elsewhere. This happens a lot at our level and can happen for all manner of reasons. One good thing about our support is that we are always welcoming to our ex-players and generally always give out a warm welcome when paths cross. So, a lot to think about for the rest of the season. Will we turn things around, will we get hit with another lock down and will Jon Simpson ever wear that yellow jacket again? Only time will tell Dear Reader…. 

Her: He's thinking about other women.
Him: What coat shall I wear to Thatcham away next season.

 Up The Terrors !!!!

Wednesday, November 17, 2021

One Minute

I’m back Dear Reader for more tales of the joy of following Tooting and Mitcham from my luxury office here in Hackbridge Towers. As I gaze out of my window and look over at the wonderful Beddington Sewage Works which looks over the local inhabitants like a grand medieval castle, my thoughts turn to football as I try to forget the raw shit that was pumped into the River Wandle a couple of weeks ago. 
"My Dear Ratty, It's not smelt like this since Dulwich ground shared"

 I’ll gloss over the victory against Guernsey as I was not there, but I was jolly happy seeing the result. Also, the victory over Met Police in the Surrey Senior Cup which I think was the first time I’ve seen us beat them. A crowd over 80 at Fortress Imperial was bigger than what we would normally expect in the early rounds of that competition. The crowd including the mass ranks of Stone Island wearing Daily Mail and Express readers who follow Met Police over Land and Sea…. 
Next up an away fixture over at Ashford, but both me and Bog End Ant thought we’d give that a swerve and go and watch our near neighbours AFC Croydon play Fleet town where we happily paid our money and joined the fun and games at the back of the cemetery. Croydon in their previous life were used to getting big crowds but only around 50 turned up for this fixture including a few from Fleet. AFC Croydon started the game by doing a “Tooting” which means they went 1-0 down in less than a minute, possibly around the 15 second mark…. I thought it would be amusing and make a funny little tweet about them out doing anything that Tooting and Mitcham had done so far this season by giving a goal away in under a minute. So, you can imagine how I laughed when finding out by the time I’d written and then posted my humorous tweet at the expensive of AFC Croydon that Toots had gone 1-0 down away at Ashford in under two minutes. Mr Fucking Chuckles strikes again. 
With that in mind you can also guess the size of my grin when visiting Basingstoke, a week later Tooting managed to go 1-0 down in under a minute yet again. Christ knows what the managers and coaches must say to the team before kick-off or what the players say to each other doing the pre match huddle… My money is on “Let’s make Harry cry”. 

 We played well at Basingstoke losing 3-2 to a dodgy penalty which came seconds after Billy Brown was brought down for what all the travelling Terrors in the 653-crowd thought was a free kick, but to be chasing the game after the first minute again puts far too much pressure on the team. We should have left with a point but didn’t and that has been the story of this season so far. For any lovers of Drum and Bass I suggest heading over to Basingstoke on match days to join in with the two D&B throbbers who stood behind the goal and keep the crowd “entertained” throughout the game. No wonder so many of the locals seemed pill’ed up and off their heads. But credit where credit is due having a song about us sounding like Janet Street Porter was pretty funny. 
"Next time I go to fucking Basingstoke, I'll ram a drumstick up his ring piece"

 I think that unless we really hit form over the rest of the season that any chance of hitting a playoff spot must have disappeared over the horizon and a mid-table position is the best we can look at. Yes, we beat Guernsey away and even beat Met Police before the trip to Ashford and then Basingstoke but this “One step forward, two steps back” is wearing a bit thin now. Disappointing when we know we have such great talent playing for us. The football Gods seem to have it in for us again. By the way…. Basingstoke lost at home to Chertsey 5-1 and at the time of writing this we are 13th in the league and just two points ahead of the relegation positions. I’m getting quite concerned about things seeing as how we sleepwalked into our last relegation. The club prides itself on the progression for young players but does anyone really think that scouts or representatives from further up the footballing pyramid are going to come to watch us in the Combined Counties where the crowds are under 60 in most cases or walk through a dark cemetery and along a frankly dangerous looking path to watch us play AFC Croydon in our “Big” derby game or walk along the busy A3 to watch us play Colliers Wood. 

 Most of the people I know and have contact with over at Toots like myself remain positive that we can and will turn things around…. But there are dark clouds looming. 
 Shout Out Time !!!!!!!!! 

 One good thing about my day out in Basingstoke was bumping into Megan on the way home who is one of the coaches from St Matthews Project. Always good to chat with people who help over at SMP. We have a number of links and friendships with the people there. Please visit: 

There is also a Youtube channel showing the work they do. Check out these links for a couple of short films on what they get up to: 

Spread the word please, so much negative press about young people especially in South London and yet there are so many people making a huge difference who never get mentioned. 
 As always, a big thanks to Jimmy and everyone over at the Ramble Inn up near Amen Corner in Tooting for all their support. They have done so much to bring people together and get them down to Tooting games over the last few years. 

 Last but not least, if you think that I’m the only highbrow footballing pundit over at Tooting and Mitcham then you’re in for a shock !!!! Go and visit those South London Is Black and White Herberts for far better Terrors related stuff all written by intelligent sensible people, not the rantings of a mad old bloke in Hackbridge.

Up The Terrors !!!!!

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Disappointing - Tooting Squid Game

Well, if you thought the last couple of blogs started on a low note this will not do your nerves any good whatsoever. 

As some of you know Sky TV are currently filming at Toots for what only could be described as a “Video Nasty” as they go behind the scenes getting footage from various people and places. They must have over 10 hours of film of Bog Enders shouting “For Fuck Sake” at the top of their voices and looking despondently into the air during our home games. In fact, the documentary should be called “For Fucks Sake, It’s Tooting and Mitcham” and have Harry Hill or John Bishop doing comedy commentaries. Or Romesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett could do an episode of "Rob & Romesh Vs...” and get them to play Tooting and Mitcham in a penalty shootout. Anyway, Sky have now started filming away matches and were at South Park which to the great delight of their players, officials and supporters ended with Toots getting beaten 2-0. South Parks social media full of the fact that Sky were at the game and that they won. Who can really blame them? One plus point I wasn’t there…. And that’s about all I can add on the matter. 
In all truth this season has started dreadfully, to have Sky there filming it all, is the icing on the very large cake. So, with all this in mind I find myself heading over to the Wild West to top of the table Uxbridge FC with a sense of foreboding hanging over me. The official club Facebook and Twitter accounts later described the game as "Disappointing". To be 2-0 up after a very good first 45 minutes and to be in complete control of a game but to then surrender the with 3 dreadful defensive mistakes is a bit more than "Disappointing". Straight from the kick-off for the second half we looked all over the place as Uxbridge set out to salvage something from the game. Toots should have set out to defend straight from the restart. It would be interesting to see how many goals we have conceded in the first 5 minutes of games or in the first few minutes of the start of the second half. Since I've been watch Tooting and under all of the various coaching and managing set up’s we have always had problems switching on straight from the kick-off. This has cost us dearly over the years. Add in the number of red cards shown and you could have a very interesting spreadsheet to try and make any sense of. Take it from me, the small but very noisy group of travelling Terrors making the journey to yet another West London industrial estate to see Toots take on the league leaders left the ground feeling a little bit more than disappointed. And yet again, Sky had been there to film it all........... 
Now on Sky Sports its "For Fuck Sake, It's Tooting and Mitcham".

 It's all very well bringing more attacking options into the squad, but our defence is all over the place. We need to bring players in who can defend dead ball situations. A couple of big, experienced lumps in other words. Players who know how to hold onto a lead. I’m afraid, you’re not going to find these players in the ranks of the youth set ups. Unless this slump is turned around quickly then we will be in a relegation dog fight. This is not some melodramatic over the top comment made by a very angry blog writer on a Saturday night after yet another game when the team grabbed defeat from the jaws of victory. It is the truth. I can't see us making the play offs at the moment and winning the title is only going to happen if the teams above us have some kind of epic biblical collapse, or as TMUFC say a "Disappointing" set of results in the next few weeks. It's no use pinning all hopes on Academy and youth players and looking for the "Next Antonio" if we are in the Combined Counties playing in front of crowds of under 50. The Tooting support at Uxbridge was less than I would have expected, already some regulars are staying away from away matches. I have a real worry that the good crowds at home games will drop if results don't improve. At this moment anyone living locally in South West London or Surrey with no ties or commitments to any team and just looking for a footballing fix have quite a few other options than watching us lose on a cold and wet Saturday as Winter approaches. 

 I along with plenty of others watched Frank Wilson's team play some good football at times and still go down. This season so far, feels very similar to that. Last but not least, I'll make one thing plain. I want Ash and Cornelius to succeed, I want the club to succeed. I'm not asking for changes in the coaching staff. I want this club, our club to move onwards and upwards. 

On reflection, I can’t knock the effort the team put in against Uxbridge or Bracknell and I’m told they played well at South Park. But the defence needs looking at sooner rather than later. 

Shout Out Time !!!!!!!!!! 
Thanks as always to Jimmy and everyone over at the Ramble Inn up near Amen Corner in Tooting for all their help and support...

Talking about great people, St Matthews Project are still doing great community work and putting on various events over the Half Term holidays.  Hope to see them soon over at Tooting Please go and visit: 
And show them the support they deserve.

If you need a bit more intelligence with your reading material than this. Go and visit those South London Is Black and White Herberts for far better Terrors related stuff than this rubbish I come out with 
I'm lead to believe we are up against each other in some Non League blog thingy.... Vote for them if you get the chance.... Far better than depressing bollocks x

 Up The Terrors !!!!

Tuesday, October 19, 2021

There's only one Harry...

Some things never change.... Summer turns to Autumn, tide’s ebb and flow, the moon rises and the sun sets.... Tooting and Mitcham go one nil down in the first five minutes and miss penalties... Mother Nature can be very cruel.
                  The Thinker

 It's quite mind blowing following the Mighty Toots. Brilliant one week, crap the next. I had high hopes for this season but it's looking as if we will need a huge change of fortune to get anything from this. The Footballing Gods have a cruel sense of humour. You never really know what will happen on a match day. I should imagine that neutrals must love coming along to our games as they are often eventful, even when the results go against us, it's worth watching. 
Since I last put pen to paper, or more truthfully fingered my keyboard, The Terrors lost to Thatcham, Drew with Sutton Common Rovers and beat Chipstead, but I'll skip past those a go straight to Northwood at home and the chance to get things moving again after rather a long break from league games which led myself and Ant heading to the South Coast to watch Seaford Town and a shorter trips to Raynes Park Vale and Colliers Wood for our Saturday Football fix. I can't lie, watching games where I don't really care of the outcome is quite liberating and it's nice to know the result won’t ruin your Saturday night or even the whole weekend. 
"Today, I'm meeting Footballs hardest ground hoppers"

 So, at last I found myself back at the home of football for the visit of Northwood for the first Saturday league game in a while. I miss the first part of the home games because of sorting out and working in the club shop so I missed the first 20mins, but we went in at half time 3-2 up. Four goals in the second half at least giving me something to cheer. Got to be honest now, scoring seven goals is great but letting in three goals and seeing as Northwood also hit the post and missed a couple of sitters is worrying to say the least. 
Next up Whitehawk in the FA Trophy which we ballsed up quite spectacularly losing 4-1 at home and even managed to miss yet another fucking penalty which if it had gone in could have made a huge difference as we could have gone on to salvage something from the game.... or we would have just lost 4-2. Mind you they missed a penalty as well. Either way Toots need to sort out this penalty jinx as even the most ardent Bog Enders just shrug their shoulders when we get a spot kick now and look at each other with a knowing look in their eyes.
Can’t really say we played that badly, but finishing was a again our main problem. A couple of good saves from the Whitehawk goalie stopping any chance of us getting back into the game. 
So, no trips to Wembley this season. Out of both the FA Cup and Trophy at the first hurdle which is a big blow financially to the club and at a time where every club is having to try and get more money to help the running of things means a bit of a disaster over at Fortress Imperial. 
The league is still the main priority and it's important for the club to get out of the division we find ourselves in, so anything less than making the play offs will not go down well. Promotion means bigger gates as there are more travelling away fans in the top Isthmian Division as well as the chance to play more of our historical rivals. Glad to say that our defence of the London Senior Cup started well with a 4-1 victory over Redbridge. It's a competition I think we all regard with a great deal of fondness. Another good run in this please.... 
 So last one of the hattrick of home games saw the visit of Bracknell Town in what I was hoping to be a top of the table clash when the fixtures first came out. Our visitors winning one nil with a first half goal. The Terrors played well and should have come away with at least a point, but Bracknell defence worked well as a unit and were able to deal with everything we threw at them during the second half. Well, we didn’t concede after two minutes or miss any penalties. But we need a change of fortunes as the top five clubs are pulling away from the others leaving us in the mid table positions. A good performance yes but no points to show for the hard work. 

Even with all the gloom and doom, crowds are still healthy and going up. Loads of new faces coming to home games and becoming regulars. A crowd of over 260 for the Bracknell game. There's lots going on at TMUFC and if you can help out on match days please do. Even if you have Twitter, Facebook or any of the other social media platforms please follow other Terrors and the Official Accounts and help spread the word on fixtures and up and coming events. Just a couple of seconds on a smart phone or PC can do so much to help both the Club and supporters’ groups etc. 

 Before the Northwood game Some chap came up to me at the shop and asked if I was "Harry" Of course, I thought he was meaning Hackbridge Harry, thinking he must follow and be a huge fan my in-depth football punditry and match analysis on Twitter... Mr Chuckles was in fact taking the piss and meant that I looked like Harry Kane. How I laughed. I look more like Brad Pitt as everyone who knows me will back up. I've never been so insulted and even that big poo pants Totts at Sutton has never stooped that low.... Talking of which the way Sutton are taking points off everyone in League Two there is a chance of them having a very successful season. Just think in about four years’ time they could be playing Champions League games at Gangrene Lane while we’re missing penalties in our big derby game with Chipstead after going one nil down in the second minute…. I hate football.
Tooting and Mitcham 1 Whitehawk 4

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

The Joy and Happiness of Football. (Part 87)

Hello Dearest Reader. It’s me again with more tales of joy and happiness, mixed in with the normal doom and gloom. More doom and gloom in truth in this one....
            Sorrow in his eyes

 Well the season has stated at last and now we can get on with the real good stuff and proper football. Fingers crossed we will all get to finish this season. 
As with last season, the mighty
Toots started their season with the FA Cup. 
 The magic of the cup, the old footballing cliché that comes back to haunt us all in our search for footballing nirvana and the chance of a trip to Wembley to watch our Black and White stripes defeat one of the evil Premiership Giants. 
I know the clubs at Tooting’s level have to win about 47 games to even get a sniff of some giant killing but there’s always hope. So, with this in mind, off we all went to Fortress Imperial to watch us take on South East London team Erith and Belvedere FC in the FA Cup. They come from the same part of the world that Fisher came from who beat us in last season’s competition… So, what could possibly go wrong. 

 Well quite a lot as it goes. 1-0 down in the first half We only seemed to get going in the second. Finally hitting the back of the net from a penalty to make the score 1-1. A good goalkeeping performance and a couple of shots hitting the woodwork keeping us from winning. 
But the cup dream was over on Wednesday night as we lost the replay 3-1 in extra time and again another penalty miss when the score was 1-1 with 12 minutes left to play. Once it came up on social media, we’d missed from the spot again I knew what was coming. 
 Pretty upset about this. The FA Cup is a chance to dream and a chance to maybe get a draw against one of our rivals or another further up the footballing pyramid. 
As I have said before we are in a league with no geographical or historical rivalry and the cup competitions are the only way to meet up with old friends and foes. To go out of the FA Cup so early now two seasons in a row to clubs we should really beat is a bit of a pisser. The Fisher game still gives me sleepless nights. Well beaten on the day by a team we should have done a lot better against. Fisher seemed well up for their game a bought a loud vocal following and well deserved their victory. I’m sorry, Erith and Belvedere FC were nothing special at Fortress Imperial and should have been put to bed at our place. 

TMUFC are a big scalp to take for many clubs, our history, stadium and fans make us arguably one of the biggest clubs at our level and in our league. I sometimes wonder if the club take clubs below us seriously enough and realise how much other clubs want to beat us. Another footballing cliché is the comment “It was their cup final” when clubs play against so called smaller clubs…. Every game should be a Cup Final if we want to seriously get out of this league and onto the next level no matter who we play. I honestly believe we would have made the play offs in both of the cancelled seasons and would go as far to say we might well have won it outright last season, but it was not too be. This is a huge season for us, let’s hope those Footballing Gods smile on us in the coming weeks.
              Woking Bound

 Anyway, enough of this miserable bollocks this early in the season. What better place to get over the disappointment than a trip to Woking for our first league game of the season against Westfield FC. A chance to visit the lovely home of the best Pizza Express going so I’m told by those “in the know”. 

 I once won a bottle of Jamaican Rum in their club raffle which turned out to be two years out of date according to the sell by date. Well worth the price of the ticket. Also we lost that game after a dreadful preformance, so what could possibly go wrong. Well, It’s fair to say that the day did not go as planned, if fact anything but. Millwall Will called it “A bad day at the office” which is a pretty good cliché and one that sums up the afternoon’s events perfectly. To start with, we had most of the ball without really causing them any problems right up to when Westfield scored their first goal and we were still in with a shout up until we gave the ball away in first half injury time with an inch perfect cross field pass to one of their bemused players which lead to the second goal. 
You could tell we were in shock after that and really didn’t create anything of note in the second half. Westfield scoring a third which put a full stop on things. Can’t hide the fact that this was awful. The after-match post-mortem in the bar was not good listening. A lot of Terrors had made the short journey down to Woking and I doubt if any would have had anything good to say at the final whistle. As I, Ant and Millwall Will headed through the park back towards the station we could still hear Tooting’s finest and Anthony’s role models serenading the locals with songs which had more to do with Fulham’s win than anything the mighty stripes had come up with. 

Oh well….. On a positive note we are only three points off the play off places and now have a bit of time to get things sorted out now we don’t have the FA Cup to worry about this coming Saturday. I’m concerned, but not quite as much as Prince Andrew must be after reading the morning papers over the last few days. At least he had fun in Woking.

"We went to Westfield.....By      mistake 

Shout Out Time !!!!!!!!!! 
Thanks as always to Jimmy and everyone over at the Ramble Inn up near Amen Corner in Tooting for all their support. Jimmy sponsored the Erith game and has done so much to bring people together and get them down to games over the last few years….

Talking about great people, St Matthews Project are still doing great community work and putting on various events over the Summer holidays. Hope to see them soon over at Tooting Please go and visit: 

If you need a bit more intelligence with your reading material than this. Go and visit those South London Is Black and White Herberts for far better Terrors related stuff than this rubbish I come out with 

 Finally, guess what….. 

There is a nice little brewery opened up on the Willow Lane estate. Drop Project Brewing Co. A couple of the Irish Lot went in to visit after the Erith game and I went to have a nose around the day after to stock up on supplies.
 The Drop Project Brewing Company Ltd Unit 8 Willow Business Centre 17 Willow Lane Mitcham CR4 4NX Walk-ins only. Dog Friendly. Under 18 curfew from 7pm. Disabled access and facilities. The main pedestrian gate to our estate is unlocked during the below opening hours. Opening Hours Friday 3-10pm Saturday 12-10pm Sunday 12-6pm 

 Right, I’m off to sniff glue and listen to The Ramones…. Up The Terrors!!!!!!

Saturday, July 31, 2021

El Northernlineico

Back again for more in-depth Football punditry, character assassinations and possibly outright cyber bullying from Hackbridge Towers by the banks of the mighty Wandle. 

Well, It's all over now. It didn't come home and just like those husbands that tell their wives they are just popping out for a pint of milk and then run off with some floozie. It doesn't look as if it ever will. But there is always a chance.... Isn't there...... Not all bad news though. The squad allegedly turning down the chance to meet Boris and chums for an "All you can eat" beans on toast buffet at Downing Street after some of the comments that came out of Downing Street and now we won’t have to hear “Three Fucking Lions” every time you turn on the radio. this alone is worth losing the final for. I enjoyed the Euros but as normal, the press, politicians and a small element of support really give me the hump. Football is a great sport and it really does bring out the best in people and can unite so many, but it can also bring out the worse in some and there are some right idiots out there. 

 Well back to proper football now and first up a trip to Raynes Park and a walk down the A3 for a pre-season game against Colliers Wood United (El Northernlineico). Yet another quite entertaining game which ended up 2-2 after Toots went two nil down in the first half. Rather against the run of play I must add. We also missed yet another penalty and really has got we worried that we have a curse on us, either that or the footballing gods get a kick out of the collective sigh that comes from our ranks every time we miss. 
Supporters on the Bog End watch as yet another penalty goes over the bar and ends up in the garage forcourt on Bishopsford Road

Old Tooting Star Sol Patterson-Bonner now playing for Colliers Wood and you'll be pleased to know that he is still his old lovable self when it comes to dealing with match officials. Good to see him again and he had a chat with the many travelling Toots in attendance. 
Then we were back at Fortress Imperial for another game on the back pitch against Molesey, Toots wining 1-0 and what I was told another entertaining game. I missed most of this by getting shown the new shop which will be up and running this coming season. A big Hug to Nick, Peter, Graham and of course Sexy Phil for all their hard work to get the shop sorted out and the area cleaned up. We will move into the old Stewards hut at the end of the ground near the rear 3G pitches (The Hackbridge End). Got new stock scarves plus a load more other groovy items. All cash I’m afraid as I’m not to be trusted with any form of technology that allows access to other people’s bank accounts. 
Next up a game against our neighbours Carshalton on the main pitch. Missed most of it setting up the Shop. A team from Sky TV were there filming and interviewed a couple of people including me. They seemed to want me to build the game into a Celtic v Rangers type blood bath of violence, hatred and bitterness instead of a Pre-Season friendly against a club I don’t really mind at all. They also seemed to want me to slag off ex-players who now play for the Robins, which of course I didn’t do. My dealings with the press and media have been few and far between, but in truth have never gone that well. Got a feeling my stuff will end up on the cutting floor when and if it does go out. I hope so anyway…. But there again, a media whore like me needs the oxygen of publicity and with my good looks I’m sure various agents will come knocking on the door offering places on the next “Love Island” or “Celebrity SAS are you butch enough” where I can show Ant Middleton how it is possible to live on a diet of Greggs vegan sausage rolls while watching the telly dressed in combat gear. As for the game, it finished 0-0 and Toots didn’t miss any penalties.
 Tuesday night and yet another PSF on the back pitch, this time a game against another local team Balham (El Northernlineico V2). Our part of South London really has some good football teams and set ups, Balham being one of them. The visitors winning 4-3 in another good game... Toots looking good up front, but defensively looking pretty bad on the night. Another healthy crowd and another chance to chat and work out what people can do to help promote the club. There is a lot going on behind the scenes over at Toots if you can spare any time to help please do. Clubs at our level always need volunteers for all kinds of things. 
Now available in the new club shop, The new CP Company range.

Shout Out Time !!!!!!!!!! 

Talking about great people…. Go and visit: 
Those fantastic people over at St Matthews who have done so much to help so many children in the South London area. Show them some love. With the summer holidays starting they are helping organise football classes for all ages, also helping make sure that there is food and drink for these kids. I’ve spent time talking to a number of people connected with SMP and I can honestly say that they are some of the most caring people going and are making a huge difference to so many young lives. 
Also those cheeky chappies over at 

Far better blogs than the rubbish I come out with and another group of people who have helped so much in improving TMUFC’s social media. They also know about football so if you crave information about our players and playing systems, give them a visit as they know far more than me…. Great Interview with Andy Harrup, who is one of the nicest people you could ever meet plus a load of other goods bits in their archives. 

 Of course, a big thanks to Jimmy and all over at the Ramble Inn up near Amen Corner in Tooting for all their support over the last few years, home to the best Guinness in London and a load of Toots memorabilia up on the walls. 

 Well Dear Reader, that’s it for another couple of weeks, but looking back, another good thing to come from the Euros is that at least we know that thanks to the hard work done by teams of top scientists, medical professionals and the Health and Safety executive, that it is now safe to stick a lighted smoke bomb up your bottom. I think the older readers can all remember those dark days of footballing yesteryear when sticking any type of pyrotechnic up your bum after drinking Cider and doing a load of sniff was classed as very dangerous and could well ruin your rectum. How times have changed for the better. 

 Up The Terrors!!!!!!

Monday, July 12, 2021

Not coming home.....

Hurrah, Dear Reader. More words of wisdom from Hackbridge Towers as the pre-season friendlies start up again. We will also delve into the magical world of the Euros which I've quite enjoyed this year. Footballs coming home!!!!!!! 
Pre Season starts at Corinthian Casuals

 First up, a friendly on the back pitch was against our tenants Tooting Bec who I must say are really looking better and better and do seem as if they will have yet another good season. An entertaining 0-0 draw which possibly was a fair result as both teams missed good chances and both hit the woodwork on several occasions. I must admit that I spend most of my time at the Pre-season games chatting and gossiping so don't look to me for in-depth views on formations or new players or signing etc (As if you ever did). I just enjoyed the day in the sun. Good to see a few of the others at the game including Mad Ciaran who informed me that he is thinking of moving to Hackbridge and wanted to know the important things about the area like how much is an Uber to and from the Ramble Inn. If he does move to the area it may well put back any ideas of gentrification by around 15 years and have a significant effect on house prices meaning you will be able to pick up a 3 bed house with a garage for about 250 quid... I must add how smart he looked in his bright yellow Ukrainian football shirt which he proudly wore and which I'm sure will get him a bit of cash back from Ebay in a week or so.

 Talking of which.... Watched the England - Ukraine game in the bar after the Bec match... A good crowd in the bar singing and yelling their heads of as England defied the odds by 

A/ Playing well 
B/ Winning comfortably. 

When it comes to International football I often tell people I have enough Scots and Irish blood not to really care about England and enough English blood not to care about either the Scots or Irish, but I must admit my Anglo Saxon side was very happy after the game which may have had a lot to do with Gareth Southgate’s team selection and a very good England performance.... Or the large amount of Guinness I drank.... Either way a good night out. 

Toots second Pre-Season game was away to Three Bridges on the following Tuesday and ended up a 1-0 defeat on the same night Italy beat Spain to get to the Final on penalties. Of course, to mark the occasion, Toots missed a last-minute penalty and now this run of bad luck, or to be honest, badly taken penalties carries on which is a bit of a worry to us sensitive types on the Bog End. 

I was back to Fortress Imperial on the Wednesday Night to watch the England v Denmark game. Another great night surrounded by rather loud people. What can I say, England proving everyone wrong and getting through to the Final. Since taking on the teachings of Karl Marx and upsetting the Daily Mail the whole England set up has really done well now get ready for Italy in the Final on Sunday. Ant got in early and helped arranged a table so I've no doubt that Sunday night might involve Guinness and singing. 

But before that is the important matter of another Pre-Season game against Frank Wilson's Merstham side, again on the back 3G pitch. A good run out for the team and a 3-1 victory. Yet again I spent most of the match gossiping and chatting to whoever was unlucky enough to stand next to me. I'm looking forward to the start of the season as I think we have a good chance of doing well. Covid took away our chances of making the play offs over the last two seasons. Fingers crossed it will be different this year. 

Did you know England won the World Cup in 1966? Most people don't know this little-known fact as it never ever gets mentioned at all and with this in mind I set off to the bar at Fortress Imperial to watch Gareth’s Groovy Gang take on Italy in the Euro Final to watch Football coming home (Spoiler Alert). It didn't. A fantastic start from England which gave everyone the hope that England may do it was crushed in the 2nd half as Italy equalised and I think deep down we all knew the outcome. Yet another penalty shootout fuck up as Rashford hop, skipped, jumped, farted and passed the ball to the Italian goalie instead of just smashing the fucking thing was the start of the doom and gloom. I feel dreadfully sorry for the young lads who missed who then predictably suffered online abuse from the total bellends that seem to hide behind their phones and computers during England games. Lots of positives from England and it was great to see various communities getting behind the team and coaching staff but still heart breaking yet again to see the trouble afterwards and over the top drunken behaviour which is often the reason why so many other countries love it when England lose. Fucking embarrassing.... I’m feeling really quite down in the dumps as I write this, but at least, I haven’t woken up knowing there’s a photo of me with a smoke bomb sticking out of my bumhole and that I didn’t end up taking off my clothes on Wembley Way while off my face on various nasally ingested chemicals.
“Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country,” 

 Anyway, from the Banks of the Mighty Wandle there seems to be a lot of building work going on over at Sutton United's Gangrene Lane ground and the world famous "Shoe Box Terrace" has now been demolished which is a shame. As pointed out by Bog End Regular Mr Chops at least when the Shoe Box was in place all the weirdos used to be together in a small area and therefore easy to keep control of by the clever use of stewarding and cattle prods. Now they will be free to walk around and mix with normal supporters which I bet is one drawback their promotion into the Football League. Still all the work has allowed @bornatotter the chance to work around the ground in a High Vis jacket and a white hard hat / builders helmet looking like one of the Village People. 

Also, got to feel for Peter Crouch a once famous international footballer now so down on his luck he's forced to join the board at Dulwich Hamlet and make TV Documentaries about the club to try and earn enough cash to feed his growing family. With the Euros going on and the Country getting behind the Three Lions, it’s really sad to see an Ex England International footballer hit the depths of despair after the end of his career. I can only hope that things get better for him sooner rather than later and that one day he can hold his head up high again.

Another thing I did learn over the past couple of weeks is that having a photo taken with a crying child can get you a lot of money, if only I'd started doing that a couple of seasons ago with Ant, We would have so much cash behind us we could both be in the space race with Elon Musk or Richard Branson trying to reach Uranus first or be living on a luxury yacht off the coast of Canvey Island, instead I'm spending my days looking out the window and wondering if Mad Ciaran is going to move in next door

Up The Terrors !!!!!

Wednesday, June 2, 2021

Kings Of The Wandle

Blimey, the last blog of the 20-21 season. A strange time to be a football supporter, when the chances to see live games has been very limited. Sitting in an armchair at home listening to Glen Hoddle talking about matches might appeal to some but not me... I need a bit more entertainment than that dear reader....
Well it was a shame that only really a small group of Terrors made their way to the Friday Night Semi Final game with Hanwell, as it turned out to be rather an eventful Friday night in Wood Green. A journey back in time to my old stomping ground for the 2020/ 21 London
Senior Cup Semi Final being played at Haringey’s ground as Hanwell were having work carried out on their pitch. Haringey's ground is where I played Rugby for my school against the school my Dad used to go to, so in many ways strange to go back to the part of London where I grew up. A pub I used to drink in as a spikey haired Punk Rocker and where I saw the band Angelic Upstarts play has now been converted into
a massive betting shop and the whole area looked different and in
truth a bit cleaner than how I remembered the place. Mind you that was nearly 40 years ago since I left the Frozen Norf and headed down to tropical South West London. I'm one of those rare people whose happy in both North and South London. 
The kick off was delayed as Tooting's kit was stuck in traffic meaning the match finally kicked off at 8:30pm but everyone seemed pretty confident and in good spirits as we waited for the start. Got to chat to Caroline McRoyall, who leaves the club at the end of the season. A
lovely person and someone who has helped change so much at the club and helped it move forward into the modern age. Good also to meet up with that Irish lot again and although one of them is totally mad. They have added so much to the large group of strange characters that now
follow Tooting and Mitcham both home and away. Please, if you get the chance get to a couple of away days next season, do it there is always a good loud vocal following at most of our away games. Drink may also be involved. 

A very hard fought game in every respect. Challenges coming in thickand fast in a game which the Ref really should have done a lot more to calm down and get a grip on early on, instead of letting it turn into a kicking match. In truth both teams could have had players sent off and Hanwells bench were shouting and screaming the entire match. 
At least Hanwells kit arrived on                            time

The neutral Haringey fans and Ground hoppers all seemed to want us to win because of Hanwells heavy approach.
After going two nil up early on, we seemed to lose our shape after the first incident between the two sets of players. Hanwell then getting a goal back and I started to get every concerned that things could go pair shaped. The second half started off from where the first half finished, Hanwell putting loads of pressure on while their management ranted away at every single tackle. It was only a matter of time before someone would be shown a Red Card... And as we all know, it's normally a Terror who gets it. Goalie Gary Ross was shown a red card after catching one of their strikers which they equalised from the resulting free kick. A penalty followed and we were now 3-2 down and I honestly thought it was going to get worse... But what do I know, a
goal from a corner sneaked in on the 93 minute sending the game into extra time. Remember the game had kicked off nearly an hour later.
Hanwell scoring in the first period of extra time but you could see
although we were down to 10 men that the team where really getting things together and starting to out battle Hanwell and get the upper hand. Toots then equalising almost straight away making it 4-4 and I knew the Football gods were on our side. Dontai Stewart scoring Tooting’s 5th and match winning goal sending the handful of Travelling
Toots mad. Not a great game footballing wise but possibly one of the most eventful games I've ever seen and it will be one I'll always remember. Finally got home just before 1am, knackered but very very happy.

So now there was a little matter of a Cup Final and another a trip
back to North London for the game with AFC Wimbledon's youth team played at Hendon's ground. This also marked a return of the Wandle Derby... Elwandico, very important for local bragging rights. An early start this time for the 1pm kick off which didn't seem to affect the drinking habits of many of the travelling Terrors who help make up the 561 attendance at the Battle of The Wandle . Finding up how young some of The Wombles where still didn't make me feel confident after getting flash backs to the Surrey Cup final against the young Met Police team when we were well beaten in an awful one sided match. Wimbledon defending really well and playing a very organised game which often pushed us back and made it hard for us to break down. We
looked dangerous when playing long high balls up to our forward line as the young Wombles had to cope with our more physical game. 0 - 0 at half time and all to play for in the next 45 minutes. Tooting’s strength and experience started to make a difference between the two teams when a mistake by The Wombles keeper allowed Jake Rose to score our first goal and Dontai Stewart scoring directly from a corner a couple of minutes later. But Tooting never make things easy
and Wimbledon got one back near the end but we held on to lift The London Senior Cup yet again. Tooting and Mitcham’s eighth success in this Cup nearly equalling the 9 times winners Walthamstow Avenue. This
would be great to eclipse their record soon.
The best thing for me was seeing how much it meant to all the players and staff. So really happy for Ash and Cornelius as all the work they have put in over the last few years now has a Trophy to show for it  and hopefully the first of many more. Chuffed for Warren as well and a  fitting end to Caroline McRoyall time as the Chair at the club. Andy Harrup getting his own song as he joined the players on the pitch and was presented with the trophy. So many happy faces amongst all of our fans, both young and old. The ones who've followed the club for years and the ones who have joined the ranks of the Bog End in the last couple of seasons. We are very lucky at TMUFC now with everything that’s happening on and off the pitch. I know I sound like a parrot I say this so often but
it's true...

So a happy ending to the season which looked doomed a couple of months ago. Another trophy and even more to be positive about for next season.
What a great club !!!!
Up The Terrors !!!!!


Tuesday, May 25, 2021

Tooting and Mumchums

Well it seems like ages since I last put pen to paper or in this case finger to keyboard, but here we are again. One big happy group of Terrors because Football is back at Fortress Imperial and at long last as we get a chance to finish of this seasons London Senior Cup. "The greatest Cup Competition in The World..." What ever happened to him? 

A crowd of over 400 for a London Senior Cup game is impressive. On a Tuesday night we rarely used to get over 60 for these games. Yes, several Sutton, Carshalton, Dulwich and supporters of other clubs boosted the numbers, but we should all still be very happy to see that we are now getting more and more interest in our fixtures. The more that come the more will tell their friends and family, the chance to see live Football without taking out a mortgage and the chance to stand on terraces with friends and family can't be underestimated. You could bankrupt yourself buying tickets for Chelsea and still not be sitting with people you know. The price to get into Premiership and Championship games really take the micky. I think a lot of people will realise that being skint because of Football is totally stupid when there are affordable football clubs nearby to go and watch. Great to see Besty, Mrs Besty and Rowan Besty at the game and good to see the other families that came along to see The Terrors, turning the back of the stand into a nursery for the second half. I’ll be very happy if the Tooting and Mumchums" return to see us again and great to know that we are now attracting Families of all ages though the turnstiles. I've said before and will happily say it again that the change in the atmosphere in the ground and the more positive vibe about the place is very welcome. Take care with behaviour though. We have what can be best described as quite a vocal crowd, good humoured and loyal but please bear in mind that the old days of ranting a raving from a few could have a very negative effect on things. It has taken a long time and a lot of hard work behind the scenes to get build the profile of the club and it wouldn't take too much to undo the good work put in by some many of the people who have put so much effort into changing things. As for the game... Well we beat Erith 2-1 with a last-minute own goal, but a win is a win no matter how it comes and everyone there could leave the ground after a good afternoon’s entertainment. Yet another penalty miss but at least unlike Daryl Colemans against Fisher it didn't nearly hit me full in the face. If hadn't been for my Cat like agility and Ninja reflexes my Boy Band Career could have been ruined by our Captain along with my front teeth and nose... I tend to groan not cheer when we get spot kicks now, it would be nice to score one or two next season chaps. Good to see Nic Taylor back at Fortress Imperial. An Ex Terror who is a larger than life character, good bloke and a great goalie. During a supporter’s v Players game one year he jumped over into the crowd and picked up Bog End Ant and sticking him in goal while he ran up the pitch for a corner. Ant was only about 5 or 6 then and he was so chuffed when it happened. I however shat myself and was trying to think of excuses to tell Mrs H if Ant got injured by a two footed challenge or an elbow in the face. It's things like that happening at games and at Non-League level that make everything so much better than the Premiership, Championship or whatever Super Dooper European League some nutcase thinks up. Arsenal should think about entering the Eurovision Song Contest next year as it might be one way of getting back in Europe for more of those Glorious European matches all Gooners live for.. Even with their piss poor record in all of the European cups and competitions over the years I doubt if even they could end up with "Nil Poi"... Mind you....

                      "Nil Poi"

 Congratulations to Sutton United on winning promotion to the Football League. Local rivals yes, but in truth now light years ahead of us on the pitch but it's always worth remembering we were in the same Division just over a decade ago and therefore proving that you can build into bigger and better things. Really pleased for my mate @bornatotter who is well chuffed now. As some of you know he has suffered with ill heath after his penis enlargement surgery went so tragically wrong. He turned up for the Erith game and instead of bringing bad luck, doom, gloom and defeat on the pitch he saw us win at last.
Locals  in Sutton celibrate their promotion to the football league

 Talking about Sutton... SCR will be playing in the same league as us next year so a nearby local derby for us all. Like Tooting Bec are to us there are several people who happily go and watch both Sutton United and Sutton Common Rovers. They play their home games at Gangrene Lane although this may well change when Sutton must dig their 3G pitch up and go back to the real thing now they are in Division Two. So, despite rumours and speculation we will be still in the same division as before (South Central) after the reorganisation of the leagues. A few hoping to be moved into the Southern League and some interesting away trips and new grounds to visit. Personally, I think we have more chance of going up from this league into the premiership, so I'm not too upset. I'm certain that we would have made the play offs in both cancelled seasons if the plague had not put an end to things. As we know, all of our major rivals have leap frogged us. AFC Wimbledon about to move back into the Plough Lane area after all their successes since forming up years ago. Dulwich who again have jumped up the Leagues from us and now Sutton taking the big step forward. Proof if needed that we can get things right and can build on what we have at TMUFC. We needed to learn from both Sutton and Dulwich and the way they promoted themselves and how their crowds grew, and media profile improved. I think we have done that, but most importantly for me, keeping our own identity in the process. Keep up the good work everyone. I will personally give you all a big soppy kiss when all this Covid bollocks is over. So, at the time of writing these words of wisdom we have a Cup Semi Final to look forward to this Friday. Either out to the Wild West to Hanwell or up norf to Haringey, my old stomping ground when I lived in that bleak Northern Wasteland, full of steel factories, mines, flat caps and whippets. The M25 acting as a barrier between the bleak depressed Northerners and those White Walkers... The land of snow and ice.... Better known as Waltham Abbey. 

 Up The Terrors!!!!!!