Friday, September 14, 2018

Sir Tim Megone writes again

There is a block buster movie out at the moment starring the world famous Shakespearean actor Jason Statham about a fucking great big prehistoric monster shark with a fucking big mouth called "Meg" At Tooting and Mitcham we have our own big mouthed prehistoric monster Meg... Sir Timothy Megone. If ever there was a man who should be starring in block buster movies fighting monsters it really should be "Our Timmy" as his stunning good looks and manly body would drive the public wild with desire and lust. Forget Idris Elba, Tim should be the next James Bond.
I am not a religious man but when ever I see Tim's words of wisdom I can not help but wonder about reincarnation and if that William Shakespeare has come back a bit like Dr Who into the body of Tim Megone

Here's Tim's take on Friday Night Football and the FA Cup.

Up until recently, I had always associated Friday nights with falling over in discos or silent vigils in forest clearings as druids burn effigies of pink and blue omelettes. But just over a fortnight ago, Friday became a by word for cup fever, in truth yet more humiliating recognition of our relegation to second class status at the Fields (Dulwich playing at ‘home’ the following day in the league), but an opportunity nonetheless for revival of the sacred cause.
As kick off approached, the bar was crowded but that horny sense of late summer anticipation was a million miles away. Instead, the stench of depression wafted amongst the hordes, shaking heads and bitterness the new currency on a scale not known for a good two decades.
The scars of last season had not healed: the complacency (only one team from 24 would go down, was the oft repeated refrain, surely it won’t be us?) that had set in so early during last season’s doomed relegation fight and been allowed to prevail unchecked almost to the end was not forgotten, nor forgiven. Just to rub salt in the wound, the popular but discarded player of the season, keeper Matt Pierson had left the club.
It’s worth recalling last season’s player of the year award, when Imperial Fields’ answer to the Oscars was held shortly after the gut-wrenching final home league defeat against Harlow, a near fatal wound that sent us sprawling in agony to the edge of the abyss (Met Police finishing the job with a couple of baton blows to the bollocks the following week).
With most of the fans that stayed desperate to be almost anywhere else, Golden Goal seller and Supporters’ club supremo Dave Irons gleefully announced the winner, only to find that Matt had already buggered off home. Undeterred, Dave - previously best known for bin chucking and moccasin tossing heroics - held the trophy aloft to bemused silence, while the remnants of the Bog End drank themselves into oblivion.    
Back to this season and the preliminary round FA Cup tie against Gatwick wannabes Horley Town from the Combined Counties League, a tier below the Mighty Stripes. Surely now was the time to get behind the young team, rather than castigate them for crimes not of their making. In theory, yes, but it was all a bit shit to begin with, the upstart baggage fondlers resisting with ease our faltering attempts to get forward. Horley grew in confidence and began to build a couple of attacks of their own: a dodgily awarded free kick ensued, followed by a speculative cross that drifted beyond young keeper Liam Sallis and into the net and yet another disaster loomed large.
Tooting looked stricken and more bitterness rent the air, but towards half time the tie was dramatically transformed, the ever-dangerous Isaiah Jones the catalyst for revival and riotous celebration. Shredding the defence with a trademark foray into the box, he was clipped from behind and the ref pointed to the spot to angry protests from the South Surrey runway squatters. Returning hero Billy Dunn strode up and netted with aplomb.
It was Billy again who found the net with a deft header from a Wedgeworth free kick to send the masses into ecstasy, the mood of the Bog End fervent once again, depression dispersed – at least for the time being. With Sallis growing in confidence and Nexus Beeden, built like a floodlight and dominant at the back, we took control in the second half, Isaiah continuing to torment the defence before eventually being scythed down once too often – ending his contribution for the night - by an ever more desperate defence. Fingernails were nibbled and bowels ripped open as injury time continued into the early morning for a nerve shredding climax, but we hung on and for the first time in months, tasted victory, and cast our gaze at the prospect of more cup frolics.

Sunday, September 2, 2018

In an industrial estate, far, far away.

Well by this time last year we had already had Staines put 6 past us in our second game of the 2017-18 season and then Enfield putting four past us at home. At least we have won one league game and picked up 4 points in 4 games. Not really the end of the world but seeing as I'm writing this the game after our trip to Hayes and Yeading United so I hope you can understand and forgive me yet another bleak and depressing blog. Yet we arrived in West London on the back of a 3-1 win against Chipstead who are in terms of this division our big local rivals. I can never be to harsh on them though as Trevor S... The bus driver and one of the nicest people you could ever meet goes there and does their Twitter feed. So two wins over the Bank Holiday period had set us up nicely for our second trip down the A40 in a couple of weeks... But it was to end in tears....

Now if you can remember and if you follow The Terrors, how could you ever forget, in our first game at Northwood we gave away a 3-1 lead and in the space of the last 15 minutes conceded 3 goals and lost the match 4-3. At H&Y in the space of 12 minutes we gave away a penalty had a player rightly sent off for a two footed challenge, gave away another scrappy goal and then to top it all off let in what was in all truth a fantastic shot to make it three goals and a sending off in 12 minutes. A bit later on the H&Y goalie made a good save from a penalty from Peter Wedgeworth after Isiah Jones was brought down after a good run into the box.


Yet another large group of travelling Terrors made the journey along the A40 to west London for yet another fun filled afternoon this time in the middle of an industrial estate stuck in the middle of nowhere.  Hayes and Yeading are second in the division and in all honesty were favourites' to win. Maybe if we'd not given the penalty away and had a player sent off we may well have lost anyway, but to hand the game to them on a plate when we were more than holding our own hurts. No chips on sale in the ground and building work still being carried out on what I'm sure will turn out to be quiet an impressive ground when the work is complete just added to the "Match Satisfaction". Just outside the ground is a beautiful looking Sheik Temple which brought back memories of Hendon away where the ground is overlooked by another very impressive and again beautiful Sheik Temple. Another thing that brought back memories of Hendon away was that there, last year, the same player was sent of for another bad challenge which lead to us getting stuffed 4-1 when trying to play a team at the top of table with only ten men. We have been described as "Promotion Favourites" by a number of people connected with the Bostik League, I can only imagine they have spent the last few months sniffing their company products and talking to people who haven't seen us play over the last 12 months. All clubs have high expectations for their respective teams. It seems like many over at Hayes and Yeading, players and supporters think they already have this division sown up and maybe they are right, quite a few of the travelling Terrors said as much themselves, but whether this was said to make themselves feel better about the result must also be taken into consideration. Many said the same about Staines Town last year after they totally stuffed us both home and away and they finished outside the play off places.

I don't expect TMUFC to win every match and I fully understand that there will be times when the footballing gods will laugh in our faces and the forces of darkness will descend upon us the great fury and anger. But we need to sort out this out sooner rather than later. We can look at the table and see other clubs who may well struggle in this league and who could be said to be out of their depth but we said that last year about Burgess Hill and Harlow who held up the bottom of the table until we stepped in near the end to take the one relegation place on offer. Two teams go down this season we need to make sure that we aren't one of them. We may well arguably be one of the best known teams in the Bostik South Central. I'm pretty sure we are the best supported at home and away. Tooting and Mitcham have a great History and are a well known club.... But that counts for nothing if the club doesn't start to gel together. Yes I know.... More Doom and Gloom but I care about this club and it's future and I honestly say that we could / should end up in a few years time in the Conference South which I believe a club like Tooting and Mitcham should aim for. This season I'll be happy with a mid table finish which will hopefully give us a stronger base to build on ready for the 2018 -19 season. Good cup runs would be a bonus and help take any pressure of the league. Don't let anybody tell you the Surrey and London cups aren't important. I've seen Toots win a couple of London Senior Cup Finals and loved every minute of it.

 Yes there are a number of plus points. The two home crowds have been significantly higher than expected and a lot of new faces have turned up to watch us play. The social media and promotional side has improved thanks to a large number of volunteers  who have help spread the word. On the pitch Isiah Jones is getting better every game and is a joy to watch. The goalie Liam Sallis is now finding his feet and showing what he can do after the unfair criticism which came his way at the start of the season. Many of the younger players coming through from the Under 23's are looking good and match experience at this level can only be good for their long term development.

Next trip for The Terrors is over to Horsham YMCA in the FA Cup. Will we be dancing like Village People or shoe gazing like Joy Division at 6pm next Saturday.


Sunday, August 26, 2018

The magic of the Cup

I love the FA Cup, my days following the "Glorious Gooner Gunners" meant I've seen many great games and finals but since giving up the sky premiership circus my love affair with this fantastic competition has however not been as exciting and fun filled. Far from it in fact.  Tooting and Mitcham have quite a good record in the FA Cup but of course I've missed all that. The cup run in 1959 and the defeat by Nottingham Forest is still sung about on the Bog End terraces despite the fact that most who stand on there weren't born then. A couple of runs in the 70's and which lead to games against Swindon and Crystal Palace and Bradford are still talked about by older Terrors as great moments in the clubs history. The game in the 1st Round in 2005 an away tie against Stockport was a well attended game by a large group of drunken South Londoners who saw the club loose 5-0. But it's not all about victorious games and celebrating winning trophies when following a club like Tooting and Mitcham, if we wanted victories and a packed trophy cabinet we'd all go and watch Crystal Palace.


But as my time following the Terrors only stretches back about 12 years my memories of FA Cup glory are very limited. A game in 2013 at Leatherhead which as per normal ended in defeat which sticks forever in my mind for their goalie getting his shorts pulled down by a couple of herberts with the travelling bogend when he was about to take a goal kick. The following week in a league game there we lost 5-1 and In the second half Bogend Ant got stung by a wasp which caused quite a scene and yet again made me question my decision to take the poor little sod to games.... especially ones in Leatherhead. They had also beaten us in the FA Cup the year before... and in the league which we both attended.  I've never seen TMUFC beat Leatherhead which makes them one of the 73 boogie teams the Terrors currently have at the moment. Leatherhead along with Berlin have had a wall that fell down in resent history and helped changed the course of events afterwards. Ask any Dulwich fan for an explanation if you get the chance.

Then the season after there was a very small FA Cup run that took us to "Mighty" Bishops Stortford after a last minute winner took us past Cray Wanderers. We dominated the game getting a draw before beating them at Imperial Fields. memorable for some of The Bishop supporters who turned up, called us minnows and refused to buy programmes and entre the "golden goals competition"etc. so as not to give any money what so ever to TMUFC and acted like total smug bell ends in the knowledge that they were a "bigger" club. Their manager was also a lovely smug prick of a man who got sacked shortly afterwards. Some victories are made even better when the opponents fans are class A twats. Of course we lost to East Thurrock in the next round but both the Stortford games were special. Now I'm not saying all Bishop Stortford fans are wankers, just the ones I've met and the ones I've spoken to.

Bog End Ant, Leader of the Tooty Wooty Boot Boys taking total liberties over at Bishops Stortford

Nothing else springs to mind since then apart from various other defeats the in worlds greatest cup competition.... But maybe this could be the year. A great crowd of over 300 turned up on a wet and windy Friday night to watch us beat Horley Town, A game moved to Friday due to the Pink and Blue Squatters having a "Home" league game on the Saturday which out ranked the FA Cup for some reason... But in truth the Friday night thing worked, of course the victory helped but the bigger than expected crowd and the packed bar meant that the Bank Holiday weekend started with a bang and an awful lot to drink for many. We were "Blessed" with a couple of Sutton United Supporters including the world famous musical sex machine @bornatotter who knows a lot about the magic of the FA Cup and the magic of FA Cup songs. All of us wait with baited breath to see who Sutton get when they enter the FA Cup this season, while he stares at his guitar dreaming of Pop Stardom and the chance to get on Football Focus again as the comedy time filling bit at the end. We'll I'm hopping to get either Spurs or Man United in the next round... We'll probably end up with bloody Leatherhead again... Let hope it pisses down with rain.....

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Continuity and revenge - Words of wisdom from Sir Timothy Megone


More words of wisdom from Sir Timothy Megone. The leader of the Tooty Wooty Boot Boys. Trade unionist and old punk rocker... So make yourself a nice cup of tea and settle down with this excellent piece of literature from this glue sniffing lefty yobbo.

Last season’s calamitous collapse and capitulation by the Once Mighty Stripes was a bitter pill to swallow and I’m not sure that many of the stricken hordes have yet recovered.
A summer time stroll to the club to sample the thrills and spills of England and Belgium playing charades stabbed home the bitter truth - with the sign of Satan proudly exhibited over the turnstiles and no similar display to mark our own increasingly flatulent presence.
There’s no question that it was the right decision to allow the Devil’s Omelettes through our gates – threatened as they were with extinction at the hands of a grasping landlord. Their demise would have deprived us of the pleasures that only searing hatred can give, though that is all fairly academic now with their elevation to loftier climes and our simultaneous plummet into the bowels of this god forsaken planet.
At the Emperor’s Pastures, we have been used to playing second, third or fourth fiddle to lacrosse, weddings and probably dogging, but to have that mob take over on the footballing priority front is surely one affront to humanity too far.
Meanwhile, we have slithered beneath just about every comparable rival club in the South London/Surrey area, with the likes of Sutton and Bromley light years away, and villages such as Merstham and Walton Casuals looking down on us from on high. Our big local derby this year will be the encounter with stockbroking farmers Chipstead (I gather all tickets are sold for the Bank Holiday Clash) while, as one embittered jester pointed out, we can look forward to other all Surrey encounters against a cartoon (South Park) and a shopping centre (Westfield).
Still as the Terrors have spent most of my footballing life demonstrating, no club is too big to be crap and we have to make the best of it in the Bostik South Central. Seeing most of last season’s squad in the bar that balmy June evening was vaguely reassuring, the players still wanting to stay with the club and hell bent on a quest to rescue our damaged pride and wreak murderous vengeance, maybe not against the likes of Staines and Billericay, but possibly society at large. They hadn’t become shit players overnight and here was the chance to prove it. All of this spiced up with spritely reinforcements from the Under 23 team, for, as Big Daddy Kane once warbled, ‘Children are the future.’ What could possibly go wrong?
Once again, I could feel the Fires from the Fields moisten my loins. No one could ever take the magic of two seasons ago away from us and we want it all back. There can be no going back, no surrender, the banners unfurled for the start of the new season … and what a fucking car crash it was, away to Northwood, a ground where corpses from the neighbouring cemetery are hastily brought in to reinforce the crowd, and balance out the large Tooting contingent. 3-1 up with twelve minutes to go, we stylishly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, and it was back to the darkened room and mind-altering substances for the returning hordes. 
Surely it would all be different at the theatre of terror, as we entertained the Children of Ken Barlow, a Morris dancing troupe from Marlow. The turnout wasn’t bad but it’s hard to get a crowd going when you’ve just had your soul sucked inside out. In the end, there was almost a sense of relief at the stodgy but wholesome fare that was dumped before us, solid defending and the odd chance, a snapshot from a well fed looking Billy Dunn and a crisp header from Dominic Morgan Griffiths - both fizzing inches wide  - testament to our unrewarded superiority in a goalless thriller. At least we didn’t lose. From small acorns …

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Over the parrot... Sick as the moon.

When you get to my age most of the things that you look forward to end up being crushing soul destroying events that leave you crying in a darkened rooms and spending the days afterwards writing poetry. Take Christmas and Birthdays. You look forward the big expensive presents and gifts that you really want and end up with fucking socks and pants.

When it comes to days you look forward to the start of the football season is a day like no others. Forget the World Cup and that plucky England team getting to the Semi Final and then Sky sports news spending hours on transfer deadline day telling the fans of Chelsea and Man United that their club has just forked out 70 million quid on some bloke they've never heard of from Belgium.... The first game of the Bostik South Central is the big one. The chance to avenge the ghosts of last season and bring joy and happiness to the legions of black and white Terrors. So they day we've all been looking forward to for ages finally arrives and the travelling Toots head up along the A40 to Northwood FC for the opening day fixture. The pre season had been pretty good and some interesting games took place but this is the real deal. A crowd of 146 which at least half of were Tooting settled in for the start of the 2018 - 19 season.

The last league game Tooting and Mitcham played was the epic "Must Win" game at Met Police when Tooting and Mitcham had the chance to stay up in the Bostik Premiership. A game in which we went one down after 43 seconds. Here was a chance to boost morale and get things going for the new season.

Then just like all those bastard Christmas and the Birthdays full of underpants and novelty coloured socks it all goes belly up. 3-1 up with 14 minutes to go in a match which we had pretty much bossed despite the fact we went 1-0 down. TMUFC ended up losing 4-3. Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Even by the high standards of the complete fuck ups in the past by various Tooting teams this was a total disaster. The supporters club at the end of each season have an award for the worst game. The team will really have to go some to beat this trip to Northwood. You would like to think that the team would learn from the game and make sure that they don't let things like this happen again.... But this is Tooting and Mitcham so you can never be sure what the hell will take place on the pitch. I hate Football sometimes... most times in fact but I still go back for more in the belief that the next time TMUFC are 3-1 with 14 minutes to go that they will score a forth goal and then a fifth.... Maybe.
Tooting and Mitchams next game is a home fixture against Marlow on Saturday 18th August at Imperial Fields.... A game which now has far more riding on it in terms of supporter morale than it should do


Tuesday, July 31, 2018

2018 - 19 Season Review By Roger Butcher (Ramone).

Yet another guest writer. This time a big thank you to Roger Butcher (Ramone) who was for many years the only one doing any social media for the club.

This is his review on the 2018 -19 season taken from the Tooting Daily Prss web site

The new management team of Ashley Bosah and Cornelius Nwadialor. Photo by Sam Conquest

After the disappointment of relegation last year, the green shoots of optimism about the new season are beginning to emerge. Roger Butcher looks forward to the new season at Tooting & Mitcham United FC.
It seems, that no matter how bad things have been, most football supporters approach a brand new season with a renewed confidence, no matter how misplaced!
Over the summer, the club parted ways with manager Frank Wilson after three seasons of extremes! No mid-table mediocrity with Wilson! It seems to have been an amiable split, and certainly the supporters don’t have a bad word to say about Frank. But finishing bottom of the table normally means that the manager will be shown the door, and so it was with Tooting.
The new man at the helm is well known at Tooting & Mitcham – Ashley Bosah. He has been around the club for many years in a number of roles – predominantly working with the youth set up, and more recently he was to be seen in the dugout alongside Frank Wilson. It goes without saying that we wish him the best of luck and hope he gets off to a good start. He will be assisted by a new face at Tooting – Cornelius Nwadialor.
The new management team will be taking the team into unknown territory as we have been relegated to a newly formed division – the Isthmian South Central. It is still sponsored by Bostik, but due to the new regionalisation of the leagues, we will be playing against teams from areas that we haven’t been to for many years. The South Central Division is at Step 4 of the non-league pyramid – that same level in which we won the league just 2 seasons ago. So despite the new name and a few new opponents, this league shouldn’t hold too many fears for us.
There are generally a lot more comings and goings of players over the summer in the non-league game compared to professional teams, but so far the new management team have done well to keep the bulk of last season’s squad. Although the team finished bottom, I still think that having a continuity of players is beneficial to making a good start to the season. There still seems to be a good spirit amongst the players despite the trials and tribulations of last season. Our biggest loss may be Chace O’Neill who has joined a club in the Bostik Premier division after 3 seasons with us in which he had some magnificent performances.
Also departing is Mike Dixon whose goals in the 2nd half of the championship season propelled us over the line in the title race with Dorking Wanderers. Injuries blighted his campaign last season, but he is another one who will be playing in the Bostik Premier next season.
As for new players, it’s difficult to say this early in the season.  Clubs at our level very rarely have players on contracts, and so players are free to move clubs right up until the first game of the season. We have had 5 friendly matches so far which has featured quite a few players. Some from last season’s team, some from the youth team and some new faces from other teams. How the final squad will shape up is not clear yet, as the new manager still has a couple of weeks to weigh up his options.
The results in the pre-season friendly games are really inconsequential but Elijah Simpson may have staked an early claim for a 1st team spot with 4 goals in our 6-1 win over Redhill.  Other results so far include a 2-1 win over Whyteleafe, a 1-1 draw away at Staines and a couple of defeats at the hands of Merstham and Greenwich Borough.
As for the new season, it is difficult to work out who will be the teams to look out for as due to the reorganisation of the leagues, there are quite a few teams who were in different leagues last season, such as the Southern League. I suppose Hayes & Yeading will be a force, as they were playing in the Conference as recently as 2012. At the other end of the scale is Westfield, who play near Guildford, and who are playing their first season at this level having won the Combined Counties League last season with an impressive 106 points.
Tooting embark on the new campaign away to Northwood on 11th August and have their first home game against Marlow on 18th August. If you can’t wait till then to get your football fix, there is one remaining friendly against Horsham on 4th August. Why not come down and enjoy a bit of late summer football?
And don’t forget that the FA Cup begins for clubs at our level in August. We start in the preliminary round and will have a home tie against Redhill or Horley, depending on who wins their tie a week previously.
Upcoming Home Fixtures (all at 3pm):
•Horsham (Pre Season Friendly) – Sat 4th August
•Marlow – Sat 18th August
•Redhill or Horley Town (FA Cup) – Sat 25th August
•Chipstead – Bank Holiday Monday 28th August

 Come along – the 280 bus stops right outside!

Monday, July 23, 2018

Sir Tim Magone

Another Guest Writer. This time Sir Timothy Megone. King of The Bog End.
It's fair too say that Tim is one of the "Characters" over at Tooting and Mitcham. When I say "Characters", I mean nutcase.

I don’t go along with the Fifth Columnists and the Shabby Naysayers who attributed England’s World Cup progress to a horny cocktail of good fortune and sub-standard opposition. Or the general idea that we are light years away from the glittering citadels that bestride international football.
England have fucked it up in the past against supposed village level opposition and there was no prospect of that on this occasion (or at least there shouldn’t have been against Tunisia if the officials had turned up in the first half). Sweden and Colombia were genuinely dangerous opponents that we sent packing (albeit after a decidedly wobbly finish against the latter) and we weren’t far off toppling Croatia, who could easily have won the whole thing.
If you take away the Big Potatoes of the tournament – France, Belgium, Croatia and Brazil – you’re left with a chasing pack of spritely whippersnappers and plucky fuckers (Mexico, Switzerland) and stumbling giants (Germany and Argentina) without a lot to choose between them, and England somewhere near the front of the perky pretender brigade.
I remain firmly convinced that if Mikhail Antonio (injured and out of favour, but immortalized by his Tooting and Mitcham past and morally still black and white all the way) had been on board in Russia, things would have been different and the 52 year drout ended once and for all.
England could also do with a hefty improvement in the musical accompaniment department, starting by ditching the forelock tugging dirge that masquerades as a national anthem. That’s the song they play before Northern Ireland matches where our Lord and Saviour is requested to rescue an elderly German woman from who knows what – the perils of silly hats at Ascot?  Perhaps we could have a song about England instead?
Steel Eye Span’s (or is it Spam, as in fritter) ‘All Around My Hat’ appears to fit the bill. Blown away by the orgasmic musical swirl, I never really listened to the lyrics, but educated guesswork and wishful thinking tell me that it deals with Morris dancing and pagan rituals in the Forest of Dean, garnished with assorted Village Idiot rites of passage (cheese rolling, shin-kicking and stinging nettle eating competitions, with Countryfile’s John Craven gazing lovingly from afar). Does it for me.
England’s lusty surge to the World Cup semi-final and the beer-soaked frenzy that went with it brought back memories of 1990, when people who normally couldn’t give a shit about football steamed in on the act, casting off their shackles and running amok through fields, forests, bus shelters and discos across the realm – while those of us who’d suffered the Three Lions’ constipated flounderings for years wondered what the fuck was going on.
My daughter is one of the new breed of steely eyed zealots, which is puzzling when you consider her footballing past with Tooting and Mitcham: - she strolled onto the scene over a decade ago to the riotous splendour of Richard Cadette’s fantastic but fragile and ultimately failed promotion chasing team. It featured the rampaging heroics of ‘Super Johnny’ Hastings (with his six-goal haul against Kentish tunnel fuckers Ashford Town), which put Harry Kane’s recent exploits in the shade.
All of which failed to impress her and she turned her back on the One True Cause after a couple of years’ failed indoctrination from the Bog End priesthood. But if the devil-may-care antics of Jordan Pickford and Harry Maguire are enough to entice her back to Tooting’s shrivelling fan base, then that will do me fine.

I’m still struggling to cope with the passing of another World Cup. Despite missing more bits than I would have wanted (Serbia v Switzerland for starters), I probably enjoyed this one more than any that I can remember.
As a defender of righteousness and justice across the globe, my default position has always been to stand by the arbiters of law and order, so it will come as no surprise that I found the general standard of refereeing pretty handy, especially compared with the crap that we put up with in the 1990’s.
Perversely, amongst the low lights was the introduction of VAR, with frequently questionable reviews, followed by massive delays and sealed with often shitty decisions, Iran’s dodgy penalty against Portugal being a case in point, but one that ultimately didn’t change anything. The one that stole the show – because it affected the course of the game and quite possibly the outcome - was the ludicrous penalty awarded to France in the final against Croatia. 
Rio Ferdinand defended the new system by bleating something about it making the game more entertaining. Possibly, but you could achieve roughly the same effect by bringing on a bunch of fire quaffing jugglers or inviting Sepp Blatter and the Pope to duel naked in a giant vat of custard for 90 minutes. Whether you’d get footballing justice is another matter. 
I think the real problem may not be the technology itself but the longstanding obsession amongst officialdom with pointing to the spot every time the ball flies within farting distance of a fingernail anywhere in the vicinity of the penalty area.
I’m looking forward next season to seeing the non-league version of this, especially at the fourth tier where Tooting and Mitcham will be scrapping for glory with a variety of pig farms, several of them Middlesex, Surrey and Berks and Bucks outposts - set for deserved destruction if the Heathrow empire megalomaniacs have their way.
The technology won’t have been invented yet, so slow motion replays will presumably be enacted by amateur thespians from a local drama group pissing about with a beach ball in the club bar. A panel of experts, ideally myself, will mete out justice and retribution and the flame of truth and freedom will burn brightly and destroy all in its path.

Cheers Tim.....

I nicked all of this of his Facebook page with his permission I may add....