Sunday, January 13, 2019

Poo Pantsy

Dear reader... All good things come to an end, the happiness and joy that have had me skipping around Mitcham with a smile as big as Beddington Park Sewage treatment works have been replaced by bitterness and hatred as the black clouds of doom and gloom spread to Hackbridge Towers and the surrounding areas. Missed the away day victory at Chalfont and ended up at Raynes Park Vale v Sutton Common Rovers which ended up with having four players sent off, ranting fans from both side who managed to make the terraces of TMUFC seem full of church goers and mutes. SCR won one nil by the way.... Don't let anyone say that Non League is boring. If you want to spend 90mins in the company of people loosing it big time visit your local Non League club and keep an eye on the stands and terraces.
 "Bitter hate filled old man in twisted football based rant"
Now it's very easy to blame match officials when you lose a match. It's very easy to look for excuses for your beloved team bad performances.... But..... It's true this time.
The ref for our game against top of the table Hayes and Yeading was truly fucking awful, turning the game into a little more than an ego trip for himself. Giving free kicks for the most minor of touches then completely missing blatant and sometimes violent infringements. H&Y first penalty looked harsh as in truth did our one.... The ref then somehow missed a nailed on free kick after a foul on Daryl Coleman and let H&Y play on a get their second goal  Can't comment on their second one which pretty much sowed the game up for the airport baggage molesters as I was getting something to eat thus saving myself the horror of watching their third goal. I've seen some pretty bad refs as I'm sure you have dear reader but this one would be in the top ten. Special mention must also go to the linesman who looked about  93 years old and who was also quite shite. People say you should respect your elders but it's fucking hard when they are that useless. He probably spent Saturday night drinking Horlicks wearing slippers and a dressing gown while the nursing home staff help change his nappy while listening to his anecdotes from his time fighting in the Boer War.
The team played well and should have come away with at least a point against a team who have knocked up some pretty impressive results this year. But as it was pointed out that if they have the same match officials it's no wonder they score so many goals. Hayes and Yeading have been one of the few good teams we've played this year and at least they brought along a decent amount of away supporters to Fortress Imperial. Must have made a nice change for many of them to head over to South London to get away from stealing suitcases or flying drones over Heathrow during their spare time.
It's looking like either them or Bracknell to win the title while the other clubs who make the play offs will have to contend with rules and spread sheet formulas which would test even someone like Carol Vorderman to work out. We are still in the mix for a play off place but don't ask me to explain how it will work this season if we do get there.
You'll be pleased to know that Bog End Ant has continued his fine work in spreading peace and love through out South London with his new Twitter account by getting blocked by the official Dulwich Hamlet twitter account for possibly upsetting a few with his review of their ground on google maps... And possibly most of his other posts on Twitter

                                                   Bog End Ant social media expert

Here's mine.....

Here's Bog End Ants Video Blog from the Hayes and Yeading game

Bog End Ant

Please subscribe and follow this little herbert and make him a rich and famous You Tube blogger

However, One Dulwich fan described the match day experience at TMUFC as  "Three dozen depressed old men and one potty-mouthed semi-feral child". Which in all honesty is pretty close to the truth.
Right now here are King Timmys views on the Terrors away days over at Molesey and Chipstead:

 The Black and White Army returned to its travels about a month ago with a trip west to the Land of the Setting Sun, otherwise known as Molesey. In truth, the sun didn’t bother to turn up at all, let alone dip beneath the horizon in a flame drenched finale. It was pissing with rain more or less all day and there were already puddles on the pitch as the first of the travelling hordes arrived. Probably not our greatest turnout but we still had the majority of a threadbare crowd.
The ref saw fit to go ahead and who could blame him. Football in a swamp has always appealed to me – either playing or watching. You may not see too many free-flowing moves but it does lend a blood and guts feel to proceedings. As a deluded young fan, most of my finest hours were spent watching the Mighty Terrors sweep all before them in the shark infested waters of Sandy Lane.
Not surprisingly, it was the likes of centre half Antonio Simeone who prospered, winning everything in the air and dealing with all that came his way against a competitive Molesey outfit. Yet it was the plum clad Terrors that held the upper hand, the in-form Darryl Coleman firing home from a well worked corner routine. And so it stayed, but at the interval, trickery and treachery were afoot behind the changing room doors. The Molesey players’ incessant wining as they made their way towards the moist but firm penalty area, pointing at drops of water and pretending to shudder, was enough to persuade the ref to call it a day.
For anyone who doesn’t believe in conspiracies, how many Tooting matches in the last 40 years have been abandoned with us losing? The answer s a big fat round number and it’s less than one.  
Never mind: an afternoon of rural pornography in Chipstead beckoned the following week. The Surrey village is the bastard offspring of the Farming/Stockbroker union: pavements do not exist in this peculiar part of the world where 75% of the local populace run around in Countryfile licensed tanks and mow down anything that moves. Best to leave the roads well alone. I did so and strolled through about four miles of woods and fields, dreams of John Craven stirring my loins as I predictably got lost amongst the grazing sheep. I also spotted a young deer, skipping happily through the trees at some pace, blissfully unaware of the fate that awaited at the hands of some bastard in an armoured car on the nearby road.
There was some football as well – and with the Bog End hordes more than trebling the average gate – festive fun for all the family. There was abit too much social intercourse amongst the black and white brigade with idle chatter about modern gramophone music and crop rotation diluting what should have been a rampant atmosphere, especially when Darryl Coleman hit the target once again, bending a sweetly struck free kick into the far corner. We remained impressive almost to the end with Isaiah Jones stealing in at the far post to sweep home his tenth of the season midway through the half. But a mild-mannered panic set in when the Stockbrokers capitalized on a ref’s cock up (failing to award us an obvious free kick at the other end) and supplied a decent finish to generate a few nerve mangling moments as the locals pressed for an equalizer. Then came the last gasp heroics: breaking out from a corner, Saidou (Citizen) Khan took the ball half the length of the pitch, outpacing the defence before taking it round the keeper and applying a magisterial finish: 3-1 to the Stripes.
We’re back there again in the Surrey Cup under the candles in a fortnight. Be sure to bring a searchlight and an anti-tank gun, and to wear a trifle in your hair.

Saturday, December 29, 2018

El Surreyco

Well goodbye to 2018 a year which in many ways was dreadful from a Terrors point of view but has ended up being pretty positive and I'm looking forward to 2019 with a fair bit of optimism after last seasons relegation. The first couple of months were pretty grim to say the least but I do feel a sense that the club is slowly and surely rebuilding. Forget the moaning and groaning that sometimes rains down from the stands and terraces. This is a good time to be a Terror... Keep the faith.

There's lots going on behind the scenes at the club. Keep your eyes peeled and ears open and if you can help in anyway on match days please do.

This Christmas period has seen us play to clubs who geographically our local rivals in the Bostik South Central. Chipstead and South Park. So two afternoons away from stuffing my face with chocolate and all the other things that hide my six pack from view when I look at myself in the mirror. I've been vegetarian for well over 20 years now and in fact my diet is mainly vegan but I still manage to be a big fat slob.

The game at Chipstead was not as one sided as our last visit when Billy Dunn destroyed them in a 7-0 victory but it was never the less a comfortable win against the May Pole dancers and Morris men of Chippy Town. A great long run from Saidou Khan who must have run almost the entire length of the pitch and then beat the Chipstead keeper with a brilliant side step was the icing on the Christmas Cake and lead to a Bog End rendition of Jingle Bells..... Oh what fun it is to see Tooting win away....

Good to see Trevor  S who does a lot of the social media at Chipstead again as he has links and many friends over at TMUFC

              The Chipstead Supporters Club Christmas Dinner and Dance..... Another great success

Next up South Park had been having a bad season so far and were stuck at the bottom end of the table but a change of manager with ex Tooting player Jay Lovett taking over at Whitehall Lane has lead to an improvement on the pitch. Toots started well going one nil up after 20mins but although the Stripes had plenty of the ball and second goal did not come. South Park played well and their defence worked well together. South Parks goal came from one of their few real attempts on goal but they were worth a point in the end.

Many seemed to view the game as two points dropped but although disappointed I'm still happy with the way the team is going. Play offs still a possibility but I personally will be happy with a stable mid table finish with the view of building for next season. Still could have been worse as one Dulwich fan was to find out when he turned up expecting to see their game against Slough not realising that the squatters had returned to the Sainsburys Car Park to play out the rest of their season.

Please check out yet another excellent Video Blog from Bog End Ant

He has put up loads of good stuff up during the season and is well worth subscribing to. Yes of course I'm biased but if you have any interest in the trails and tribulations of following the mighty Toots, he is well worth watching and supporting online. He lives, sleeps and breathes Tooting and Mitcham. He could have taken the easy option and followed a so called big club but he's a Terror through and through.

He recently lost his original Twitter Account so please check out and follow his new account


Don't expect to much peace and love towards the Pink and Blue side of South London even during this time of goodwill to all men. In fact don't expect any goodwill during the other 51 weeks of the year either.

The supporters club shop (Table) is going well. We will soon be getting new scarves, pens and other Terror related merchandise.
We still have copies of Jeff Brooks book "We Woz Robbed In '59"  about Tooting and Mitcham United's epic 1958/59 season. We also have a few 2019 calendars left for sale.
Many people have offered to pass on their programme collections over to the supporters club so soon we hope to have an outlet to sell these at the ground.

                                        The 2019 Calendar, just a few left....

I'd personally like to say a special thanks to everyone who have helped and backed me up over the last year. I was going to name everyone but I was honestly worried I'd miss people out but a big thanks must go the Dave Irons who has put up with me and Ant on all those away days. Also Phil Nightingale for his help and support. So many people have helped raise the profile of this great club since the start of this season.... Cheers.

Now to end with, all of us at Tooting and Mitcham were sad to hear of the death of ex Tooting player
David Gabriel. Here is Tim Megone excellent tribute to a man who is viewed with great affection by everyone at TMUFC

 Tooting and Mitcham supporters will have been shocked and saddened by the recent news of David Gabriel’s death.
 One of our longest serving and most popular players from the late ‘80’s and ‘90’s, he was at the club earlier in the year for a mini-players’ reunion and would often return to the club and chat to supporters in the bar.
 Gabs was signed for us about half way through 1987/88 by manager Barry Neville, who had himself recently arrived at Sandy Lane. The new boss had rolled in with a mini fanfare and some ambitious noises, declaring his aim to return the club to its ‘rightful’ place in the Conference (non-league top tier), and splashing the cash to go with it, notably on striker and goal machine Dave Flint, a record signing at the time (and possibly to this day for all I know). Amid the new wave of optimism, Neville had wisely counselled that Rome wasn’t built in a day (or even 30 years, he might have added), and so it proved as the season meandered into mediocrity. This didn’t stop Gabriel making a pretty decent impression, generally in central midfield where he put himself about to good effect in the air and on the ground, great in the tackle and a handy passer who could be relied on to produce the odd goal.
 A second season began with one expert, possibly under the influence of too much custard, predicting promotion that year and a place in the European super league by 2000. We quickly plummeted into the bowels of the Isthmian Premier, thrashing around desperately for survival, and as time wore on, our increasingly embittered regulars realized that Gabs was the best of all of Neville’s signings, and certainly the most committed. If others of a more treacherous nature had shown the same attitude, we would surely have survived, but it wasn’t to be, and we slithered to the first relegation in the club’s history in ’89.
 Under new manager Bob Langford, the connection between the players and the fans improved and I recall Gabs being one of the first players to buy the ill-fated Tooting and Mitcham propaganda tome, The Occasional Terrorist. Said fanzine awarded Gabs its Player of the Season award for his efforts in ‘88/’89, and few could have argued with the views of the imaginary panel.
 Even at the lower level, we floundered for a while but within a couple of seasons, we had rebuilt to launch a promotion assault and Gabriel was at the heart of things as our free-flowing football sent us surging skyward.
 Despite the turnaround and the newfound optimism at the club, Bob Langford was harshly dismissed amid backroom shenanigans and former 70’s FA Cup hero Trevor Ford appointed, bringing new players in. Injuries and competition limited Gabriels’s contribution, but it wouldn’t simply be spouting platitudes to say I don’t recall him ever letting us down, and he continued to play a part as we challenged once again for promotion, notably ‘93/94 when we were denied a place in the sun by a host of conspiracies.
 The following couple of seasons, we lost our way and fumbled around in mid table before beginning to get sucked into the relegation mire once again. Ford departed, making way for Jon Langford (Bob’s brother) to take over, and Gabriel became, once more, a pivotal figure. It was the efforts of, above all midfielders Gabs, Paul Loughlin, and Steve Fowler (all contributing vital goals) that saved us from the drop in ’96.
 They say that Euro ’96 was a big thing then, with England’s glorious quest narrowly thwarted in the semi-finals, but all that bollocks was but a fart in the wind compared with the Sandy Lane drama a few weeks earlier as we took on Thame United in a game we had to win. Roared on by the Sandy Lane faithful, we dominated but it was all becoming nerve crunchingly tense with the score line still goalless and twelve minutes to go. It was then that the ball arrived, fittingly, at the feet of our long serving hero. Gabs struck the ball firmly, unerringly, into the corner, and the ground erupted.
 The following season, Gabs was gone – and we were relegated. His absence wasn’t the only reason for our calamitous demise, but it certainly made a difference.
 Aside from his genuine ability and commitment, Gabs always had time for the fans and is right up there amongst the pantheon of Tooting and Mitcham luminaries, in my book and – I suspect – that of most of those who were around at the time.

Saturday, December 15, 2018

Moist in Molesey

A Rather artist photo of myself looking reflectively from the terraces of Fortress Imperial.

Sods law... One nil up and pretty much bossing the opposition and looking like getting another three points and the game gets called off because of a bit of a damp patch. When you get to my age damp patches can be a bit of a problem but to call off and abandon a glorious chance for TMUFC to climb the table towards footballing greatness was a massive punch in the nuts.

On arrival at Moist Molesey, just before Noah and his big boat turned up in the local High Street

Ok, I'll admit it was fucking freezing and pissing down with rain and the goal mouth looked like an adventure playground for wart hogs but just another 45 minutes of rain soaked football was just what the travelling Terrors wanted but the snowflake ref  decided that the goal mouth we were to be attacking reminded him of the Battle of the Somme and called the game off. Sods Law. In all honesty, it was the right thing to do as it was becoming obvious that the pitch was getting more and more waterlogged. Still a sickener as we were winning.  

Many of the travelling Terrors were talking about the fact that Molesey are a bit of a bogey club to the mighty Toots, but we have so many of those that it's not really worth worrying about superstitions and doom laden historical defeats as we have had so many of those over the years to various clubs around the South East of England.

A great result the week before against Uxbridge was also played in the rain but us South London types are made of harder stuff than those delicate little cherubs from near Hampton Court and we took 3 points of those Heathrow Herberts with a 4-2 win which included perhaps the goal of the season from Daryl  Coleman. The team is playing with great skill and confidence now.
Yet again Tooting and Mitcham managed to go down one nil in the first couple of minutes but fought back well to take all three points. The doom, gloom and misery which came from the Bog End terraces and stands has been replaced with a new sense of self belief that the corner has been turned and that there is a chance of making the play offs.

Click on the link below for an excellent Blog from Bog End Ant.

@Bogendant1959 Video Blog

Also if you are on Twitter or Facebook please follow the Official TMUFC pages and accounts as they are always good for video clips and brilliant photos of all of our games.
Now for another plug for the excellent book written by Jeff Brooks based around  the 1959 FA Cup game against Nottingham Forest "We Woz Robbed In '59 - Tooting and Mitcham United's epic 1958/59 season" and the build up and aftermath of the match. Price £10.00. A great bit of the local history of both Tooting and Mitcham and a great read.

Here's Jeff with a plug for his book taken from the "Bog End Forum"
The older members of this Forum ( ie most of you ! ) will recall that, back in 2002, I wrote and published a book " Tooting On The Move - A Farewell To Sandy Lane ". Well, I have been at it again. My new book " We Woz Robbed In '59 - Tooting and Mitcham United's epic 1958/59 season , set to a background of social events of the time " is due to go off to the printers later this week. I hope to have some copies with me for sale, at £10-00 each, at the home game v Uxbridge on Saturday 8th. December. Copies will also be available to buy by post. As the title implies the book is not just about the club's season but also about what was going on locally at the time - music, employment, politics crime, etc. About 115 pages, lots of photographs. Hopefully, a good read !

We will have copies on sale at Home Games for £10.00

If you want to order a copy by post either
1- send an e-mail to - giving your postal address and send payment of £ 14-90 ( £10-00 plus £4-90 for second class post in a padded envelope ) ,by bank giro transfer, to J S Brooks, 09-01-28, a/c no.46895124, giving your name as reference, or
2- write to Jeff at 24, Alderfield, Petersfield, Hants., GU32 3LH, giving your postal address and enclosing a cheque for £ 14-90, made payable to J S Brooks.

Robbed in 59

We can now officially say goodbye to the squatters who have now left the banks of the Wandle and are heading back to Champion Hill. I personally hope all there off field problems are over and the future of the club is safe. One thing that has been obvious since playing in the South Central Division is how many clubs manage to survive on very little crowds and small support and how important the various club volunteers are to keeping their respective clubs going. We always need help over at Tooting and Mitcham doing various stuff. Please help if you can in any way shape or form. Every little helps. Dulwich proved how important this can be in their resent struggles.  

Think I've just about warmed up and dried out after our little trip today.... Still I'd rather stand cold and wet on a rain soaked terrace watching Tooting and Mitcham in mid December than go anywhere near a supermarket full of angry Christmas shoppers looking for cheap shite presents for friends or family and on that thought provoking piece of Wandle Wisdom
I'll say goodbye and if I don't get back on here shortly, hope you all have a groovy Christmas and New Year xxx


Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Tales From The Riverbank

Hello readers, another resonably happy blog from the banks of the Wandle.Things going well after our jounery to Westfield the other week which I think would be fair to say was anything but happy.

                                                 Tales from the Wandle Riverbank
         "Dear Mishi, You and your muggy firm will get smashed all over the place, jog on mug"

First up, The Surrey Senior Cup 2nd round El Classico against Good old Corinthain Casuals my favorite team in pink, not like that other lot of squatting bastards who've covered Fortress Imperial in stickers and dumped a great big fucking pink and blue caravan up near the far end bogs.......

Also good to play a team with a vocal away support which is something this Bostik South Central has shown very little of. The occasional bumpkin with a drum has turned up to try and drown out the Bog Ends finest and the moaning old gits who sit in the stands swearing at everything and everybody. So it was good to have a collection of old punks, drunks and lunatics turn up from along the A3 to cheers the Casuals on. I should be bitter a twisted and hate the fact they are more than holding their own in the Bostik Premiership but I'm glad for them and honestly hope we'll play each other in league games in that division soon. Whether I'd be so nice about them if we'd lost might have to be taken into consideration when reading this but we went through on penalties into the next round of the Surrey Senior Cup where I personally hope we get one of the big glamour clubs like Sutton (Cough).

Then on Saturday, another great fightback from the Terrors saw them get a draw against Bracknell Town after going two down in a other 10 or so minutes in the first half that are best forgotten.Nearly sneaked it at the end but if one thing has come from this season so far there is a lot of fight and good team sprirt this year. The occasional hic up but we'd hopefully pulled ourselves out of the start of season slump which almost broke my poor old heart and had me reaching for the tissues.

In other business news... The supporters club shop had it's grand opening that day and just like when that bloke from Harrods had a stake in Fulham and stuck a statue of Michael Jackson up outside the ground we are looking at getting a big brass statue of Bornatotter put up outside the ground in an effort to appeal to younger more hip type people than we currently get at Tooting games... Apart from me that is. Totts knows a lot about big brasses if the writing on the toilets walls of the Plough were anything to go by and although he supports Sutton I'm sure the statue will bring in hundreds of new fans to watch the Terrors battle their way through the dark, cold wet winter months.

They are opening a Lidl superstore in Hackbridge soon so I'm expecting a call from their head office asking for advice on the local area and the obivous gentifacation that going on around my manor. They might even open a Costa Coffee or Pret now which will allow myself and Mrs H to sit outside reading the guardian while drinking a coconut soya skinny latte while watching a tramp having a shit in a bin.

No game for the Terrors this coming Saturday and think it might be best if I get at least some of the Christmas Shopping done rather than watch another game while Mrs H going around Croydon on her own carrying heavy shopping bags full of festive shite.

Talking about Christmas Gifts. Jeff B has writen a book on the 1959 FA Cup game against Nottingham Forest "We Woz Robbed In '59 - Tooting and Mitcham United's epic 1958/59 season" and the build up and aftermath of the match.Price £10.00

Here's Jeff with a plug for his book taken from the "Bog End Forum"
The older members of this Forum ( ie most of you ! ) will recall that, back in 2002, I wrote and published a book " Tooting On The Move - A Farewell To Sandy Lane ". Well, I have been at it again. My new book " We Woz Robbed In '59 - Tooting and Mitcham United's epic 1958/59 season , set to a background of social events of the time " is due to go off to the printers later this week. I hope to have some copies with me for sale, at £10-00 each, at the home game v Uxbridge on Saturday 8th. December. Copies will also be available to buy by post. As the title implies the book is not just about the club's season but also about what was going on locally at the time - music, employment, politics crime, etc. About 115 pages, lots of photographs. Hopefully, a good read ! Maybe a Xmas present !

We are hoping to have some copies for sale at the home game v Uxbridge on Saturday 8th. December. I will also put up on Twitter and other Social media of how to get copies directly from Jeff

Please email Jeff  on  for more information and purchasing details.

Well dear reader.. Another happy ending..... Peace and Love "HH" xxx

Sunday, November 18, 2018

The 93rd Minute - More tales of my footballing life

Well the fun had to stop at some time didn't it. The happiness, joy and smiles that have had me walking around Hackbridge grinning like a lunatic have now left as I walk the streets of Beddington Corner avoiding the dog poo with tears in my eyes thinking back over the last few matches. Four games in the week that would test my love of the game and the power of my wallet to survive. As I write this on Sunday evening I feel liked I've been punched in the testicles by Anthony Joshua and I'm skint.

First up on Saturday 10th November came the Vikings from the frozen North, Ware FC who arrived at Fortress Imperial with a game plan of kicking our players off the park and they very nearly succeeded with what was could only be described as the right thuggish performance. Football is a contact sport but this was like watching the start of "Saving Private Ryan" as our players were hacked down at every given opportunity and watched by the match officials who seemed quite happy to watch two of our players get taken off with what looked like at the time, serious injuries. Yes of course we had not helped ourselves by having a player sent off for twatting one of theirs and letting Ware score if the 1st minute but they really were horrible.

Right at the end we were awarded a penalty which sent the very vocal Bog End into raptures as we looked to get at least a point from the game in which the Terrors had shown great team sprint after playing with ten men for most of the game. Of course we missed the bloody thing Peter Wedgeworth forcing a great save from their goalie who was the one Ware player who came out of the day with any dignity at all.... Then in the 93rd minute, again Peter Wedgeworth stepped up and sent a free kick on the edge of the box into the top corner which sent the Bog End mental. So we took a point from the game which can either be viewed as two points dropped or a point gained with an injury time goal. Anyway I left the ground with a big grin on my stunningly handsome face. Things were definitely looking better after the results at the start of the season. But dear reader, it was not to last.

Next up on Tuesday, the second round of the London Senior Cup tie and the visit of massive party poopers Harrow Borough. This a cup  many Terrors look forward to and is a competition which the club has a good record in. Those horrible sods took no notice of our feelings and stuffed us 5-2 in a quite one sided game. When ever you go out of the cup you can come out with the old footballing chestnut of "We can concentrate on the league now" or "The cup isn't important these days" but in truth we all want to win things or at least have a good cup run. I had spent most of the game sorting out the club shop so in the next few weeks hopefully we will be able to supply Tooting and Mitcham oven gloves, Bog End brand leather underpants and key rings.

I had a non league break on Thursday and headed up to Wembley for the England v USA friendly.
A number of clubs and groups in South West London had been kindly been given free tickets which had been arranged by Tooting's Labour MP , Dr Rosena Allin-Khan. Great to see loads of people at Wembley who would not normally ever get the chance to go to the stadium. (Tooting and Mitcham supporters). Good job the tickets were free if you did intend to get anything to eat or drink in the stadium or near by. I paid 8 quid for two portions of chips outside which were rank. Crisps, coffee and a Fanta in the ground didn't leave me with much change out of 20 quid. Just to think the FA want to give Scudamore a golden hand shake of 5 million. Should give him shares in the catering contract at Wembley instead of asking for cash of those hard strapped Premiership clubs.
Never really ever got into watching international football as I find it often brings out the worse in some people, but it was an enjoyable evening and I'm happy to say that I didn't see any white plastic chairs thrown in anger.

Off to the England game wearing my lucky World Cup 1966 coat.

The last game of the week was a trip down the A3 to Woking to play a league game against Westfield. They had just been promoted from the Combined Counties and were sitting happily in mid table. Nice little ground near to their neighbours Woking who play about half a mile away. Last time I wrote about Woking I mentioned the towns Modfather Paul Weller so I was a little worried that  Big Bad Paul and his funny haircut might turn up for a tear up... But he bottled it. Wanker.
I think I'm right in saying that it was their biggest crowd so far this season who witnessed a dire match from a TMUFC perspective. The Terrors going one nil up in the first couple of minutes which I missed as I was in the loo. Unluckily for me I was not in the toilet for the next 90 or so minutes as an attack of diarrhoea would have been a more fun filled way to spend a Saturday afternoon. Westfield equalising in the 74th minute and deep down the travelling Terrors knew what would happen. In the 93rd minute a corner was not cleared properly giving Westfield one last shot which went through a pack of player into the net. Can't really moan as Luke Colquhoun in the Tooting goal had kept us in the game with some great saves but losing to an injury time goal hurts never the less.
Westfield were a lovely club and kindly let me win a bottle of Jamaican Rum in their match day raffle.

Things could always be worse, you could be sitting in the back seat of this car getting a lift home after the Westfield game..

Well. Next up for yours truly is the visit from our friends from Corinthian Casuals in the Surrey Senior Cup, one of our local rivals who are more than holding their own in the Bostik Premiership which makes our car crash of a season last year even more hard to take. This Cup is really our only realistic hope of a trophy for this season. Fingers crossed that those posh gits take pity on us and play one of their schoolboy teams as a act of good will...... Tune into the next blog to find out if I'll be "Happy" or "Grumpy" or maybe one of the other "Seven Dwarfs"... Is there one called "Miserable Sod" or "Twatty" ?

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

That's my Boy.....

Sorry I've been away for a couple of weeks and I'm sure you've all missed my tales of Doom and Gloom. I've recently started a new job and as we all know adult life sometimes has to take over and make you concentrate on more important things other than going to some place in the middle of nowhere and shouting abuse at people you've never meet before for 90 minutes then going home and writing about it. Well at lot has happened in that time since I last took a sniff of Bostiks finest and sat down at the PC to write down my innermost feelings. First some good feed back from our Foodbank collection which took place when we played Ashford Town a couple of months ago
Below is an email from Wandsworth Food Banks which I received.

Dear Steve
Thank you so much for the amazing generosity of the Tooting and Mitcham United Football Club to the Wandsworth Foodbank. We are very moved by your kindness. 
The food donations weighed in at75.1kg which we estimate will provide 179 meals for local families in crisis.
We are putting the £34.70 towards our Christmas Appeal in which we are raising funds to give each foodbank guest a supermarket gift voucher in December, so that they can chose some fresh food and other essentials at Christmas time.
And finally thank you for the added bonus of the season tickets which have been discussed on numerous occasions in the office and possibly already put into use by the foodbank team.
We are very grateful for your support.
With best wishes
Pat Gabriel
Wandsworth Foodbank 

Cheers to everyone who helped out with this. I'll get another one arranged in the New Year

Well the squatters will shortly fuck off home and we will get Fortress Imperial all to ourselves again.The Media lovies have been all over the return of Dulwich to Champion Hill like a rash , which has lead to some right cringe worthy stuff going up online and in the press but I can't really blame them after all it seemed for a while that they could have ended up going out of business which no one wanted... Well apart from one 13 year old from Hackbridge.
Glad for all the hard working people at DHFC who have put so much time and effort to get things
sorted and to return home. I've meet some good people connected with them.
But before you accuse me of being in some kind of love in with the "Pinkies" I must remind you that Bogend Ant is the fruit of my loins and since the day they started squatting has oozed hatred at them in every way shape or form. he has been involved in all kinds of Twitter wars and arguments some of which turned out as ugly and nasty as Mishi's toe. In all honestly he has hated them since the first time he went to see Tooting and Mitcham. Hopefully the Non League family that all joined together to help and support Dulwich Hamlet in their struggle can now go back to taking the piss out of them when they return to Champion Hill.

Bogend Ant... In the words of Tom and Jerry characters Butch and Spike... "That's My Boy".

Next up was the little matter of TMUFC hitting a series of four away games on the trot starting with a trip to The Surrey commuter belt land of Egham for what would turn out to be quite an eventful match in many ways. Is there such a thing as a bad game of football that ends 4-3 ... ?
In truth I would have said no until witnessing this game. 3-1 down when the half time whistle blew which sent the travelling Bog End in a near hysterical mutiny. But the second half was to produce 3 Toots goals and spark a another pitch invasion for TMUFC and we snatched a win from what looked like a certain defeat 45 minutes earlier. If I'm honest despite the comeback I was still angry over the first 45 minutes to really appreciate  what the players had done and got home still feeling rather pissed of with the season so far. Thus proving that even 4 goals away from home and I'm still a miserable old bastard.
Great old school ground at Egham but Ant was disappointed in the lack of chips on sale but all in all I wish them well. A little gang of Herberts aged between 12 and 15 stood behind the goal during the second half singing songs about some of our more weighty supporters and the lack of dental hygiene in others."Where's your teeth, Where's your teeth" sang the Herberts. The travelling terrors replied with songs about "Going back to school on Monday" and were hit straight back with "You're going back to your care home" Cheeky little fuckers... Weather they'll still be cheeky in a couple of years time when dressed in Stone Island and being interviewed by Danny Dyer or Ross Kemp after going on a wrecking spree around the Bostik South Central remains to be seen. Anyway 3 points and a much needed win.
Next a trip up Norf to FC Romania who play at Cheshunts ground. Didn't make the trip but
informed by those who did get up there it was a good performance and another 4-1 away win good win. All said as well what a friendly club FC Romania was. They have struggled this season but seeing as they have only been going for a few years their story has been quiet something. Beating two clubs below us in the league at that point helped put a bit of distance between us and the two relegation places
Next up Hanwell away, another trip to a cold damp West London. I'd not been to that neck of the woods in around 40 years since heading over there to get a couple of tattoos done by an biker who was not to fussed about how old the people were he was inking. Hanwell also play in Black and White stripes and I'm reliably informed some of our travelling support were cheering on the home side in the belief that it was The Mighty Terrors. A good 2-1 win in front of a small but hardy group of Tooting's Finest and so far what I think has been TMUFC best performance of the season so far. Which gave me a chance to shout out the score to people waiting at the bust stop outside the ground who obviously were hanging around in the cold to find out if we won or not. Well impressed with the chips as well and if you get the chance read Bog End Ant's blog.

But don't take my word for it... Here's His Royal Highness The Prince of Wandle Tim Megones match review from Hanwell

The unbeaten run in plum continued a few weeks ago with the trip to Hanwell Town - yet another of the millions of clubs in our league that cling to the outskirts of Heathrow - in the London Cup. There are two important facts about Hanwell, the first being that they have a giant electronic scoreboard for no apparent reason and the second that they are nicknamed the Geordies. It’s easy to understand why, especially if you strode purposefully, as I did that night, along the imposing footbridge that crosses the mighty freeway known as Western Avenue, and spied from on high the Wembley Stadium Arch. If you have taken the wrong medication, and bearing in mind there was a misty drizzle that night, you could easily mistake the Arch for the Angel of the North and think that you were on the way to St James’ Park. Hanwell also play in black and white stripes, but so do we and no one has branded us ‘Geordies’, or indeed labelled Hanwell ‘Terrors’. And anyhow, that night we ditched the stripes and got our plums out for the lads (I’m not sure I spotted any women in the crowd of 53).   
Aided by Abraham Odoh’s all action endeavour and visionary passing, we took control and cruised into a 2-0 half time lead with a couple of clinical finishes from Elijah Simpson. Despite a goal from Hanwell soon after the break, we were even more dominant in the second half with Razzaq Coleman firing us 3-1 ahead and a raking long range strike from Kadeem Ajeon putting the icing on the cake. All that was left after a polished 70-minute performance was a complacent exhibition of crap showboating from our heroes, which could have landed us in severe trouble, but we staggered home 4-3. 
The Hanwell keeper had suggested to Bog End investigators that the Middlesex club were fielding a weakened team (somewhat surprisingly, as the London Senior Cup remains the world’s most prestigious piece of silverware), as to some extent, were we. I assumed this was the kind of sour grapes bollocks riposte that players and fans employ as a mid-humiliation defence mechanism. It certainly works for me. But we played our stripey Geordie chums again in the league on Saturday, again dressed as unripe plums, and it turns out the keeper was telling the unvarnished truth. He was himself one of several casualties in a bloody purge with the strengthened line-up featuring about nine other changes. 
Unperturbed by a meaner leaner looking display from our high-ish flying opponents, we eased our way into the contest and began once again to take control, though it took a crucial save from impressive new keeper Luke Colquhoun to keep us on track.
Set piece goals from Tooting used to feature as about as often as snow leopards in Basildon, but all of that seems to be changing, as we tore into the lead from a corner shortly before the break, with Peter Wedgworth’s swirling delivery finding its way through a forest of heads to Dominic Morgan Griffiths who nodded home. 
Hanwell equalized early in the second half, but with Isaiah Jones at his rampant best and tormenting and terrorizing the defence, we were not to be denied. Danny Bassett, a man on fire, deftly controlling, then thrashing the ball home from another set piece. After several weeks of darkness and despair, three away wins on the spin, have propelled us through the ozone layer and into an unlikely seventh place. It’s another away trip tomorrow, this time to League leaders Waltham Abbey. Bring it on.

So as it stood 3 wins and 9 points which has lead us to shoot up the table and for the moment put fears of a back to back relegation on hold for hopefully the rest of the season. As we proudly rose to seventh in the table we then travelled to Waltham Abbey for a Top of The Table Clash (cough), for the forth away game. Waltham Abbey sitting at the top of the league table ready to take on the pride of South London. This would be a big test..... One that I would miss due to major traffic problems at the Dartford crossing which meant a small group of Terrors ended up watching two local teams Colliers Wood v Balham play an entertaining game off the A3 Colliers Wood winning 1-0.
Please check out the link below to what I hope will be one of Ants first steps into film making and a career making multi million dollar blockbusting films allowing him to buy his Dad a fucking big house and a flash car

Bogend Ants Video Blog

Of course TMUFC won 2-0 without me there to cheer them on. Sods law. Tooting beat the top of the table club on their own patch and I miss it. But I'm still happy.... And thats how I'm going to end this blog.... Smiling, which as you know if you've read any of my other stuff is very rare indeed


Massive thanks to Tim Magone, Bogent Ant and Dave Irons who has taken me and Ant to so many games over the last few years.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Breeze in Cerise.

He's back... The Tooting Sex Machine Tim Megone with his views on life, love and Tooting and Mitcham. Dulwich may have hundreds of reporters and media types but we have Timothy and we wouldn't swap him for the world...

 Every now and again, for want of anything better to do as the planet collapses and the pagans run riot, we return to the vexed question of football away kits.
The pleasing purple haze that assisted our title triumph of a couple of years back met with general approval (Mitcham Lavender/Tooting Purpular Front).
However, this year’s sponsors Campus Society decided to make their mark by altering our away strip. Given the sensitivities around the Omelette invasion of Imperial Fields, no one dares use the word ‘pink’ in Terror circles for fear of turning peculiar or breaking out in boils as the bubonic plague rises up from the from the mists and deals out death to saints and sinners alike. But the current outfit looked dangerously close to Satan’s favoured shade. Scientists, poets and chemical quaffers at the Bog End toyed with ‘cerise’ and ‘fuscia’ before the Priesthood’s influential crumble and custard wing intervened and carried the day with ‘plum’. So it is that on our travels, we have become ‘The Tooting Plum(m)ular Front’. I have eaten a couple of said fruits recently and their dark complexions bore fuck all resemblance to the newfound travel wear, but who gives a toss?

Cerise thongs are now available in the club shop or ask Dave Irons for details and prices.

 In any case, the plum attire spurred us to a couple of, sort of, memorable cup wins, the first of them in the FA Cup First Qualifying Round at Horsham YMCA of the Sussex County League, one level below us in the pecking order. More often than not, we struggle against this sort of opposition but things looked good for most of the first half, Dominic Morgan Griffiths running the show from midfield as we carved out numerous openings. The best chances fell to the ever-dangerous Zac Coleman, but this time he failed to put them away. Towards half time, the Christian Children began to turn things round and after the break, they took over as our own youthful prodigies lost their way.
It was no surprise when they took the lead with a deflected shot and an early cup exit loomed large yet again. Last season, we tended not to bother scoring from set pieces but things could be changing as the giant Nexus Beedon rose majestically at the far post to send a looping header into the net from Wedgworth’s corner. This should have signalled a rampant revival but we immediately fell apart, Tope Fadahunsi receiving his marching orders for a second booking within seconds of the restart.
After that, simple survival seemed to be the order of the day but we snatched an unlikely winner, engineered by two of our subs, in the dying seconds. Subbuteo sized midfield dynamo Abraham Odoh won the ball and surged forward before threading a precision pass through the defence for striker Elijah Simpson to burst through and slot home with the silken touch of a seasoned assassin. A heart crushingly harsh Cup exit for the Sussex children but delirium for the travelling hordes. The celebrations lasted until the FA Cup Second Qualifying round draw, which landed us with a pig’s arse of a tie at the then leaders of the National League South, Woking. Still, if nothing else, it meant another plum flavoured day out for the travelling legions …
At the moment I am a mere six weeks behind but in these days of incessant information and rolling news that tells us fuck all, we can expect the tale of Saturday’s Eggstravaganza to hit our screens by Xmas …