Tuesday, August 27, 2019


The magic of the FA Cup. A competition which has given me so many happy moments over the years, not with Toots obviously as my main FA Cup moment with TMUFC was seeing Bog End Ant get strung by a wasp at Leatherhead while we lost the game heavily. But I can dream of cup glory every season. On the way to Hertford while driving along the North Circular myself and Ant spotted in the distance the Wembley Arch from the middle lane on the Hangar Lane Gyratory System, rising high on the North London skyline like a giant toilet seat slowly closing on some kind of megalithic porcelain pan. Could this be our year. The Final against Manchester City on a hot day in May in front of a world wide television audience of millions...
                         The horrible type of online cyber bullying that I have to put up with.

Started off the FA Cup weekend with a trip to Gangrene Lane to watch Sutton Common Rovers game against Eastbourne Town for another Friday night footie fest. Meet up with those Pier Pressure chaps who kindly made up some limited edition stickers for myself and the cyber troll bastard face Bornatotter. A good set of chaps who are well worth following on Twitter etc. @TownUltras
Fame at last Dear Reader. I'm known in Eastbourne !!!!!!! and I'm still under 60

Fame at last

SCR winning the game the game 3-0. A good night out and an entertaining game from a neutral perspective. There are some good up and coming local clubs below us on the footballing pyramid.
Next on Saturday, it was time for the all conquering Terrors to start on the long long trip up to Wembley Way with a game against Kent Side Faversham Town. A comfortable 1-0 win in which their goalie made some fine saves although a good defensive preformance from Tooting made sure that there would be no trips to darkest Kent for a mid week replay. This also ensures my dream of being interviewed by the BBC match of the Day team on the day of the final without swearing, stuttering or soiling myself in front of Ian Wright could still come true. Again better finishing could have and should have killed the game off sooner, but a win is a win and our FA Cup journey continues. Of course I missed the only goal doing the Club Shop table thingy. We are hoping to end up in the old stewards room over at the far end of the ground once the turnstiles move. Until then look out for me shouting and yelling by the side of a scarf covered table.
No need to worry about missing the goal as Toots number one Vlogger Bog End Ant got it covered.
Some more good stuff going online from those South London Is Black and White chaps going up on their blog. Please give the a follow and check out their stuff.
"Another brilliantly written article by Warren" Father explained to the family
"Yes Father, Besty is very clever as well" said oldest daughter Elizabeth.
"But like Duncan's work the best" added Philip
"Better than that fucking bollocks Harry does" laughed Mother.
Next up was a trip down to visit the team who have become are biggest rivals according to the Victor Meldrew review of the season twitter and web site......... Chipstead..... Yes, those bastards
Bank Holidays often fall on various religious and pagan festivals so the locals may well have started the day by stripping down to their underpants and chasing a lard covered pig around the town square before watching the town elder throw a donkey off the church roof before heading over for the visit of The Mighty Terrors. One of Chipsteads staff mentioned that Tooting bring a good away support, most of whom seem a bit nutty... What could he possibly mean....
                                                         Local Team for Local People
Yet again The Terrors away following seeming to make up a large percentage of the Bank Holiday crowd. I bet a few of locals had wished they'd stayed at home and washed the lard off as Toots took the lead after a defensive mistake by Chipstead let Danny Bassett score an easy tap in. Being the true sportsmen we are we let them get back into the game after letting them score a free header from a free-kick. Toots scored the winning goal when another free-kick from Daryl Coleman twisted into the back off the net sending the travelling Toots into raptures.
Games against Chippy Town often get a bit spicey and Omari Hibbert got shown a harsh red card later on in the game after he was fouled, the Chipstead player only getting a yellow. A very hot afternoon which must of been hard to play in. Glad the ground has plenty of cover and shade for the snowflake fans like me. So another victory which leaves us second on goal difference. Yes still early days but things are looking good. 
I'm happy, Ant is happy and Mrs H is happy because we are happy. What a great way to spend a Bank Holiday Weekend. Come and join us on the Bog End, this could very well be the start of something special....
Just seen the draw for the next round of the FA Cup where we play AFC Vardenians who come from Brighton despite sounding like Dr Who villains from the 7th moon of Uranus.
                           "We've drawn Tooting and Mitcham in the next round, Make sure you
                                             iron my best Stone Island jumper you mug"
Wemmmmberleeeey !!!!!! 
Up The Stripes !!!

Thursday, August 22, 2019

Here We Go

Right Dear Reader.... The friendlies are done and dusted and the real stuff begins. The summer holidays are nearly over and I'm ready for action. Beach Body Ready !!!!
                           Hackbridge Harry.... Beach body ready on the banks of the Wandle
Quite a few around in the Victor Meldrew South Central are tipping us to do well and the sense of self belief around Fortress Imperial amongst  the Black and White hoards is very positive.... So what could possibly go wrong.
First up was one of out furthest trips "Up Norf" to the land of the Wildlings, White Walkers, Whippets and coal mines....Hertford. Plenty of travelling Toots making the journey up the A1 to bolster the 160 crowd. One managing to tear his shorts outside the Wetherspoons in the town and then had to make a quick shopping trip around town to buy more clothing to cover his dignity.... Also found out that a couple of our fans made to trip to Harlow instead of Hertford. Both sober by the way who then had to get a cab over to the correct ground and match. I won't mention their names as I don't want to cause any embracement to Phil and Duncan Nightingale. Or Mitch the trouser ripper. Special mention to Besty and his choice of head gear. The man has a eye for fashion that many can never match in the world of male grooming and design.
Land of the Wildlings, White Walkers, Whippets
Hertford's pitch was dreadful and I was told that a number of issues behind the scenes there has lead to a number of problems there including the upkeep of the pitch. A shame as I've enjoyed games against them. This pretty much stopped our normal quick passing game and certainly had an bearing on the rest of the match. Toots scoring an 85 minute goal to take the three points which we deserved after a couple of great saves from the Hertford goalie and a few quite stunning misses. Good to see Omari Hibbert score and yet again DMG had another fantastic game. So a long drive back to Hackbridge Towers with massive grins on our faces for me and Ant.
Next up were Ashford Town at Fortress Imperial for our second league game of the season. 250 turning out on a lovely summer night to watch the Terrors win 3-1 in a game which they pretty much dominated with an excellent performance over the visitors. Toots had to play in their plum away strip due to problems getting the Victor Meldrew logos etc on the normal black and white kit. Not sure one bit about betting  companies getting involved with sponsership side of football and the possible influence they can have on games but that's a topic for people more knowledgable people than me..Hady scoring the first after six minutes with David Castanho getting the 2nd after Ashford had equalised with a brilliant diving header. Danny B settling any lingering nerves with the third.
Great to see the team carrying on the fast flowing football shown during the pre season and which hopefully will keep us in the hunt for the play offs. Although we still have a long way to go and as anyone who has supported TMUFC over the years will tell you we can never take things for granted, but this feels good.
THE HORROR....... THE HORROR.........
More new faces showing up at games and the social media side of things is getting better and better at Toots. Not my stuff obviously... God forbid I start coming across as normal and rational on here or on twitter. Please follow @hackbridgeharry for all the Dulwich and Sutton trolling you could ever want.
If you need a little more of a sensible view on Tooting and Mitcham, please pay a visit to those cheeky chaps at South London Is Black and White a visit
And of course the perfect antidote to Sky and the BBC..... Bog End Ant and his Youtube Vlog
Always worth a visit
One of the main things that stops people coming to watch Non League Football is the idea that some have is that it is no better than pub football or watching a kick about in a local park. There is some great football to be watched all around the country and at a faction of the price of watching VAR slowly kick all the fun out of scoring goals in the so called elite leagues. The joy of seeing the ball hit the back of the net and the fans celebrations all taken away by technology and so the media pundits can spend hours discussing incidents again and again to see and work out if Harry Kane nose was offside or a Burnley player had one of this six toes parallel  with the linesman flag. Football is such an exciting but simple game why ruin it and take away the best part of the whole experience. VAR could however be the best thing for Non League over the country as people get to see how it will kill the game. Plus the fact that you will have paid so much money for a match ticket to have a robot tell you when to cheer or not. We never did really work out how the Cylon Robots became so powerful in Battlestar Galactica or how the Cybermen built their space and time empire in Dr Who but mark my words, I often check my crystal ball and  VAR could just be the start of mankinds demise.  
Well will the mighty Toots rise like a majestic firey Phoenix into the top reaches of the Victor Meldrew South Central division or end up like a one legged pigeon eating cold kebab meat off a South London pavement, only time will tell. But join us on the Bog End to find out Dear Reader.... You are missing out on some good football if you choose to stay at home and watch Sky and the BBC kill the game we all love....

Up The Stripes !!!!!

Saturday, August 10, 2019

Pre Season Pre Nerves

Well here we are Dear Reader, Hope you had a lovely break away from my tales of doom, gloom, happiness and joy. So it's the start of the new 2019 / 20 season and we get ready for the start of the Victor Meldrew South Central League.

We'd all been waiting a while for the return to Fortress Imperial and the start of the Pre Season friendlies and the team has looked really good in the first few games. Much as I love Mrs H and I'm sure she loves me, spending too much time in each others company while going around the Asda Beddington Lane on a Saturday has meant she has looked forward to the start of the season more than I have plus she gets to be free of Bog End Ant for a few hours. So it was to be a pretty busy Pre Season programme for me and Ant...

Mrs H looking forward to the start of the 2019-20 season as she gets to get rid of Hackbridge Harry and Bog End Ant on Saturdays

A number of players from last seasons squad had left as Frank Wilson took the reins over at Mertsham and took a number of our players with him after Hayden Bird had joined Kingstonian . I wish him and the departing players all the best over there. I hope the footballing Gods treat him better than they did in his last year at Toots. In truth losing a number of senior players caused a lot of worry on the various social media sites but the club have brought in some new faces and a returning hero Dean Hamlin to bolster the ranks. A number of youth players from last seasons Under 23 Champions have also been brought into the first team squad. Things are looking good and there was a full programme of pre season fixtures booked to help get the Terrors up and running for the new season.

To start with a two nil victory over Moist Molesley and then another two nil win over our next door neighbours Tooting Bec set things off nicely for our short trip over to Carshalton on July 13th, Toots turning out an impressive three nil win against the Robins who had a fantastic last season and have start pulling in some impressive crowds. They played a mixture from their squad which I'm told contained only a few first team players but even so the second half was great to watch from a Terrors or Neutral perspective. Goals from Filipe, Hibbert and Danny Bassett who may or may not have swapped the delights of playing in Canvey Island and returned to up market Mitcham to play his football. Next up a home game on the fantastic looking home pitch against Reading who played a mixture of youth team players and trialists. Toots winning the game 3-2 with another excellent performance against the Championship Club. The Terrors switched of a bit at the end allowing the visitors to score two late goals.

Saturday 20th July we had a visit from our old friends from down the A3, Corinthian Casuals, a friendly club that prove that not all teams that play in pink are bastards. An 12:30 kick off was a shame as the Casuals would probably brought a larger away following to the game. A hard fought game which seemed to be heading to be a 0-0 draw until two late goals for The Terrors gave us victory. Tooting Bec also played Sheerwater on the day allowing me and Bog End Ant to fit in two games in a day. Also on the same day Dulwich Hamlet played Tottenham over in the Sainsburys Car Park. People call Football the "Beautiful Game" but every now and again footballs ugly side shows it's face... And it doesn't get much uglier than that.

                                                         Dulwich Hamlet v Tottenham

Next to visit us and play up the rear pitches were Greenwich who gave us a good work out and we got a 2-1 victory. They seem to be having a bad time off the pitch since the last time we played each other during our Championship season which is a shame. Which as anyone can tell you with Football is that is doesn't take much for things to go tits up.
Hastings then arrived at Fortress Imperial for another PSF. I'm told they expected the game to be played on the main pitch and weren't to happy about being taken up the rear to play on the 3G pitch.
I missed most of the game due to trying my hardest to sort out the millions of programmes we are going to be selling from the new super doper club shop on match days during the forthcoming season.
Hastings well beaten 3-1 I'm told by Bogend Ant who shows not in the slightest bit of bias when discussing Terrors games.

Next up was a trip over to Gander Green Lane to see Sutton v Barnet play out a 1-1 draw. I used to go and watch Barnet when living "Up Norf" so have a bit of a soft spot for those Bee types. Also allowed me to spend some quality time with "Dirty Barry" and Sutton guitar hero @bornatotter for a night of serious debate. Next game for myself and Ant was the friendly against a strong Charlton Athletic under 23 team who were to beat us 2-0 it what was to be an entertaining close game which despite the result still gives us Terrors a lot to look forward to. Point of interest was that Ex Terror Abraham Odoh scored the Robins second goal from the penalty spot.  Last two games involved another trip to GGL this time to watch Sutton Common Rovers play Moist Molesley in the early stages of this seasons FA Cup. An interesting 1-1 draw made for a good Friday night entertainment. I do enjoy Friday night games and wish that Toots got the chance to play a few. Last up on my Pre Season was Ramsgate at Fortress Imperial for a pretty ordinary 1-1 draw with out visitors from Kent going 1-0 up before a last equaliser from Shamal Edwards.

Really looking forward now to the start of the season and to see how we have improved from last year. We were pretty much undone by the bad start which cost us any chance of making the play offs. I still maintain that we were our own worst enemies last season and that a good number of dropped points were due to our own mistakes rather than the opposition teams good play. We've lost a number of the squad from last season but with four of them joining League teams it proves that the plan the club has got going at Tooting and Mitcham is paying dividends. Lexus Beedon finally joining Reading and Saidou Khan joining Maidstone. The club is getting an excellent reputation for it's youth set up. This of course could be a double edged sword which means any good players will move on but it also gets the club known for having good players which will hopefully help put bums on seats.

                                  "They play in Pink and Blue, Their goalie smells of Poo"

Off the pitch we have lost long time supporters with Dave McCann and Martin Harvey and our deepest sympathies go out to their families. Very Sad.
In other news former Surrey FA boss Caroline McRoyall has joined TMUFC as the Clubs Chairperson and we all wish her the best of luck in her new position.
There are a lot of changes going on at Tooting and Mitcham and the clubs has changed for the better, more people helping out and getting involved behind the scenes and there is a really good vibe about the place now.

Fingers crossed Dear Reader....
Up The Stripes !!!!