Saturday, July 31, 2021

El Northernlineico

Back again for more in-depth Football punditry, character assassinations and possibly outright cyber bullying from Hackbridge Towers by the banks of the mighty Wandle. 

Well, It's all over now. It didn't come home and just like those husbands that tell their wives they are just popping out for a pint of milk and then run off with some floozie. It doesn't look as if it ever will. But there is always a chance.... Isn't there...... Not all bad news though. The squad allegedly turning down the chance to meet Boris and chums for an "All you can eat" beans on toast buffet at Downing Street after some of the comments that came out of Downing Street and now we won’t have to hear “Three Fucking Lions” every time you turn on the radio. this alone is worth losing the final for. I enjoyed the Euros but as normal, the press, politicians and a small element of support really give me the hump. Football is a great sport and it really does bring out the best in people and can unite so many, but it can also bring out the worse in some and there are some right idiots out there. 

 Well back to proper football now and first up a trip to Raynes Park and a walk down the A3 for a pre-season game against Colliers Wood United (El Northernlineico). Yet another quite entertaining game which ended up 2-2 after Toots went two nil down in the first half. Rather against the run of play I must add. We also missed yet another penalty and really has got we worried that we have a curse on us, either that or the footballing gods get a kick out of the collective sigh that comes from our ranks every time we miss. 
Supporters on the Bog End watch as yet another penalty goes over the bar and ends up in the garage forcourt on Bishopsford Road

Old Tooting Star Sol Patterson-Bonner now playing for Colliers Wood and you'll be pleased to know that he is still his old lovable self when it comes to dealing with match officials. Good to see him again and he had a chat with the many travelling Toots in attendance. 
Then we were back at Fortress Imperial for another game on the back pitch against Molesey, Toots wining 1-0 and what I was told another entertaining game. I missed most of this by getting shown the new shop which will be up and running this coming season. A big Hug to Nick, Peter, Graham and of course Sexy Phil for all their hard work to get the shop sorted out and the area cleaned up. We will move into the old Stewards hut at the end of the ground near the rear 3G pitches (The Hackbridge End). Got new stock scarves plus a load more other groovy items. All cash I’m afraid as I’m not to be trusted with any form of technology that allows access to other people’s bank accounts. 
Next up a game against our neighbours Carshalton on the main pitch. Missed most of it setting up the Shop. A team from Sky TV were there filming and interviewed a couple of people including me. They seemed to want me to build the game into a Celtic v Rangers type blood bath of violence, hatred and bitterness instead of a Pre-Season friendly against a club I don’t really mind at all. They also seemed to want me to slag off ex-players who now play for the Robins, which of course I didn’t do. My dealings with the press and media have been few and far between, but in truth have never gone that well. Got a feeling my stuff will end up on the cutting floor when and if it does go out. I hope so anyway…. But there again, a media whore like me needs the oxygen of publicity and with my good looks I’m sure various agents will come knocking on the door offering places on the next “Love Island” or “Celebrity SAS are you butch enough” where I can show Ant Middleton how it is possible to live on a diet of Greggs vegan sausage rolls while watching the telly dressed in combat gear. As for the game, it finished 0-0 and Toots didn’t miss any penalties.
 Tuesday night and yet another PSF on the back pitch, this time a game against another local team Balham (El Northernlineico V2). Our part of South London really has some good football teams and set ups, Balham being one of them. The visitors winning 4-3 in another good game... Toots looking good up front, but defensively looking pretty bad on the night. Another healthy crowd and another chance to chat and work out what people can do to help promote the club. There is a lot going on behind the scenes over at Toots if you can spare any time to help please do. Clubs at our level always need volunteers for all kinds of things. 
Now available in the new club shop, The new CP Company range.

Shout Out Time !!!!!!!!!! 

Talking about great people…. Go and visit: 
Those fantastic people over at St Matthews who have done so much to help so many children in the South London area. Show them some love. With the summer holidays starting they are helping organise football classes for all ages, also helping make sure that there is food and drink for these kids. I’ve spent time talking to a number of people connected with SMP and I can honestly say that they are some of the most caring people going and are making a huge difference to so many young lives. 
Also those cheeky chappies over at 

Far better blogs than the rubbish I come out with and another group of people who have helped so much in improving TMUFC’s social media. They also know about football so if you crave information about our players and playing systems, give them a visit as they know far more than me…. Great Interview with Andy Harrup, who is one of the nicest people you could ever meet plus a load of other goods bits in their archives. 

 Of course, a big thanks to Jimmy and all over at the Ramble Inn up near Amen Corner in Tooting for all their support over the last few years, home to the best Guinness in London and a load of Toots memorabilia up on the walls. 

 Well Dear Reader, that’s it for another couple of weeks, but looking back, another good thing to come from the Euros is that at least we know that thanks to the hard work done by teams of top scientists, medical professionals and the Health and Safety executive, that it is now safe to stick a lighted smoke bomb up your bottom. I think the older readers can all remember those dark days of footballing yesteryear when sticking any type of pyrotechnic up your bum after drinking Cider and doing a load of sniff was classed as very dangerous and could well ruin your rectum. How times have changed for the better. 

 Up The Terrors!!!!!!

Monday, July 12, 2021

Not coming home.....

Hurrah, Dear Reader. More words of wisdom from Hackbridge Towers as the pre-season friendlies start up again. We will also delve into the magical world of the Euros which I've quite enjoyed this year. Footballs coming home!!!!!!! 
Pre Season starts at Corinthian Casuals

 First up, a friendly on the back pitch was against our tenants Tooting Bec who I must say are really looking better and better and do seem as if they will have yet another good season. An entertaining 0-0 draw which possibly was a fair result as both teams missed good chances and both hit the woodwork on several occasions. I must admit that I spend most of my time at the Pre-season games chatting and gossiping so don't look to me for in-depth views on formations or new players or signing etc (As if you ever did). I just enjoyed the day in the sun. Good to see a few of the others at the game including Mad Ciaran who informed me that he is thinking of moving to Hackbridge and wanted to know the important things about the area like how much is an Uber to and from the Ramble Inn. If he does move to the area it may well put back any ideas of gentrification by around 15 years and have a significant effect on house prices meaning you will be able to pick up a 3 bed house with a garage for about 250 quid... I must add how smart he looked in his bright yellow Ukrainian football shirt which he proudly wore and which I'm sure will get him a bit of cash back from Ebay in a week or so.

 Talking of which.... Watched the England - Ukraine game in the bar after the Bec match... A good crowd in the bar singing and yelling their heads of as England defied the odds by 

A/ Playing well 
B/ Winning comfortably. 

When it comes to International football I often tell people I have enough Scots and Irish blood not to really care about England and enough English blood not to care about either the Scots or Irish, but I must admit my Anglo Saxon side was very happy after the game which may have had a lot to do with Gareth Southgate’s team selection and a very good England performance.... Or the large amount of Guinness I drank.... Either way a good night out. 

Toots second Pre-Season game was away to Three Bridges on the following Tuesday and ended up a 1-0 defeat on the same night Italy beat Spain to get to the Final on penalties. Of course, to mark the occasion, Toots missed a last-minute penalty and now this run of bad luck, or to be honest, badly taken penalties carries on which is a bit of a worry to us sensitive types on the Bog End. 

I was back to Fortress Imperial on the Wednesday Night to watch the England v Denmark game. Another great night surrounded by rather loud people. What can I say, England proving everyone wrong and getting through to the Final. Since taking on the teachings of Karl Marx and upsetting the Daily Mail the whole England set up has really done well now get ready for Italy in the Final on Sunday. Ant got in early and helped arranged a table so I've no doubt that Sunday night might involve Guinness and singing. 

But before that is the important matter of another Pre-Season game against Frank Wilson's Merstham side, again on the back 3G pitch. A good run out for the team and a 3-1 victory. Yet again I spent most of the match gossiping and chatting to whoever was unlucky enough to stand next to me. I'm looking forward to the start of the season as I think we have a good chance of doing well. Covid took away our chances of making the play offs over the last two seasons. Fingers crossed it will be different this year. 

Did you know England won the World Cup in 1966? Most people don't know this little-known fact as it never ever gets mentioned at all and with this in mind I set off to the bar at Fortress Imperial to watch Gareth’s Groovy Gang take on Italy in the Euro Final to watch Football coming home (Spoiler Alert). It didn't. A fantastic start from England which gave everyone the hope that England may do it was crushed in the 2nd half as Italy equalised and I think deep down we all knew the outcome. Yet another penalty shootout fuck up as Rashford hop, skipped, jumped, farted and passed the ball to the Italian goalie instead of just smashing the fucking thing was the start of the doom and gloom. I feel dreadfully sorry for the young lads who missed who then predictably suffered online abuse from the total bellends that seem to hide behind their phones and computers during England games. Lots of positives from England and it was great to see various communities getting behind the team and coaching staff but still heart breaking yet again to see the trouble afterwards and over the top drunken behaviour which is often the reason why so many other countries love it when England lose. Fucking embarrassing.... I’m feeling really quite down in the dumps as I write this, but at least, I haven’t woken up knowing there’s a photo of me with a smoke bomb sticking out of my bumhole and that I didn’t end up taking off my clothes on Wembley Way while off my face on various nasally ingested chemicals.
“Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country,” 

 Anyway, from the Banks of the Mighty Wandle there seems to be a lot of building work going on over at Sutton United's Gangrene Lane ground and the world famous "Shoe Box Terrace" has now been demolished which is a shame. As pointed out by Bog End Regular Mr Chops at least when the Shoe Box was in place all the weirdos used to be together in a small area and therefore easy to keep control of by the clever use of stewarding and cattle prods. Now they will be free to walk around and mix with normal supporters which I bet is one drawback their promotion into the Football League. Still all the work has allowed @bornatotter the chance to work around the ground in a High Vis jacket and a white hard hat / builders helmet looking like one of the Village People. 

Also, got to feel for Peter Crouch a once famous international footballer now so down on his luck he's forced to join the board at Dulwich Hamlet and make TV Documentaries about the club to try and earn enough cash to feed his growing family. With the Euros going on and the Country getting behind the Three Lions, it’s really sad to see an Ex England International footballer hit the depths of despair after the end of his career. I can only hope that things get better for him sooner rather than later and that one day he can hold his head up high again.

Another thing I did learn over the past couple of weeks is that having a photo taken with a crying child can get you a lot of money, if only I'd started doing that a couple of seasons ago with Ant, We would have so much cash behind us we could both be in the space race with Elon Musk or Richard Branson trying to reach Uranus first or be living on a luxury yacht off the coast of Canvey Island, instead I'm spending my days looking out the window and wondering if Mad Ciaran is going to move in next door

Up The Terrors !!!!!