Saturday, September 14, 2019

Reg Vardyians

Northwood...... Northwood...... The pain and anguish from our visit there last season is still etched into my feeble minded brain no matter how hard I try to stop thinking about it...... Northwood.... Northwood....
The Horror.... The Horror..... Winning 3-1 with a few minutes to go Toots managed to let in 3 goals and turn a comfortable win into a defeat of biblical proportions. But Dear Reader I'm over it now, I never ever think of that day.... Not once.

Now it's there turn to visit Fortress Imperial for our fourth game of the Victor Meldrew South Central campaign. It's also The TMUFC family fun day. So no stress, worry or blind panic as I set off to see if the Terrors could make it four wins in a row. Northwood almost putting a damper on the game by going ahead in the first half after having a goal disallowed earlier on. Toots seemed a bit out of sorts in the 1st half but came out in a far better mood for the second 45mins. An equaliser from Danny B set up a nervous finale as Toots pushed forward as Northwood looked to score from counter attacks. Well into injury time the fantastically talented Razzaq Coleman scored, sending Fortress Imperial into some pretty mental scenes as only last minute goals can do.
It was also the TMUFC family day and a good crowd of just under 300 turned out for the afternoon. Great to see Tooting MP Dr Rosena Allin-Khan at the game and hope to see her back again soon.
A big thanks to everyone who helped make the day a sucess. One of the really positive things this season is the amount of volunteers who help out on match days doing various jobs. This really does help improve the whole match day experience and means more things can be arranged and run behind the scenes  
Sunday and another trip to the Fortress to see Tooting Bec play Walton and Hersham play out a very entertaining game in the FA Vase. W&H winning 4-2. Tooting Bec our new tenants playing some good football but undone by a couple of great goals by the visitors. 

A reasonable crowd including supporters from Sutton United, TMUFC and a few ground hoppers
As I've said before Non League football is far far better than people seem to imagine. Two days, two games and still change out of a twenty pound note for admission and programmes for myself and Ant. Add a couple of quid for food and drinks still far less spent on watching mercenary premiership players going through the motions for a weekly wage that would cover the playing budgets of two or three Non League clubs for a year.

Another trip to Gangrene Lane for another Friday night FA Cup match for Sutton Common Rovers this time against Beaconsfield was next on my hectic lifestyle, an enjoyable game but it was not to be SCR night as they lost 3-1. I was hoping they would get through for the chance to play them at Suttons ground. It's about time we played there again.

      The Greggs Superstore on Sutton High Road.... The only reason to go to Sutton
                                                                   this season ?

Anyway sod them. The big game this weekend was the visit of AFC Varndeanians to Fortress Imperial for the FA Cup fixture. A couple of years ago the Footballing Gods seemed to have it in for the Mighty Toots, well the Terrors got a huge hand from them as just before we scored our first goal the Ref and Linesman missed a nailed on hand ball in the penalty area which the South Coast side were quite understandably pissed about. TMUFC pretty much scoring at the other end a couple of seconds later. Good job VAR was not in operation but it's about time we had some luck. Goals from Nathan Daly, David Castanho and Nebay Haile sealed the 3-1 win which takes us into the next round. A crowd of 260 at the game including a number of Varndeanians who brought more than most of the other teams in the Victor Meldrew South Central will do.

                                          Varndeanians on the starboard side Captain

Spent the second half with Lee from St. Matthews Project and what a top chap he is. St. Matthews links with Tooting and Mitcham are getting stronger and that can only be a good thing. Although we spent the whole of the 45mins moaning just like charectors from a bad episode of "Last Of The Summer Wine"
Please play them a visit and find out more about this fantastic group :

We have drawn Dorking Wanderers at home in the next round. A town famous for it's massive cock statue and little else. Saying that they are a team that have had a huge amount of sucess since we just beat them to the title in Franks second year so maybe I'm just jealous of sucess on the pitch and large cocks in general. Winable but it will be tough. Probably at good job it's at home. I'm sure they will bring a few over to add to the crowd, hope so anyway.

Massive Big Cock

Missed two events during the week. A league cup fixture at South Park and a 2-1 victory in the group stages. Why the league has thought this to be a good idea is totaly beyond me but "Hey Ho" a win is a win. Also missed the meet the manager get together at the ground die to work which was a shame and something I was hoping to attend. I work in a government office in Westminster as as you may have noticed there has been a lot going on there over the last few days, keeping your truely stuck at work sorting out various problems caused by the loons running the country.

Missed the 1-1 draw away to Harlow which means we have gone 8 games unbeaten so far this season. Fantastic stuff from the Terrors which has lead to much happiness and laughter in Hackbridge Towers over the last couple of months.
Talking of laughter the club will be holding a comedy night this coming Friday 20th Sept. So head over to Fortress Imperial for a night of chuckles and smiles which is not rhyming slang for piles. I'll be signing autographs and showing off my Twerking skills so be there early.

Up The Stripes !!!!!!

Tuesday, August 27, 2019


The magic of the FA Cup. A competition which has given me so many happy moments over the years, not with Toots obviously as my main FA Cup moment with TMUFC was seeing Bog End Ant get strung by a wasp at Leatherhead while we lost the game heavily. But I can dream of cup glory every season. On the way to Hertford while driving along the North Circular myself and Ant spotted in the distance the Wembley Arch from the middle lane on the Hangar Lane Gyratory System, rising high on the North London skyline like a giant toilet seat slowly closing on some kind of megalithic porcelain pan. Could this be our year. The Final against Manchester City on a hot day in May in front of a world wide television audience of millions...
                         The horrible type of online cyber bullying that I have to put up with.

Started off the FA Cup weekend with a trip to Gangrene Lane to watch Sutton Common Rovers game against Eastbourne Town for another Friday night footie fest. Meet up with those Pier Pressure chaps who kindly made up some limited edition stickers for myself and the cyber troll bastard face Bornatotter. A good set of chaps who are well worth following on Twitter etc. @TownUltras
Fame at last Dear Reader. I'm known in Eastbourne !!!!!!! and I'm still under 60

Fame at last

SCR winning the game the game 3-0. A good night out and an entertaining game from a neutral perspective. There are some good up and coming local clubs below us on the footballing pyramid.
Next on Saturday, it was time for the all conquering Terrors to start on the long long trip up to Wembley Way with a game against Kent Side Faversham Town. A comfortable 1-0 win in which their goalie made some fine saves although a good defensive preformance from Tooting made sure that there would be no trips to darkest Kent for a mid week replay. This also ensures my dream of being interviewed by the BBC match of the Day team on the day of the final without swearing, stuttering or soiling myself in front of Ian Wright could still come true. Again better finishing could have and should have killed the game off sooner, but a win is a win and our FA Cup journey continues. Of course I missed the only goal doing the Club Shop table thingy. We are hoping to end up in the old stewards room over at the far end of the ground once the turnstiles move. Until then look out for me shouting and yelling by the side of a scarf covered table.
No need to worry about missing the goal as Toots number one Vlogger Bog End Ant got it covered.
Some more good stuff going online from those South London Is Black and White chaps going up on their blog. Please give the a follow and check out their stuff.
"Another brilliantly written article by Warren" Father explained to the family
"Yes Father, Besty is very clever as well" said oldest daughter Elizabeth.
"But like Duncan's work the best" added Philip
"Better than that fucking bollocks Harry does" laughed Mother.
Next up was a trip down to visit the team who have become are biggest rivals according to the Victor Meldrew review of the season twitter and web site......... Chipstead..... Yes, those bastards
Bank Holidays often fall on various religious and pagan festivals so the locals may well have started the day by stripping down to their underpants and chasing a lard covered pig around the town square before watching the town elder throw a donkey off the church roof before heading over for the visit of The Mighty Terrors. One of Chipsteads staff mentioned that Tooting bring a good away support, most of whom seem a bit nutty... What could he possibly mean....
                                                         Local Team for Local People
Yet again The Terrors away following seeming to make up a large percentage of the Bank Holiday crowd. I bet a few of locals had wished they'd stayed at home and washed the lard off as Toots took the lead after a defensive mistake by Chipstead let Danny Bassett score an easy tap in. Being the true sportsmen we are we let them get back into the game after letting them score a free header from a free-kick. Toots scored the winning goal when another free-kick from Daryl Coleman twisted into the back off the net sending the travelling Toots into raptures.
Games against Chippy Town often get a bit spicey and Omari Hibbert got shown a harsh red card later on in the game after he was fouled, the Chipstead player only getting a yellow. A very hot afternoon which must of been hard to play in. Glad the ground has plenty of cover and shade for the snowflake fans like me. So another victory which leaves us second on goal difference. Yes still early days but things are looking good. 
I'm happy, Ant is happy and Mrs H is happy because we are happy. What a great way to spend a Bank Holiday Weekend. Come and join us on the Bog End, this could very well be the start of something special....
Just seen the draw for the next round of the FA Cup where we play AFC Vardenians who come from Brighton despite sounding like Dr Who villains from the 7th moon of Uranus.
                           "We've drawn Tooting and Mitcham in the next round, Make sure you
                                             iron my best Stone Island jumper you mug"
Wemmmmberleeeey !!!!!! 
Up The Stripes !!!

Thursday, August 22, 2019

Here We Go

Right Dear Reader.... The friendlies are done and dusted and the real stuff begins. The summer holidays are nearly over and I'm ready for action. Beach Body Ready !!!!
                           Hackbridge Harry.... Beach body ready on the banks of the Wandle
Quite a few around in the Victor Meldrew South Central are tipping us to do well and the sense of self belief around Fortress Imperial amongst  the Black and White hoards is very positive.... So what could possibly go wrong.
First up was one of out furthest trips "Up Norf" to the land of the Wildlings, White Walkers, Whippets and coal mines....Hertford. Plenty of travelling Toots making the journey up the A1 to bolster the 160 crowd. One managing to tear his shorts outside the Wetherspoons in the town and then had to make a quick shopping trip around town to buy more clothing to cover his dignity.... Also found out that a couple of our fans made to trip to Harlow instead of Hertford. Both sober by the way who then had to get a cab over to the correct ground and match. I won't mention their names as I don't want to cause any embracement to Phil and Duncan Nightingale. Or Mitch the trouser ripper. Special mention to Besty and his choice of head gear. The man has a eye for fashion that many can never match in the world of male grooming and design.
Land of the Wildlings, White Walkers, Whippets
Hertford's pitch was dreadful and I was told that a number of issues behind the scenes there has lead to a number of problems there including the upkeep of the pitch. A shame as I've enjoyed games against them. This pretty much stopped our normal quick passing game and certainly had an bearing on the rest of the match. Toots scoring an 85 minute goal to take the three points which we deserved after a couple of great saves from the Hertford goalie and a few quite stunning misses. Good to see Omari Hibbert score and yet again DMG had another fantastic game. So a long drive back to Hackbridge Towers with massive grins on our faces for me and Ant.
Next up were Ashford Town at Fortress Imperial for our second league game of the season. 250 turning out on a lovely summer night to watch the Terrors win 3-1 in a game which they pretty much dominated with an excellent performance over the visitors. Toots had to play in their plum away strip due to problems getting the Victor Meldrew logos etc on the normal black and white kit. Not sure one bit about betting  companies getting involved with sponsership side of football and the possible influence they can have on games but that's a topic for people more knowledgable people than me..Hady scoring the first after six minutes with David Castanho getting the 2nd after Ashford had equalised with a brilliant diving header. Danny B settling any lingering nerves with the third.
Great to see the team carrying on the fast flowing football shown during the pre season and which hopefully will keep us in the hunt for the play offs. Although we still have a long way to go and as anyone who has supported TMUFC over the years will tell you we can never take things for granted, but this feels good.
THE HORROR....... THE HORROR.........
More new faces showing up at games and the social media side of things is getting better and better at Toots. Not my stuff obviously... God forbid I start coming across as normal and rational on here or on twitter. Please follow @hackbridgeharry for all the Dulwich and Sutton trolling you could ever want.
If you need a little more of a sensible view on Tooting and Mitcham, please pay a visit to those cheeky chaps at South London Is Black and White a visit
And of course the perfect antidote to Sky and the BBC..... Bog End Ant and his Youtube Vlog
Always worth a visit
One of the main things that stops people coming to watch Non League Football is the idea that some have is that it is no better than pub football or watching a kick about in a local park. There is some great football to be watched all around the country and at a faction of the price of watching VAR slowly kick all the fun out of scoring goals in the so called elite leagues. The joy of seeing the ball hit the back of the net and the fans celebrations all taken away by technology and so the media pundits can spend hours discussing incidents again and again to see and work out if Harry Kane nose was offside or a Burnley player had one of this six toes parallel  with the linesman flag. Football is such an exciting but simple game why ruin it and take away the best part of the whole experience. VAR could however be the best thing for Non League over the country as people get to see how it will kill the game. Plus the fact that you will have paid so much money for a match ticket to have a robot tell you when to cheer or not. We never did really work out how the Cylon Robots became so powerful in Battlestar Galactica or how the Cybermen built their space and time empire in Dr Who but mark my words, I often check my crystal ball and  VAR could just be the start of mankinds demise.  
Well will the mighty Toots rise like a majestic firey Phoenix into the top reaches of the Victor Meldrew South Central division or end up like a one legged pigeon eating cold kebab meat off a South London pavement, only time will tell. But join us on the Bog End to find out Dear Reader.... You are missing out on some good football if you choose to stay at home and watch Sky and the BBC kill the game we all love....

Up The Stripes !!!!!

Saturday, August 10, 2019

Pre Season Pre Nerves

Well here we are Dear Reader, Hope you had a lovely break away from my tales of doom, gloom, happiness and joy. So it's the start of the new 2019 / 20 season and we get ready for the start of the Victor Meldrew South Central League.

We'd all been waiting a while for the return to Fortress Imperial and the start of the Pre Season friendlies and the team has looked really good in the first few games. Much as I love Mrs H and I'm sure she loves me, spending too much time in each others company while going around the Asda Beddington Lane on a Saturday has meant she has looked forward to the start of the season more than I have plus she gets to be free of Bog End Ant for a few hours. So it was to be a pretty busy Pre Season programme for me and Ant...

Mrs H looking forward to the start of the 2019-20 season as she gets to get rid of Hackbridge Harry and Bog End Ant on Saturdays

A number of players from last seasons squad had left as Frank Wilson took the reins over at Mertsham and took a number of our players with him after Hayden Bird had joined Kingstonian . I wish him and the departing players all the best over there. I hope the footballing Gods treat him better than they did in his last year at Toots. In truth losing a number of senior players caused a lot of worry on the various social media sites but the club have brought in some new faces and a returning hero Dean Hamlin to bolster the ranks. A number of youth players from last seasons Under 23 Champions have also been brought into the first team squad. Things are looking good and there was a full programme of pre season fixtures booked to help get the Terrors up and running for the new season.

To start with a two nil victory over Moist Molesley and then another two nil win over our next door neighbours Tooting Bec set things off nicely for our short trip over to Carshalton on July 13th, Toots turning out an impressive three nil win against the Robins who had a fantastic last season and have start pulling in some impressive crowds. They played a mixture from their squad which I'm told contained only a few first team players but even so the second half was great to watch from a Terrors or Neutral perspective. Goals from Filipe, Hibbert and Danny Bassett who may or may not have swapped the delights of playing in Canvey Island and returned to up market Mitcham to play his football. Next up a home game on the fantastic looking home pitch against Reading who played a mixture of youth team players and trialists. Toots winning the game 3-2 with another excellent performance against the Championship Club. The Terrors switched of a bit at the end allowing the visitors to score two late goals.

Saturday 20th July we had a visit from our old friends from down the A3, Corinthian Casuals, a friendly club that prove that not all teams that play in pink are bastards. An 12:30 kick off was a shame as the Casuals would probably brought a larger away following to the game. A hard fought game which seemed to be heading to be a 0-0 draw until two late goals for The Terrors gave us victory. Tooting Bec also played Sheerwater on the day allowing me and Bog End Ant to fit in two games in a day. Also on the same day Dulwich Hamlet played Tottenham over in the Sainsburys Car Park. People call Football the "Beautiful Game" but every now and again footballs ugly side shows it's face... And it doesn't get much uglier than that.

                                                         Dulwich Hamlet v Tottenham

Next to visit us and play up the rear pitches were Greenwich who gave us a good work out and we got a 2-1 victory. They seem to be having a bad time off the pitch since the last time we played each other during our Championship season which is a shame. Which as anyone can tell you with Football is that is doesn't take much for things to go tits up.
Hastings then arrived at Fortress Imperial for another PSF. I'm told they expected the game to be played on the main pitch and weren't to happy about being taken up the rear to play on the 3G pitch.
I missed most of the game due to trying my hardest to sort out the millions of programmes we are going to be selling from the new super doper club shop on match days during the forthcoming season.
Hastings well beaten 3-1 I'm told by Bogend Ant who shows not in the slightest bit of bias when discussing Terrors games.

Next up was a trip over to Gander Green Lane to see Sutton v Barnet play out a 1-1 draw. I used to go and watch Barnet when living "Up Norf" so have a bit of a soft spot for those Bee types. Also allowed me to spend some quality time with "Dirty Barry" and Sutton guitar hero @bornatotter for a night of serious debate. Next game for myself and Ant was the friendly against a strong Charlton Athletic under 23 team who were to beat us 2-0 it what was to be an entertaining close game which despite the result still gives us Terrors a lot to look forward to. Point of interest was that Ex Terror Abraham Odoh scored the Robins second goal from the penalty spot.  Last two games involved another trip to GGL this time to watch Sutton Common Rovers play Moist Molesley in the early stages of this seasons FA Cup. An interesting 1-1 draw made for a good Friday night entertainment. I do enjoy Friday night games and wish that Toots got the chance to play a few. Last up on my Pre Season was Ramsgate at Fortress Imperial for a pretty ordinary 1-1 draw with out visitors from Kent going 1-0 up before a last equaliser from Shamal Edwards.

Really looking forward now to the start of the season and to see how we have improved from last year. We were pretty much undone by the bad start which cost us any chance of making the play offs. I still maintain that we were our own worst enemies last season and that a good number of dropped points were due to our own mistakes rather than the opposition teams good play. We've lost a number of the squad from last season but with four of them joining League teams it proves that the plan the club has got going at Tooting and Mitcham is paying dividends. Lexus Beedon finally joining Reading and Saidou Khan joining Maidstone. The club is getting an excellent reputation for it's youth set up. This of course could be a double edged sword which means any good players will move on but it also gets the club known for having good players which will hopefully help put bums on seats.

                                  "They play in Pink and Blue, Their goalie smells of Poo"

Off the pitch we have lost long time supporters with Dave McCann and Martin Harvey and our deepest sympathies go out to their families. Very Sad.
In other news former Surrey FA boss Caroline McRoyall has joined TMUFC as the Clubs Chairperson and we all wish her the best of luck in her new position.
There are a lot of changes going on at Tooting and Mitcham and the clubs has changed for the better, more people helping out and getting involved behind the scenes and there is a really good vibe about the place now.

Fingers crossed Dear Reader....
Up The Stripes !!!!

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

El Tootsico and The Plod

Well this is the last blog of 2018-19, so thanks to everyone who's bothered to read this and any other of my rubbish over the last few months.  As per usual there is happiness, pain, tears and joy as we come to the end of yet another eventfull season at Fortress Imperial by the Banks of the mighty Wandle. It's never boring being a Terror.... It might not be fun all the time but it's always interesting.

Three years to the day that the mighty Toots lifted the London Senior Cup after beating Hendon. Tooting and Mitcham were crowned the first ever winners of the Tooting Cup after an entertaining game against our new lodgers Tooting Bec FC. In the first game between the two clubs, the Terrors ran out 4-2 winners. A good work out before the Surrey Cup Final and hopefully the start of a good healthy rivalry. The Bec have grown from strength to strength and are a team and set up worth keeping an eye on. But dear reader it was to end in tears.
The Surrey Senior Cup Final ended as a two nil defeat to Met Police in a game we never really got going in. The last time we played them was the "must win" game at the end of the 2017-18 season which we needed to win to stand any chance of staying up and we went 1-0 down after 43 seconds. At least we showed an improvement as we keep it goaless for the first minute. A couple of defensive balls ups gave Plod two goals in the first half and in truth if we were still playing now we'd still not have scored. Seen a video of the first goal on Twitter taken from behind the goal and it is almost (almost) funny, a long range shot which bounced over the keeper as he dived down to collect the shot. Both of the goals seemed to knock the stuffing out of everyone and personally I knew the writting was on the wall at half time. Lots of vocal and a few really pissed travelling Terrors made the short trip down the A24 to Dorkings new stadium and the home to Surrey FA sang their hearts out for 90 minutes but it was not to be our night.
Plod had played a number of their youth players due to them playing in their divisional play offs the day before. But remember how many of our players are under 23 if you are reading this from a non Toots perspective. They defended well and shut us down effectively. Met Police have always had a good set up and youth system, Their under 18's also reached a final and I think too many of the travelling Toots under estimated Plod thinking that the game was already in the bag.  Can't really complain about the outcome. I will however complain about the Surrey FA and the rubbish programme for the match which must have been knocked up by one of the local inbred morris dancers who inhabit Dorking with more mistakes in it than our defence from the 2017 -18 season. I've been told by several people that the Surrey FA hate TMUFC even more than Mishi does so they must have been absolutely  delighted with the result.... Just as Mishi was. Plods goalie was rather happy as well, I supose being accussed of being a freemason who likes truncheons up his bum touched a nerve. Really hope Met Police win their play off final against Tonbridge Angels and get promoted so we never have to worry about playing them again or their huge travelling support which seemed to be made up of their playing squad and five or so Daily Mail readers ever again.

Cheers to our players and staff who came up to thank the fans after the game. It was good to say a proper good bye to Isiah and wish him all the best. What a great player.
Down but not out
The under 23s won their Champions Play Off Final against Bowers & Pitsea 5-2 which really is the perfect way to end this season after winning the league in such style. I'm sure we'll see a lot more from them shortly.
To end up in a cup final and just outside the play off places with a successful youth set up must be seen as major positive to build on for next year after the relegation of last season and how low moral was over at Toots. Things have really changed and a lot of people deserve a big pat on the back for the hard work and belief they have shown in this great club.
                                                            Elvis has left the building
A Liverpool v Tottenham Champions League final will have a big impact on a number of our regulars. Expect a punch up between Mrs H and Dave Irons at some point soon.

Got one more game planned for this year with the Non League trophy thingy at Wembley, but after that it's trips to Sainsburys and Asda on Saturdays. I know a lot of you are into Cricket but I've never been a fan of watching men tampering with their balls. I'll be crawling up the walls soon waiting for the pre season to start. 

Cheers to everyone who's read any of these blogs and cheers to all that follow me on Twitter x
Up The Stripes !!!!!

Monday, April 29, 2019

Cheeky Cheeky....

Hi Groovy Gang.... More words of wisdom from Hackbridge Towers on the glorious Toots.
So the last game of the 2018-19 season was a home fixture against FC Romania, a team formed a few years ago from Romanians living and working in London. They started right at the bottom and have successfully made their way up the footballing ladder. I missed the game at their place but those who went said what a friendly club they were and I'm glad they avoided relegation which at the start of the season might have seemed possible. Stories like this are great and just show that although we have lost some great and famous clubs over the years that there are always new ones to take their place.

Romania has also given us Count Dracula and the Cheeky Girls so I sent off to Fortress Imperial after locking up the local virgins in Hackbridge hoping for an exciting afternoon of neck biting, bat transformation and bottom molesting but alas my neck remained bite free and no one fondled my buttocks in our 2-1 victory. A game which only really came to life in the last 15mins.

Gabriela and Monica waiting for the Tram at Wimbledon Station before heading  to Tooting and Mitcham ready for an afternoon of bottom touching.

At the end of the game myself and Dave Irons presented the Supporters club trophies in the club bar. Antonio Simeone was voted player of the season... Well deserved in my opinion and it's been great to have him back this year. Dominic Morgan Griffiths came 2nd with Isaiah Jones coming in 3rd. Plenty of votes were cast and pretty much every player got voted for which shows how well the whole team has played well this season. Ajani Domingo-Carrington won goal of the season for his goal against Chalfont. Isaiah's goal at the away game at Marlow also received a number of votes.

Vote for the best game was the 4-3 victory at Egham and worse was Northwood away. A big thanks to everyone who voted and a really big thanks to Dave Irons and Charlie Till for getting the trophies and doing the count up of the votes cast.

Cheers to Kevin Cummins for the photo of myself and Dave Irons presenting Antonio with the   Supporters Player of The Season Award.

So after the 2-1 victory, we finished in 6th place, just outside the play offs. A position I would have given my right hand for after the first 45 mins at Egham Town away back in October last year. We had lost all but one of our league games, a couple in quite spectacular style and were 3-1 down and the travelling Terrors were about the most angry I've ever seen. Which Dear reader if you know anything about TMUFC is quite a statement to make.... The second half is seen by many as the time when things turned around. Three second half goals saw us snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. We had had some good cup results in the various trophies Toots enter every season so there was a sense that things would/ could change after the final whistle.... And they did. This started a good run for the Terrors which put us into the top ten in the table which we stayed in for the rest of the season. Apart from the defeat at Westfield away I can't think of any other games in which we really didn't put a shift in. I've enjoyed this league campaign and their is defiantly a good sense of optimism around the place now.  The management and coaching team deserve a lot of credit for what they have achieved and the football style we play. Well done....

I know there have been a number of moans and groans about playing in the South Central but I believe we have a better chance of making the play offs or going up from this league than being moved across to the South East league where some better known clubs await. Admittedly we have no geographical or historical rivals in this division but our home crowds have been better attended by our own fans this season than last. I was worried that we would be playing home games in front of crowds around the 100 mark after last seasons relegation but I've been proved wrong. Again though not many clubs brought an away following to Fortress Imperial, those that did are looking at promotion anyway.

As for our friends and local rivals, I'm very pleased to see Corinthian Casuals hold there own in the premiership, Carshalton at the time of writing are in the play offs against Merstham which could lead to back to back promotions for the Robins. Dulwich are happy back in their car park and although they nearly got dragged into the relegation battle they stayed just outside and continue to get huge crowds over at Champion Hill. Sutton's season although not as good as last year they still managed to be a major pain in the arse to a number of so called bigger clubs and their fans.  I should be green with envy and although I wish we were in a higher division I've seen enough change at Toots to feel very optimistic for the 2019-20 season. Behind the scenes more people have been getting on board and helping out around the place and there is a better feeling about the club and how things are going. Just remember how things were at the end of last season and how many of us wondered how we could cope in the future. We  have new noisy neighbours for next season with Tooting Bec playing their fixtures at Fortress Imperial in what we all hope with prove to be a successful partnership moving forward. We play each other in a friendly fixture this coming Saturday 4th at home. Kick of at 3pm... Come on Tooting !!!!!

After this on Tuesday 7th May we all head of to Dorking to see the Surrey Senior Cup Final with Met Police. They are in the play offs in their division and will be a hard team to beat. But on our day we can out play anyone and with what I should imagine will be a loud vocal following of Travelling Terrors anything can happen. We have always had good away support and this game will be no different.....

Met Police hooligan firm "The Rozzers" packing the terraces of Imber Court before starting yet another disgusting afternoon of football violence and thuggery.

A big thanks to all the people who follow in on twitter has I've now got over 600 followers, most of which may well be Russian Sex Bots but I'm still chuffed that anyone
A/ Reads my rubbish.
B/ Reads more of my rubbish on Twitter.

So a big hug and cuddle from me xxx

Up The Stripes !!!

Monday, April 22, 2019

Disco Dancing Easter Bunnies

As we now head to the end of the season it's time for yet another view of the black and white world from my throne in Hackbridge Towers. You will all be pleased to know that Tim Magone finally purchased a bloody fridge magnet so my constant abuse, online trolling and verbal assaults have worked. If you don't want to suffer the pain and humiliation Tim went through... Buy a fridge magnet or pen from my high end shopping emporium. You've been warned.

"If you want my body and you think I'm sexy"

Right then, I now find myself with rather a large problem. Those chaps at the blog site southlondonisblackandwhite  are putting out really good stuff full of insightful football wisdom and well written content about Tooting and Mitcham far removed from the rabbling shite that I come out with, I will now have to up my game. Warren and Besty have been great additions to the Bog End Ranks and are looking for further contributors  When I say "Up my game" it means I probably won't so Dear Reader expect more of the same rubbish from me moving forward. I'm too old to change.
Please check out their blog by clicking on the link below.

And while I'm on the subject of young sods stealing my online thunder please check out the fruit of my loins Bog End Ants You Tube channel for his view of the black and white world, always worth checking out. Please subscribe to keep up with the latest Vlogs and please remember that the more successful the channel is, the more chance is that he will be able to buy me and Mrs H a six bedroomed home somewhere glamorous like Canvey Island

Bog End Ant

The "Race" night over at Fortress Imperial which was well attended and hopefully will be the start of many events held by the members club. Over £1600 was raised and the night was a great success. I continued my normal luck with picking winners by losing in every race while those around my counted their winnings with big grins and laughter. Events like this can help a lot with getting more funds to help the playing budget so please come along to any future events. I'm still waiting for the go ahead for my "Bog End Mud Wrestling and Mixed Martial Arts Custard Pie Fight" evening to get the ok.  
Saturday the 13th April saw another away day victory and another 3 points in the bag when the Terrors headed West to Ashford Town which will live long in the memory not for the game but for one of the most surreal pitch invasions I've ever seen and watching Tooting and Mitcham you do tend to see a few. After the first goal one of the travelling Terrors jumped on the pitch and did a little disco dance very similar the ones on show on Westminster Bridge by the climate protesters to impress the Ashford goalie and make him feel better about letting the goal in. This was either the first act of Extiction Rebellion the climate protest group or a result of too much alcohol by one of our regular pitch encroachers. This of course gave the travelling Bog End to relive the golden days of 1970s disco by spending the rest of the game strutting their funky stuff in a boogie wonderland (Ashford). It's never dull watching Tooting and you never really know what will happen when you walk through the turnstiles at a Toots game. We certainly have some characters at TMUFC.
The following Monday night was the under 23s game against Sittingbourne and the chance for them to finally get there hands on the championship trophy at long last. In what turned out to be a rather comfortable 6-1 victory the team claimed the top spot. I've watched the Under 23s a few times this season and been really impressed. The set up at TMUFC is really working well and the style of football played by all the teams is worth checking out. If you get the chance in the future try and get to some of the youth games and support them.

Easter Saturday was the TMUFC family day game against Chalfont St Peter. A crowd of 378 turned up on the free admission day for what would be a pretty good match on a very hot day. Chalfont's goalie making some good saves in a 1-1 draw which was a fair result in the end. The result however did put an end to any play off chances we may of had. A couple of good things apart from the new faces at the game was that I was able to entertain the crowd with my singing using a mobile PA unit supplied by Phil Nightingale who says I can use it at further home games which I'm sure everyone will look forward to. Saturday also marked the return of "Terror The Tiger" the club mascot and the chance for Phil to work of a few pounds in the hot sun while wearing the big furry suit. I'm told that there are various adult fetish groups and sites for people to dress up in animal gear and act in ways that would outrage the likes of Cliff Richard or Jacob Rees Moog so there may be yet another way for the club to make more money, I'm sure Phil won't mind.

Easter Monday saw the short away trip to South Park for what was our last away game of the 2018-19 season exactly two years to the days that we were crowned champions at Dorking (What ever happened to them ?). Another large group of travelling terrors headed down the A217 to watch a good defensive performance from "The Park" who had gone one nil up in the sixth minute. Toots got one back in the second half when Hady finally breached the solid South Park defensive wall. For the rest of the game yet another good goalkeeper kept us at bay in what was in truth a below average game for TMUFC. South Park are still in a relegation battle but the point they took from this 1-1 draw may well keep them up. A bit of controversy right at the end when Toots had a goal disallowed for offside but maybe if we're honest SP deserved something out of the game.

So FC Romania are our last opponents for this season when we play them next Saturday at Fortress Imperial.
See You There...

Now Available In the Club Shop 

Up The Stripes !!!

Saturday, April 6, 2019


Greetings Readers….. More tales from the Wandle Riverbank via the plush surroundings of Hackbridge Towers. In what may turn out to be the highlight of my footballing season Tory MP with either the worst ever  hair cut or worst ever syrup in the history of British Politics Michael Fabricant has outed himself as a Dulwich Hamlet supporter, which has proved to me two things, one, that there is a God and two that the Almighty doesn't like Dulwich that much either.....

 The meet the manager night up at the Ramble Inn went well with what I thought would just be an hour or so ending up being a good few hours in the company of fellow Terrors and of course Ash, who I promise you is a great bloke who really cares about everything connected with Tooting and Mitcham. Also, good to spend a bit of time with both Nick from Predator Pest Solutions and of course Jimmy from the Ramble, two people who have done a lot behind the scenes with sponsorship and support over the last couple of seasons. There are a lot of positive things going on both on and off the pitch. Please get involved in any way shape or form if you can spare a bit of time.

Look out for blogs from both Warren and Adam “Besty” who have started up the blog “South London Is Black and White”. Both relative new comers to Fortress Imperial but both very committed to the Terrors with a new way of looking at all things Black and White. Expect well thought out pieces of work rather than the childish and depressing stuff that I knock out when I can or the total lunacy of Sir Tim Magone’s work, who by the way still has not bought a fridge magnet from my upmarket super stall. Tight Bastard….

Please pay them a visit and contact them if you want to contribute any Terrors related articles.
Please click on the link below

Well worth supporting and checking out, good to see the social media outlets growing with more TMUFC related sites and blogs. Both Adam and Warren are top blokes... buy them tea and beer and make them famous.

A big thanks to everyone who has bought stuff from the stall over the last few weeks it has allowed us in the supporter’s club to help out with player sponsorship and to help a bit with the race night which is taking place on Friday 12th April… Every little helps and so if it’s only buying a pen it all adds up and helps around the club.

There is also going to be a fans forum at the ground this Wednesday 10th starting at 7pm so a chance to hear from various groups and people what is planned for the future. Please come along if you get the chance.

Well now to events on the pitch. I ended up missing the Uxbridge away game which of course meant I missed the 1-0 victory. Not missed too many away games this year but I do enjoy our travels. Plus the fact, our away form has been good this year and in truth if our home form had in parts matched it, the play offs could have been easily in our grasp. But as I said at the start of season I’d be happy for a middle table finish and at the time of writing it looks as if we will finish just outside the play off places.
Monday Night 1st April was the chance to see the Under 23s who needed to beat Ramsgate to be crowned champions. A few die hards turned out for what would be a frustrating night for The Terrors as they missed a few sitters at the end as the game ended 0-0. Toots just need one more point to win the league, shame it didn't happen at Fortress Imperial. The under 23s have been really impressive this season and things are looking very positive for the future. Plenty of scouts from various league clubs turning up to see our crop of youngsters which just proves how right things are turning out at Tooting. Just to renforce things, one of my favorite players Isiah Jones has signed for Middlesboro and I wish him all the best.
Tuesday meant that loads of Terrors made the short journey down to Banstead for the Surrey Senior Cup semi final and the last real chance of claiming any silverware this season. After a few days of sun the weather looked pretty bleak for the trip though the urban hell hole of Sutton, home of the new Greggs superstore and restaurant. On what was to be a freezing night in March the Terrors over came Banstead Athletic in a rather dull game in which both teams were worried about losing. A second half penalty was enough to send us through to the Final which will take place at Dorking's new ground on Tuesday May 7th.
Should be loads of Terrors there so if you only get to one more game this season, make it this one. The only bad point for me was when I was verbaly assaulted  by The Shoe Box Sex God Bornatotter who shouted "Scum" at me as I quietly sat in the bar talking to chums. Bullying is wrong weather phyiscal or mental. It really shows what a great big fat poo pants the banjo playing lefty knob jockey really is.

Well Saturday meant a visit from the "Moists" from Molesey whos ground has matched Leatherheads in biblical tales of flooding and damp patches this season which takes some doing.

Toots running out 2-0 winners with two great goals from Tope Fadahunsi and yet another from Danny Bassett.
Should have and could have scored more but still a good game with other results still keeping us in with a chance of the play offs.
Spend the game with Lee from the St Matthews Project which was a good chance for two elderly gentleman to have a good moan and put the world to rights.
Another link below to click on to see what brilliant work they are doing in helping youngsters get involved in football and away from other distractions.

Please click on the link below for Bog End Ant's take on the Molesey game.

Bog End Ant

Please add and subscribe to his channel which is getting better and better. Can't be long before BT Sports come knocking on the door to offer him a job as a pundit.

Well my Ancestry DNA results came back which along with the standard and expected split between Ireland, Scotland, England and Wales threw in the fact I am 1% Swedish, which has helped explain a few things. I had always fancied the blonde one out of Abba when I was younger….. That big fat bum and hips really did it for me all those years ago and of course his sexy little beard.


Up the Stripes !!!!

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Toots and Chunts

Well after what seems to have taken longer than Brexit to sort out Tooting and Mitcham managed to get the away fixture against Molesey played and they took the 3 points back to Fortress Imperial after going 3-0 up by half time and then letting two goals in during the second half just to bring the travelling Terrors back to earth with a jolt. I was not able to make the game so sat at home with Bog End Ant following the game online which proved to be a rather stressful 90 or so minutes, we both agreed to turn our phones of when Molesey got their second. Wedgie got sent off as well which makes it at least 43 red cards this season. It's not easy being a Terror on match days. TMUFC are one of those teams that even if they were 5-0 up in the 87th minute you still say to the bloke next to you "This could still go either way". I believe that we are now safe from relegation this season which means I now longer awake drenched in sweat and urine after another nightmare which sees us end up in a league playing various clubs named after Northern Line stations.
 Daryl Coleman now starts a 100 game ban after his "incident" at Bracknell which is a shame. Good to see him sign off on his break with a goal... Talking of which, the Terrors got a fair bit of exposure on Twitter after the Bracknell game, They say all publicity is good publicity so with that in mind Antonio Simeone OG  and the subsequent Twitter trolling I got when the clip of the goal made the rounds of various Non League sites was a good thing....ish
Antonio has been a rock since coming back this season.... And with that in mind I took the Twitter abuse on the chin and have spent the last few days praying to every god, idol and religious figure I could think of for Dulwich to balls up and someone to have it on film... I will get my revenge. There is still a chance they will get relegated. They lost to Oxford City so my animal sacrifices on Mitcham Common seem to be working, so fingers crossed. Now the squatters are firmly back in their Sainsbury's car park the love in is slowly reverting back to normal service and the hatred and banter is returning now that Mishi is thankfully getting back to full fitness. Not that Bog End Ant ever stopped.
Well it was Cheshunt's turn to play at the Fortress. I turned up at the ground to watch the Sutton United game in the bar and a chance to see the Shoe Box Love God Bornatotter and his sidekick "Dirty Barry" on the large screen. A very homoerotic sight they were as well. Looking like a "Right Said Fred" tribute band in the Northern wastelands of Chesterfield... I can only dream that one day it will be me on the big screen with the BT Sport cameras lingering on my handsome good looks as I'm beamed into millions of households all over the country. My day will come.
With a place in the play offs still mathematically possible we needed to get a good result against the high flying Chunts. Which of course means we lost. On the plus side no one got sent off and in fairness played well for long periods of time but the Footballing Gods had other ideas. Toots now need either snookers, or at least the five clubs above us to loose every game until the end of the season or a major biblical apocalypse for us to get into the play offs. Ways and Feading seemed to have sown the championship up and will hopefully celebrate by finishing building the toilets at their ground. Egham look doomed which is a shame and it looks as if our Footballing jinxes Staines way well be dropping into the division after getting totally stuffed in most of their games this season.
Still a few rumours that there may be further restructuring next season and that Staines going down may impact on what league we will play in.... Watch this space.
Up The Stripes !!!!

Saturday, March 16, 2019


Just spent a few hours writing down my inner most personal thoughts about the last few weeks of following TMUFC. A blog you all would have enjoyed reading and one that I'm sure a big Hollywood media mogul would have picked up on and offered me millions of pounds to turn into a huge blockbuster staring someone like Jason Statham as me. The new "Fever Pitch" for a new generation of football fans sick to death of watching "Green Street 4" on DVD... But just like the Terrors second half against Bracknell Town it all turned to poo and all the hard work got lost when my phone had some kind of fit and sent all my hard work into the dark world of the internet never to be seen again. So I've started again and this blog will be rubbish. You've been warned.

First things first. Sorry I've been quiet on here but my new job is taking up a lot of my free time and unlike my previous place of employment my new boss seems to have a problem with me spending all day on various social media sites slagging off Dulwich, putting the world to rights, trolling Sutton fans and telling the world how the Mighty Stripes are doing.  I was talking to one of the security guards at work and he asked me what team I supported, when I told him it was Tooting and Mitcham he looked at me as if I was some kind of mental case. Either he didn't understand how or why anyone would not want to watch the Sky TV Soccer Circus from the comfort of the sofa instead of going to games... Or he knew about Tooting and Mitcham and really thought I was a mental case supporting them.
Things going well behind the scenes at the Fortress Imperial with various events being arranged including a family day and a race evening on Friday April 12th. The supporters club will be sponsoring a race and I've got the chance to name a couple of horses. "Hunky Hackbridge" and "Bog End Love God" are looking like the ones I will go with. Bog End Ant will also be naming a horse so expect something about Dulwich.
The club shop is also going well... I say shop but it is in fact a six foot table which is set up just inside the ground. Badges, Fridge Magnets, Pens and Scarves on sale and of course you'll get to meet me.
We are also aiming to have old programmes on sale soon... Probably next season in truth and a number of kind people have donated a large selection of programmes from all over the world is well as Tooting games.


So back to the match action.... Tooting went west to Bracknell on the back of quite an impressive unbeaten streak with had seen us not loose since the game with Yayes and Heading. Yeah ok... a lot were draws but no one likes to loose do they. Even miserable old gits like me like a bit of happiness in there lives. We are now in the Semi Final of the Surrey Senior Cup, which although might not have the glamour of the Champions league or the history of the FA Cup, it's still a trophy and one I really want to see us win. The first 45 minutes were some of the best football I've seen for a long while, great passing and movement and really making the second placed team in the division look pretty poor on the own patch. A well taken goal from David Carty and a missed penalty from Daryl Coleman had the travelling Terrors looking for an upset But alas the second half  was to prove too much as a stupid challenge from DMG gave the home team a penalty and then an own goal which the Chuckle Brothers would have been proud of put Bracknell 2-1 up. Daryl Coleman then had a little disciplinary blip and got sent off yet again. A great player who has given us so much this season but I wish he'd calm down sometimes. Looking like a lengthy ban for him which is a shame. Of course the home team then scored a third which has pretty much ended any chance of getting into the play offs. So a game we had a good chance of getting something from went down the toilet in a way that even Theresa May would have struggled to arrange. In some ways Bracknell didn't beat us... We beat ourselves....just like a sadomasochist self harming hermit. Up The Stripes !!!


Sunday, January 13, 2019

Poo Pantsy

Dear reader... All good things come to an end, the happiness and joy that have had me skipping around Mitcham with a smile as big as Beddington Park Sewage treatment works have been replaced by bitterness and hatred as the black clouds of doom and gloom spread to Hackbridge Towers and the surrounding areas. Missed the away day victory at Chalfont and ended up at Raynes Park Vale v Sutton Common Rovers which ended up with having four players sent off, ranting fans from both side who managed to make the terraces of TMUFC seem full of church goers and mutes. SCR won one nil by the way.... Don't let anyone say that Non League is boring. If you want to spend 90mins in the company of people loosing it big time visit your local Non League club and keep an eye on the stands and terraces.
 "Bitter hate filled old man in twisted football based rant"
Now it's very easy to blame match officials when you lose a match. It's very easy to look for excuses for your beloved team bad performances.... But..... It's true this time.
The ref for our game against top of the table Hayes and Yeading was truly fucking awful, turning the game into a little more than an ego trip for himself. Giving free kicks for the most minor of touches then completely missing blatant and sometimes violent infringements. H&Y first penalty looked harsh as in truth did our one.... The ref then somehow missed a nailed on free kick after a foul on Daryl Coleman and let H&Y play on a get their second goal  Can't comment on their second one which pretty much sowed the game up for the airport baggage molesters as I was getting something to eat thus saving myself the horror of watching their third goal. I've seen some pretty bad refs as I'm sure you have dear reader but this one would be in the top ten. Special mention must also go to the linesman who looked about  93 years old and who was also quite shite. People say you should respect your elders but it's fucking hard when they are that useless. He probably spent Saturday night drinking Horlicks wearing slippers and a dressing gown while the nursing home staff help change his nappy while listening to his anecdotes from his time fighting in the Boer War.
The team played well and should have come away with at least a point against a team who have knocked up some pretty impressive results this year. But as it was pointed out that if they have the same match officials it's no wonder they score so many goals. Hayes and Yeading have been one of the few good teams we've played this year and at least they brought along a decent amount of away supporters to Fortress Imperial. Must have made a nice change for many of them to head over to South London to get away from stealing suitcases or flying drones over Heathrow during their spare time.
It's looking like either them or Bracknell to win the title while the other clubs who make the play offs will have to contend with rules and spread sheet formulas which would test even someone like Carol Vorderman to work out. We are still in the mix for a play off place but don't ask me to explain how it will work this season if we do get there.
You'll be pleased to know that Bog End Ant has continued his fine work in spreading peace and love through out South London with his new Twitter account by getting blocked by the official Dulwich Hamlet twitter account for possibly upsetting a few with his review of their ground on google maps... And possibly most of his other posts on Twitter

                                                   Bog End Ant social media expert

Here's mine.....

Here's Bog End Ants Video Blog from the Hayes and Yeading game

Bog End Ant

Please subscribe and follow this little herbert and make him a rich and famous You Tube blogger

However, One Dulwich fan described the match day experience at TMUFC as  "Three dozen depressed old men and one potty-mouthed semi-feral child". Which in all honesty is pretty close to the truth.
Right now here are King Timmys views on the Terrors away days over at Molesey and Chipstead:

 The Black and White Army returned to its travels about a month ago with a trip west to the Land of the Setting Sun, otherwise known as Molesey. In truth, the sun didn’t bother to turn up at all, let alone dip beneath the horizon in a flame drenched finale. It was pissing with rain more or less all day and there were already puddles on the pitch as the first of the travelling hordes arrived. Probably not our greatest turnout but we still had the majority of a threadbare crowd.
The ref saw fit to go ahead and who could blame him. Football in a swamp has always appealed to me – either playing or watching. You may not see too many free-flowing moves but it does lend a blood and guts feel to proceedings. As a deluded young fan, most of my finest hours were spent watching the Mighty Terrors sweep all before them in the shark infested waters of Sandy Lane.
Not surprisingly, it was the likes of centre half Antonio Simeone who prospered, winning everything in the air and dealing with all that came his way against a competitive Molesey outfit. Yet it was the plum clad Terrors that held the upper hand, the in-form Darryl Coleman firing home from a well worked corner routine. And so it stayed, but at the interval, trickery and treachery were afoot behind the changing room doors. The Molesey players’ incessant wining as they made their way towards the moist but firm penalty area, pointing at drops of water and pretending to shudder, was enough to persuade the ref to call it a day.
For anyone who doesn’t believe in conspiracies, how many Tooting matches in the last 40 years have been abandoned with us losing? The answer s a big fat round number and it’s less than one.  
Never mind: an afternoon of rural pornography in Chipstead beckoned the following week. The Surrey village is the bastard offspring of the Farming/Stockbroker union: pavements do not exist in this peculiar part of the world where 75% of the local populace run around in Countryfile licensed tanks and mow down anything that moves. Best to leave the roads well alone. I did so and strolled through about four miles of woods and fields, dreams of John Craven stirring my loins as I predictably got lost amongst the grazing sheep. I also spotted a young deer, skipping happily through the trees at some pace, blissfully unaware of the fate that awaited at the hands of some bastard in an armoured car on the nearby road.
There was some football as well – and with the Bog End hordes more than trebling the average gate – festive fun for all the family. There was abit too much social intercourse amongst the black and white brigade with idle chatter about modern gramophone music and crop rotation diluting what should have been a rampant atmosphere, especially when Darryl Coleman hit the target once again, bending a sweetly struck free kick into the far corner. We remained impressive almost to the end with Isaiah Jones stealing in at the far post to sweep home his tenth of the season midway through the half. But a mild-mannered panic set in when the Stockbrokers capitalized on a ref’s cock up (failing to award us an obvious free kick at the other end) and supplied a decent finish to generate a few nerve mangling moments as the locals pressed for an equalizer. Then came the last gasp heroics: breaking out from a corner, Saidou (Citizen) Khan took the ball half the length of the pitch, outpacing the defence before taking it round the keeper and applying a magisterial finish: 3-1 to the Stripes.
We’re back there again in the Surrey Cup under the candles in a fortnight. Be sure to bring a searchlight and an anti-tank gun, and to wear a trifle in your hair.