El Northernlineico

Back again for more in-depth Football punditry, character assassinations and possibly outright cyber bullying from Hackbridge Towers by the banks of the mighty Wandle. 

Well, It's all over now. It didn't come home and just like those husbands that tell their wives they are just popping out for a pint of milk and then run off with some floozie. It doesn't look as if it ever will. But there is always a chance.... Isn't there...... Not all bad news though. The squad allegedly turning down the chance to meet Boris and chums for an "All you can eat" beans on toast buffet at Downing Street after some of the comments that came out of Downing Street and now we won’t have to hear “Three Fucking Lions” every time you turn on the radio. this alone is worth losing the final for. I enjoyed the Euros but as normal, the press, politicians and a small element of support really give me the hump. Football is a great sport and it really does bring out the best in people and can unite so many, but it can also bring out the worse in some and there are some right idiots out there. 

 Well back to proper football now and first up a trip to Raynes Park and a walk down the A3 for a pre-season game against Colliers Wood United (El Northernlineico). Yet another quite entertaining game which ended up 2-2 after Toots went two nil down in the first half. Rather against the run of play I must add. We also missed yet another penalty and really has got we worried that we have a curse on us, either that or the footballing gods get a kick out of the collective sigh that comes from our ranks every time we miss. 

Supporters on the Bog End watch as yet another penalty goes over the bar and ends up in the garage forcourt on Bishopsford Road

Old Tooting Star Sol Patterson-Bonner now playing for Colliers Wood and you'll be pleased to know that he is still his old lovable self when it comes to dealing with match officials. Good to see him again and he had a chat with the many travelling Toots in attendance. 

Then we were back at Fortress Imperial for another game on the back pitch against Molesey, Toots wining 1-0 and what I was told another entertaining game. I missed most of this by getting shown the new shop which will be up and running this coming season. A big Hug to Nick, Peter, Graham and of course Sexy Phil for all their hard work to get the shop sorted out and the area cleaned up. We will move into the old Stewards hut at the end of the ground near the rear 3G pitches (The Hackbridge End). Got new stock scarves plus a load more other groovy items. All cash I’m afraid as I’m not to be trusted with any form of technology that allows access to other people’s bank accounts. 

Next up a game against our neighbours Carshalton on the main pitch. Missed most of it setting up the Shop. A team from Sky TV were there filming and interviewed a couple of people including me. They seemed to want me to build the game into a Celtic v Rangers type blood bath of violence, hatred and bitterness instead of a Pre-Season friendly against a club I don’t really mind at all. They also seemed to want me to slag off ex-players who now play for the Robins, which of course I didn’t do. My dealings with the press and media have been few and far between, but in truth have never gone that well. Got a feeling my stuff will end up on the cutting floor when and if it does go out. I hope so anyway…. But there again, a media whore like me needs the oxygen of publicity and with my good looks I’m sure various agents will come knocking on the door offering places on the next “Love Island” or “Celebrity SAS are you butch enough” where I can show Ant Middleton how it is possible to live on a diet of Greggs vegan sausage rolls while watching the telly dressed in combat gear. As for the game, it finished 0-0 and Toots didn’t miss any penalties.

 Tuesday night and yet another PSF on the back pitch, this time a game against another local team Balham (El Northernlineico V2). Our part of South London really has some good football teams and set ups, Balham being one of them. The visitors winning 4-3 in another good game... Toots looking good up front, but defensively looking pretty bad on the night. Another healthy crowd and another chance to chat and work out what people can do to help promote the club. There is a lot going on behind the scenes over at Toots if you can spare any time to help please do. Clubs at our level always need volunteers for all kinds of things. 

Now available in the new club shop, The new CP Company range.

Shout Out Time !!!!!!!!!! 

Talking about great people…. Go and visit: 

https://thesmp.net/ 

Those fantastic people over at St Matthews who have done so much to help so many children in the South London area. Show them some love. With the summer holidays starting they are helping organise football classes for all ages, also helping make sure that there is food and drink for these kids. I’ve spent time talking to a number of people connected with SMP and I can honestly say that they are some of the most caring people going and are making a huge difference to so many young lives. 

Also those cheeky chappies over at https://www.southlondonisblackandwhite.com/ 

Far better blogs than the rubbish I come out with and another group of people who have helped so much in improving TMUFC’s social media. They also know about football so if you crave information about our players and playing systems, give them a visit as they know far more than me…. Great Interview with Andy Harrup, who is one of the nicest people you could ever meet plus a load of other goods bits in their archives. 

 Of course, a big thanks to Jimmy and all over at the Ramble Inn up near Amen Corner in Tooting for all their support over the last few years, home to the best Guinness in London and a load of Toots memorabilia up on the walls. 

 Well Dear Reader, that’s it for another couple of weeks, but looking back, another good thing to come from the Euros is that at least we know that thanks to the hard work done by teams of top scientists, medical professionals and the Health and Safety executive, that it is now safe to stick a lighted smoke bomb up your bottom. I think the older readers can all remember those dark days of footballing yesteryear when sticking any type of pyrotechnic up your bum after drinking Cider and doing a load of sniff was classed as very dangerous and could well ruin your rectum. How times have changed for the better. 

 Up The Terrors!!!!!!

Not coming home.....

Hurrah, Dear Reader. More words of wisdom from Hackbridge Towers as the pre-season friendlies start up again. We will also delve into the magical world of the Euros which I've quite enjoyed this year. Footballs coming home!!!!!!! 

Pre Season starts at Corinthian Casuals

 First up, a friendly on the back pitch was against our tenants Tooting Bec who I must say are really looking better and better and do seem as if they will have yet another good season. An entertaining 0-0 draw which possibly was a fair result as both teams missed good chances and both hit the woodwork on several occasions. I must admit that I spend most of my time at the Pre-season games chatting and gossiping so don't look to me for in-depth views on formations or new players or signing etc (As if you ever did). I just enjoyed the day in the sun. Good to see a few of the others at the game including Mad Ciaran who informed me that he is thinking of moving to Hackbridge and wanted to know the important things about the area like how much is an Uber to and from the Ramble Inn. If he does move to the area it may well put back any ideas of gentrification by around 15 years and have a significant effect on house prices meaning you will be able to pick up a 3 bed house with a garage for about 250 quid... I must add how smart he looked in his bright yellow Ukrainian football shirt which he proudly wore and which I'm sure will get him a bit of cash back from Ebay in a week or so.

                     #FFS

 Talking of which.... Watched the England - Ukraine game in the bar after the Bec match... A good crowd in the bar singing and yelling their heads of as England defied the odds by 

A/ Playing well 

B/ Winning comfortably. 

When it comes to International football I often tell people I have enough Scots and Irish blood not to really care about England and enough English blood not to care about either the Scots or Irish, but I must admit my Anglo Saxon side was very happy after the game which may have had a lot to do with Gareth Southgate’s team selection and a very good England performance.... Or the large amount of Guinness I drank.... Either way a good night out. 

Toots second Pre-Season game was away to Three Bridges on the following Tuesday and ended up a 1-0 defeat on the same night Italy beat Spain to get to the Final on penalties. Of course, to mark the occasion, Toots missed a last-minute penalty and now this run of bad luck, or to be honest, badly taken penalties carries on which is a bit of a worry to us sensitive types on the Bog End. 

I was back to Fortress Imperial on the Wednesday Night to watch the England v Denmark game. Another great night surrounded by rather loud people. What can I say, England proving everyone wrong and getting through to the Final. Since taking on the teachings of Karl Marx and upsetting the Daily Mail the whole England set up has really done well now get ready for Italy in the Final on Sunday. Ant got in early and helped arranged a table so I've no doubt that Sunday night might involve Guinness and singing. 

But before that is the important matter of another Pre-Season game against Frank Wilson's Merstham side, again on the back 3G pitch. A good run out for the team and a 3-1 victory. Yet again I spent most of the match gossiping and chatting to whoever was unlucky enough to stand next to me. I'm looking forward to the start of the season as I think we have a good chance of doing well. Covid took away our chances of making the play offs over the last two seasons. Fingers crossed it will be different this year. 

Did you know England won the World Cup in 1966? Most people don't know this little-known fact as it never ever gets mentioned at all and with this in mind I set off to the bar at Fortress Imperial to watch Gareth’s Groovy Gang take on Italy in the Euro Final to watch Football coming home (Spoiler Alert). It didn't. A fantastic start from England which gave everyone the hope that England may do it was crushed in the 2nd half as Italy equalised and I think deep down we all knew the outcome. Yet another penalty shootout fuck up as Rashford hop, skipped, jumped, farted and passed the ball to the Italian goalie instead of just smashing the fucking thing was the start of the doom and gloom. I feel dreadfully sorry for the young lads who missed who then predictably suffered online abuse from the total bellends that seem to hide behind their phones and computers during England games. Lots of positives from England and it was great to see various communities getting behind the team and coaching staff but still heart breaking yet again to see the trouble afterwards and over the top drunken behaviour which is often the reason why so many other countries love it when England lose. Fucking embarrassing.... I’m feeling really quite down in the dumps as I write this, but at least, I haven’t woken up knowing there’s a photo of me with a smoke bomb sticking out of my bumhole and that I didn’t end up taking off my clothes on Wembley Way while off my face on various nasally ingested chemicals.

“Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country,” 

 Anyway, from the Banks of the Mighty Wandle there seems to be a lot of building work going on over at Sutton United's Gangrene Lane ground and the world famous "Shoe Box Terrace" has now been demolished which is a shame. As pointed out by Bog End Regular Mr Chops at least when the Shoe Box was in place all the weirdos used to be together in a small area and therefore easy to keep control of by the clever use of stewarding and cattle prods. Now they will be free to walk around and mix with normal supporters which I bet is one drawback their promotion into the Football League. Still all the work has allowed @bornatotter the chance to work around the ground in a High Vis jacket and a white hard hat / builders helmet looking like one of the Village People. 

Also, got to feel for Peter Crouch a once famous international footballer now so down on his luck he's forced to join the board at Dulwich Hamlet and make TV Documentaries about the club to try and earn enough cash to feed his growing family. With the Euros going on and the Country getting behind the Three Lions, it’s really sad to see an Ex England International footballer hit the depths of despair after the end of his career. I can only hope that things get better for him sooner rather than later and that one day he can hold his head up high again.

Another thing I did learn over the past couple of weeks is that having a photo taken with a crying child can get you a lot of money, if only I'd started doing that a couple of seasons ago with Ant, We would have so much cash behind us we could both be in the space race with Elon Musk or Richard Branson trying to reach Uranus first or be living on a luxury yacht off the coast of Canvey Island, instead I'm spending my days looking out the window and wondering if Mad Ciaran is going to move in next door

Up The Terrors !!!!!

Kings Of The Wandle

Blimey, the last blog of the 20-21 season. A strange time to be a football supporter, when the chances to see live games has been very limited. Sitting in an armchair at home listening to Glen Hoddle talking about matches might appeal to some but not me... I need a bit more entertainment than that dear reader....

Well it was a shame that only really a small group of Terrors made their way to the Friday Night Semi Final game with Hanwell, as it turned out to be rather an eventful Friday night in Wood Green. A journey back in time to my old stomping ground for the 2020/ 21 London

Senior Cup Semi Final being played at Haringey’s ground as Hanwell were having work carried out on their pitch. Haringey's ground is where I played Rugby for my school against the school my Dad used to go to, so in many ways strange to go back to the part of London where I grew up. A pub I used to drink in as a spikey haired Punk Rocker and where I saw the band Angelic Upstarts play has now been converted into

a massive betting shop and the whole area looked different and in

truth a bit cleaner than how I remembered the place. Mind you that was nearly 40 years ago since I left the Frozen Norf and headed down to tropical South West London. I'm one of those rare people whose happy in both North and South London. 

The kick off was delayed as Tooting's kit was stuck in traffic meaning the match finally kicked off at 8:30pm but everyone seemed pretty confident and in good spirits as we waited for the start. Got to chat to Caroline McRoyall, who leaves the club at the end of the season. A

lovely person and someone who has helped change so much at the club and helped it move forward into the modern age. Good also to meet up with that Irish lot again and although one of them is totally mad. They have added so much to the large group of strange characters that now

follow Tooting and Mitcham both home and away. Please, if you get the chance get to a couple of away days next season, do it there is always a good loud vocal following at most of our away games. Drink may also be involved. 

A very hard fought game in every respect. Challenges coming in thickand fast in a game which the Ref really should have done a lot more to calm down and get a grip on early on, instead of letting it turn into a kicking match. In truth both teams could have had players sent off and Hanwells bench were shouting and screaming the entire match. 

At least Hanwells kit arrived on                            time

The neutral Haringey fans and Ground hoppers all seemed to want us to win because of Hanwells heavy approach.

After going two nil up early on, we seemed to lose our shape after the first incident between the two sets of players. Hanwell then getting a goal back and I started to get every concerned that things could go pair shaped. The second half started off from where the first half finished, Hanwell putting loads of pressure on while their management ranted away at every single tackle. It was only a matter of time before someone would be shown a Red Card... And as we all know, it's normally a Terror who gets it. Goalie Gary Ross was shown a red card after catching one of their strikers which they equalised from the resulting free kick. A penalty followed and we were now 3-2 down and I honestly thought it was going to get worse... But what do I know, a

goal from a corner sneaked in on the 93 minute sending the game into extra time. Remember the game had kicked off nearly an hour later.

Hanwell scoring in the first period of extra time but you could see

although we were down to 10 men that the team where really getting things together and starting to out battle Hanwell and get the upper hand. Toots then equalising almost straight away making it 4-4 and I knew the Football gods were on our side. Dontai Stewart scoring Tooting’s 5th and match winning goal sending the handful of Travelling

Toots mad. Not a great game footballing wise but possibly one of the most eventful games I've ever seen and it will be one I'll always remember. Finally got home just before 1am, knackered but very very happy.

So now there was a little matter of a Cup Final and another a trip

back to North London for the game with AFC Wimbledon's youth team played at Hendon's ground. This also marked a return of the Wandle Derby... Elwandico, very important for local bragging rights. An early start this time for the 1pm kick off which didn't seem to affect the drinking habits of many of the travelling Terrors who help make up the 561 attendance at the Battle of The Wandle . Finding up how young some of The Wombles where still didn't make me feel confident after getting flash backs to the Surrey Cup final against the young Met Police team when we were well beaten in an awful one sided match. Wimbledon defending really well and playing a very organised game which often pushed us back and made it hard for us to break down. We

looked dangerous when playing long high balls up to our forward line as the young Wombles had to cope with our more physical game. 0 - 0 at half time and all to play for in the next 45 minutes. Tooting’s strength and experience started to make a difference between the two teams when a mistake by The Wombles keeper allowed Jake Rose to score our first goal and Dontai Stewart scoring directly from a corner a couple of minutes later. But Tooting never make things easy

and Wimbledon got one back near the end but we held on to lift The London Senior Cup yet again. Tooting and Mitcham’s eighth success in this Cup nearly equalling the 9 times winners Walthamstow Avenue. This

would be great to eclipse their record soon.

The best thing for me was seeing how much it meant to all the players and staff. So really happy for Ash and Cornelius as all the work they have put in over the last few years now has a Trophy to show for it  and hopefully the first of many more. Chuffed for Warren as well and a  fitting end to Caroline McRoyall time as the Chair at the club. Andy Harrup getting his own song as he joined the players on the pitch and was presented with the trophy. So many happy faces amongst all of our fans, both young and old. The ones who've followed the club for years and the ones who have joined the ranks of the Bog End in the last couple of seasons. We are very lucky at TMUFC now with everything that’s happening on and off the pitch. I know I sound like a parrot I say this so often but

it's true...

So a happy ending to the season which looked doomed a couple of months ago. Another trophy and even more to be positive about for next season.

What a great club !!!!

Up The Terrors !!!!!

#LondonIsBlackAndWhite

Tooting and Mumchums

Well it seems like ages since I last put pen to paper or in this case finger to keyboard, but here we are again. One big happy group of Terrors because Football is back at Fortress Imperial and at long last as we get a chance to finish of this seasons London Senior Cup. "The greatest Cup Competition in The World..." What ever happened to him? 

A crowd of over 400 for a London Senior Cup game is impressive. On a Tuesday night we rarely used to get over 60 for these games. Yes, several Sutton, Carshalton, Dulwich and supporters of other clubs boosted the numbers, but we should all still be very happy to see that we are now getting more and more interest in our fixtures. The more that come the more will tell their friends and family, the chance to see live Football without taking out a mortgage and the chance to stand on terraces with friends and family can't be underestimated. You could bankrupt yourself buying tickets for Chelsea and still not be sitting with people you know. The price to get into Premiership and Championship games really take the micky. I think a lot of people will realise that being skint because of Football is totally stupid when there are affordable football clubs nearby to go and watch. Great to see Besty, Mrs Besty and Rowan Besty at the game and good to see the other families that came along to see The Terrors, turning the back of the stand into a nursery for the second half. I’ll be very happy if the Tooting and Mumchums" return to see us again and great to know that we are now attracting Families of all ages though the turnstiles. I've said before and will happily say it again that the change in the atmosphere in the ground and the more positive vibe about the place is very welcome. Take care with behaviour though. We have what can be best described as quite a vocal crowd, good humoured and loyal but please bear in mind that the old days of ranting a raving from a few could have a very negative effect on things. It has taken a long time and a lot of hard work behind the scenes to get build the profile of the club and it wouldn't take too much to undo the good work put in by some many of the people who have put so much effort into changing things. As for the game... Well we beat Erith 2-1 with a last-minute own goal, but a win is a win no matter how it comes and everyone there could leave the ground after a good afternoon’s entertainment. Yet another penalty miss but at least unlike Daryl Colemans against Fisher it didn't nearly hit me full in the face. If hadn't been for my Cat like agility and Ninja reflexes my Boy Band Career could have been ruined by our Captain along with my front teeth and nose... I tend to groan not cheer when we get spot kicks now, it would be nice to score one or two next season chaps. Good to see Nic Taylor back at Fortress Imperial. An Ex Terror who is a larger than life character, good bloke and a great goalie. During a supporter’s v Players game one year he jumped over into the crowd and picked up Bog End Ant and sticking him in goal while he ran up the pitch for a corner. Ant was only about 5 or 6 then and he was so chuffed when it happened. I however shat myself and was trying to think of excuses to tell Mrs H if Ant got injured by a two footed challenge or an elbow in the face. It's things like that happening at games and at Non-League level that make everything so much better than the Premiership, Championship or whatever Super Dooper European League some nutcase thinks up. Arsenal should think about entering the Eurovision Song Contest next year as it might be one way of getting back in Europe for more of those Glorious European matches all Gooners live for.. Even with their piss poor record in all of the European cups and competitions over the years I doubt if even they could end up with "Nil Poi"... Mind you....

                      "Nil Poi"

 Congratulations to Sutton United on winning promotion to the Football League. Local rivals yes, but in truth now light years ahead of us on the pitch but it's always worth remembering we were in the same Division just over a decade ago and therefore proving that you can build into bigger and better things. Really pleased for my mate @bornatotter who is well chuffed now. As some of you know he has suffered with ill heath after his penis enlargement surgery went so tragically wrong. He turned up for the Erith game and instead of bringing bad luck, doom, gloom and defeat on the pitch he saw us win at last.

Locals  in Sutton celibrate their promotion to the football league

 Talking about Sutton... SCR will be playing in the same league as us next year so a nearby local derby for us all. Like Tooting Bec are to us there are several people who happily go and watch both Sutton United and Sutton Common Rovers. They play their home games at Gangrene Lane although this may well change when Sutton must dig their 3G pitch up and go back to the real thing now they are in Division Two. So, despite rumours and speculation we will be still in the same division as before (South Central) after the reorganisation of the leagues. A few hoping to be moved into the Southern League and some interesting away trips and new grounds to visit. Personally, I think we have more chance of going up from this league into the premiership, so I'm not too upset. I'm certain that we would have made the play offs in both cancelled seasons if the plague had not put an end to things. As we know, all of our major rivals have leap frogged us. AFC Wimbledon about to move back into the Plough Lane area after all their successes since forming up years ago. Dulwich who again have jumped up the Leagues from us and now Sutton taking the big step forward. Proof if needed that we can get things right and can build on what we have at TMUFC. We needed to learn from both Sutton and Dulwich and the way they promoted themselves and how their crowds grew, and media profile improved. I think we have done that, but most importantly for me, keeping our own identity in the process. Keep up the good work everyone. I will personally give you all a big soppy kiss when all this Covid bollocks is over. So, at the time of writing these words of wisdom we have a Cup Semi Final to look forward to this Friday. Either out to the Wild West to Hanwell or up norf to Haringey, my old stomping ground when I lived in that bleak Northern Wasteland, full of steel factories, mines, flat caps and whippets. The M25 acting as a barrier between the bleak depressed Northerners and those White Walkers... The land of snow and ice.... Better known as Waltham Abbey. 

 Up The Terrors!!!!!!

Not Massive Anymore

Staines...Staines.... The Horror.... The Horror.... Apocalypse Now for  TMUFC..... The Horror..... But before that dear reader.... 

Tooting and Mitcham win at          Staines

All roads lead to Wembley... Or is it Rome. One of the two anyway and we are still on our way after a good win against Romford in the FA Trophy. Plenty of panicking behind the scenes in the days before the game as it was not certain how many would be allowed into the ground. Like most things these days nobody seems to have a clue what is happening from day to day. I've given up watching the news as I already struggle with working out who I can mix with, talk to, drink with, speak to and stalk on a daily basis. 

Another bumper crowd at Fortress Imperial to see us beat the cast of TOWIE. Two well taken goals sending us on our way to North West London and the arch over Wembley Stadium which I still think looks like a half closed toilet seat from a distance. Next up is a trip to sunny Bognor Regis on the South Coast, which looks like being a big away day for the Travelling Terrors. We have already bought loads of the online tickets which means another bumper away day.

On to Staines and a large group of Travelling Terrors headed out west to watch the mighty Toots play yet another so called bogie team, so called because they are. We have a terrible record against this lot. 

Songs about Ali G and Borat filled the air from the crowd which seemed to be at least half Toots fans. Even the harmonica got an outing. Well they're not massive anymore as Big Mitch pointed out.  A 4-0 victory perhaps helped by a dodgy red card which I'm told was harsh but as all Terrors know The Football Gods owe us a favour or two. 

Goals from

Troy Walters (21')

Elijah Simpson (76')

Jake Rose (81')

Dan Williams (90') 

Making sure the 3 points ended up on the banks of the Wandle.

The Staines stewards having their work cut out stopping the Bog End drinking cans on the terraces in a football version of prohibition  which was rather more Loch Ness than Elliot Ness in a futile attempt to stop people drinking. 

"Alcohol is the Devils Urine, don't drink it"

If you've started just coming to home games, please dip your toes in the Terrors Away Daze experience. The club has fantastic support both home and away.  

So goodbye and best wishes to Goalkeeper James Shaw who has left for pastures new. A great bloke and fans favourite who also helped those Cheeky Chappies at "South London Is Black And White" with a couple of well written blogs. Sad when popular players leave, but that is the nature of the game. I wish him well where ever he goes. Fingers crossed that our paths will cross again and "The Irish Lot" give him heaps of abuse for 90mins... Cheers James. 

I must add it is very very rarely I've heard our any of our ex players getting any grief for moving away. For some it just doesn't work out, for others, the chance to play for clubs above us in the footballing pyramid is understandably a reason to leave. Some find it hard to commit to balancing home, family and work commitments. The managers also have had to make difficult decisions, some of which at first make no sense to the fans in the stands or behind the goal but in reality are for the best of the team. 

We have lost a number of key players in the last few months and things might take a bit longer to sort out, but we are heading in the right direction as resent results have proved... Keep The Faith. 

Well lets hope they have finished the Bishopsford Road Bridge by May next year or the open top bus journey after winning the FA Trophy will involve us going up, down, then around Rose Hill roundabout half a dozen times. I might have to contact the local council about this and tell them to pull their finger out and get it sorted.   

Last but not least. A big thanks to all the match day volunteers who have helped things run so smoothly at our home games this season. A fantastic team effort off the pitch by everyone. Especially me.... and my ego. 

Up The Terrors.... 

#TwoTinsForTooting

Watch this space !!!!!

Apocalypse Slough - The thoughts of Sir Tim Megone.

More from Sir Timothy Megone, Bog End Royalty and Loony.

APOCALYPSE SLOUGH – THE SEQUEL

Despite Tooting’s history of mostly abject failure in the competition since the days when Boney M and Dickie Davies conspired to control the planet, the FA Cup still has a stranglehold on my senses. When we finally made it to the First Round Proper in 2009 after 32 years in the wilderness, I was a happy but senseless wreck for the 8-week duration of that magical journey. No danger of that this year.

Back in September, Fortress Imperial Fields hosted competitive football for the first time in over six months, in the form of the FA Cup preliminary round tie against Fisher Athletic.

The loin moistening prospect of Tooting cup glory wasn’t really an issue as I fumbled my way into the spooky world of online bookings for match tickets in the face of rumours of sell- out crowds in a reduced capacity stadium.

The prospect of a (sort of) packed stadium without me there to see righteousness prevail raised the stakes as kick-off time drew near, and sweat drenched panic took over as I broke into a lusty sprint alongside the Wandle’s throbbing torrents.

Omens and Devilry are never far away in non-league football and I stared long and hard at the fat grey heron on the river bank in my search for a glimpse of the future, but he had fuck all to say in response.

At the ground, the queues brought back memories of epic cup ties all those decades ago and cup fever’s horny clasp was upon me once again.

But dread and foreboding took over when people in the queue (complete strangers, which is a bit of a novelty these days in Terror Town) started to discuss what happened if the scores were level after 90 minutes. Penalties apparently. No replays, no extra time, just fucking penalties.

A fair few of my favourite Tooting memories have involved famous cup replay victories under lights, none more so than our epic extra time 4-3 triumph at Eastbourne Borough back in 2009, but we could forget about all that because the FA have spent the last 20-30 years or so desecrating their greatest asset. Replays consigned to the bowels of oblivion, extra time but a passing fad.

Aside from that, my metabolism isn’t equipped to deal with penalties in the first match of the season.

At that point, I still was more concerned with beating the crowds to get into the ground before the gates closed and hadn’t given the performance or result much thought.

The fear and loathing only really set in when, safely through the turnstiles, I heard Trifle King Roy Sisley’s quivering announcement over the tannoy that our guest of honour was former Tooting star Trevor Dark. The attacking midfielder-cum-forward had emerged from Mitcham to play top flight football, aged 16, at Anfield, turning out for a disintegrating Birmingham City team. After that, the only way was up and he joined Tooting in November ’87, scoring and starring in an epic 5-3 triumph over a cheating Hayes outfit. But the storm clouds were gathering and 18 months later, Trevor was in the side that wobbled perilously towards the club’s first ever relegation and took on Slough Town at their place, needing a convincing win to survive.

With the hordes roaring them on, the Terrors titillated us all by ripping apart the Berkshire village for fifteen minutes without actually scoring. After that, western civilization collapsed and we conceded four, missing two second half penalties under crimson skies. Trevor’s was the second of these abominations, his cunningly slow strike failing to deceive the keeper as it snailed its way into his grateful grasp. Howls of contempt rained down from one or two of the Bog End vultures and there followed a cheerful exchange of abuse, but by then I was too depressed to see straight, let alone speak. Apocalypse Slough indeed.

Trevor Dark was a good player and seemed like a decent bloke from the handful of conversations I recall but he had returned, all be it unwittingly, to curse our cup crusade, as I knew only too well from the moment of Sisley’s salute.

Perhaps the penalties defeat was inevitable, though it would have helped if the Fisher keeper was less than blow job distance from our erratic penalty takers when they struck their wayward efforts.

But Satan weaves another spell – the curse that comes with our large stadium and expectant support: the visitors, like lower league Fisher, well organized, fitter and more motivated on their big day out: even after centre half Sinn’kaye Christie, rising like a young salmon, nodded us ahead and Dontai Stewart, with a sizzling first time finish, restored our lead, the docklands dealers coming back to equalize at the death.

Apocalypse Slough had returned and slinked away, but the Terrors, lethal on their travels for most of 2020, have still to overcome their demons at home to triumph in the name of justice and freedom.  And we can’t afford to hang around for the fat heron of the Wandle to give us permission.

Top of the League....ish

Well all good in the hood as they say. Toots headed to the top of the League after away victories at FC Romania, Ashford Town and beating Harlow at Fortress Imperial. This all following the trip to Dunstable in the Trophy which turned out to be a great away day up Norf in the Land of the Stark Family. So of course, this would come to a crashing end at Fortress Imperial to Waltham Abbey, who depending on your views played a nasty, dirty game which unsettled the Terrors or as in my case lost to a team who defended well and didn't give Toots anytime on the ball. A special mention to their goalie who was 6'11" and commanded the area like a giant hairy sasquash patrolling the woods and forests of the American Pacific North West. All in front of a capacity  400 crowd which is very impressive, a shame they did not get to see a win. Tooting need to learn to play against the more physical teams. We can beat anyone if allowed to play football but as we all know, not all teams play like that. We also need to find our scoring boots pretty soon as just a hand full of goals so far this season needs to be looked at sooner rather than later. But I can't fault the effort or commitment of the players, things will work out but the home league form needs to improve for us to have a realistic chance of promotion or at least the play offs.

     Hands across The Wandle 

A lot of new supporters in the massed ranks of the Bog End at games which is so good to see. The word is definitely getting out to the people of South London that there is a vibrant Non League set up at our place. With no fans being allowed into games, I'm glad too see many fans dipping their toes into Non League waters, hopefully some will come to realise that an expensive day out at a Premiership or Championship ground is not the only way to get a Footballing fix these days. 

Chelsea hooligans in a Police escort at their away fixture at White Hart Lane last season. A world of difference from watching Non League Football.

A big thanks to everyone who has helped promote the club. We have also had a good few from Sutton United turn up at games seeing as unfairly they can't get into games at their level which does seem strange. A great meeting of minds involving the "Shoe Box" and the "Irish Lot" proved that Football is the universal language of people who like a drink or two. I honestly hope that Sutton are allowed to play in front of their fans soon. Bornatotter looking butch in a rather fetching green cardigan which made several fashion obsessed Bog Enders from The Ramble Inn rather jealous. It takes a brave man to wear a green cardigan out and about these days....or someone without a mirror in his house. 

A big thanks to everyone who have said they enjoyed the pod cast myself and Bog End Ant did with Ash from "Cathedral of sport" team, so much positive feed back which is very much appreciated.
Of course it won't be long before I'm being interviewed on Sky Sports News or having to kill a badger with my bare hands while being shouted at by Ant Middleton on "Celebrity SAS are you tough enough". Until then I'll stick to doing these blogs.

I don't often back up Premership teams but well done to Arsenal for getting rid of Gunnersaurus. It's about time The Premier League took a stand along side David Icke to defeat our Lizard Overlords. Gunnersaurus will be the first of many to feel humanities backlash in the battle for mankind.

      David Icke's arch nemesis

Hope to get the merch table up and running again soon, watch this space for any news. Just looking at how this can be done without getting in the way and having a knock on effect of the social distancing at home games.

Health update, along with still getting over a mild case of Covid which knocked me for six, I've just been told I have Diabetes Type 2, which has been a wake up call heath wise. No more comfort eating Snickers, Mars Bars or Twix along with a coffee with 6 sugars after yet another bloody defeat. Not to sure how Mrs H will react but I've told her I caught it off a toilet seat so it should be ok.