Not Massive Anymore

Staines...Staines.... The Horror.... The Horror.... Apocalypse Now for  TMUFC..... The Horror..... But before that dear reader.... 

Tooting and Mitcham win at          Staines

All roads lead to Wembley... Or is it Rome. One of the two anyway and we are still on our way after a good win against Romford in the FA Trophy. Plenty of panicking behind the scenes in the days before the game as it was not certain how many would be allowed into the ground. Like most things these days nobody seems to have a clue what is happening from day to day. I've given up watching the news as I already struggle with working out who I can mix with, talk to, drink with, speak to and stalk on a daily basis. 

Another bumper crowd at Fortress Imperial to see us beat the cast of TOWIE. Two well taken goals sending us on our way to North West London and the arch over Wembley Stadium which I still think looks like a half closed toilet seat from a distance. Next up is a trip to sunny Bognor Regis on the South Coast, which looks like being a big away day for the Travelling Terrors. We have already bought loads of the online tickets which means another bumper away day.

On to Staines and a large group of Travelling Terrors headed out west to watch the mighty Toots play yet another so called bogie team, so called because they are. We have a terrible record against this lot. 

Songs about Ali G and Borat filled the air from the crowd which seemed to be at least half Toots fans. Even the harmonica got an outing. Well they're not massive anymore as Big Mitch pointed out.  A 4-0 victory perhaps helped by a dodgy red card which I'm told was harsh but as all Terrors know The Football Gods owe us a favour or two. 

Goals from

Troy Walters (21')

Elijah Simpson (76')

Jake Rose (81')

Dan Williams (90') 

Making sure the 3 points ended up on the banks of the Wandle.

The Staines stewards having their work cut out stopping the Bog End drinking cans on the terraces in a football version of prohibition  which was rather more Loch Ness than Elliot Ness in a futile attempt to stop people drinking. 

"Alcohol is the Devils Urine, don't drink it"

If you've started just coming to home games, please dip your toes in the Terrors Away Daze experience. The club has fantastic support both home and away.  

So goodbye and best wishes to Goalkeeper James Shaw who has left for pastures new. A great bloke and fans favourite who also helped those Cheeky Chappies at "South London Is Black And White" with a couple of well written blogs. Sad when popular players leave, but that is the nature of the game. I wish him well where ever he goes. Fingers crossed that our paths will cross again and "The Irish Lot" give him heaps of abuse for 90mins... Cheers James. 

I must add it is very very rarely I've heard our any of our ex players getting any grief for moving away. For some it just doesn't work out, for others, the chance to play for clubs above us in the footballing pyramid is understandably a reason to leave. Some find it hard to commit to balancing home, family and work commitments. The managers also have had to make difficult decisions, some of which at first make no sense to the fans in the stands or behind the goal but in reality are for the best of the team. 

We have lost a number of key players in the last few months and things might take a bit longer to sort out, but we are heading in the right direction as resent results have proved... Keep The Faith. 

Well lets hope they have finished the Bishopsford Road Bridge by May next year or the open top bus journey after winning the FA Trophy will involve us going up, down, then around Rose Hill roundabout half a dozen times. I might have to contact the local council about this and tell them to pull their finger out and get it sorted.   

Last but not least. A big thanks to all the match day volunteers who have helped things run so smoothly at our home games this season. A fantastic team effort off the pitch by everyone. Especially me.... and my ego. 

Up The Terrors.... 

#TwoTinsForTooting

Watch this space !!!!!

Apocalypse Slough - The thoughts of Sir Tim Megone.

More from Sir Timothy Megone, Bog End Royalty and Loony.

APOCALYPSE SLOUGH – THE SEQUEL

Despite Tooting’s history of mostly abject failure in the competition since the days when Boney M and Dickie Davies conspired to control the planet, the FA Cup still has a stranglehold on my senses. When we finally made it to the First Round Proper in 2009 after 32 years in the wilderness, I was a happy but senseless wreck for the 8-week duration of that magical journey. No danger of that this year.

Back in September, Fortress Imperial Fields hosted competitive football for the first time in over six months, in the form of the FA Cup preliminary round tie against Fisher Athletic.

The loin moistening prospect of Tooting cup glory wasn’t really an issue as I fumbled my way into the spooky world of online bookings for match tickets in the face of rumours of sell- out crowds in a reduced capacity stadium.

The prospect of a (sort of) packed stadium without me there to see righteousness prevail raised the stakes as kick-off time drew near, and sweat drenched panic took over as I broke into a lusty sprint alongside the Wandle’s throbbing torrents.

Omens and Devilry are never far away in non-league football and I stared long and hard at the fat grey heron on the river bank in my search for a glimpse of the future, but he had fuck all to say in response.

At the ground, the queues brought back memories of epic cup ties all those decades ago and cup fever’s horny clasp was upon me once again.

But dread and foreboding took over when people in the queue (complete strangers, which is a bit of a novelty these days in Terror Town) started to discuss what happened if the scores were level after 90 minutes. Penalties apparently. No replays, no extra time, just fucking penalties.

A fair few of my favourite Tooting memories have involved famous cup replay victories under lights, none more so than our epic extra time 4-3 triumph at Eastbourne Borough back in 2009, but we could forget about all that because the FA have spent the last 20-30 years or so desecrating their greatest asset. Replays consigned to the bowels of oblivion, extra time but a passing fad.

Aside from that, my metabolism isn’t equipped to deal with penalties in the first match of the season.

At that point, I still was more concerned with beating the crowds to get into the ground before the gates closed and hadn’t given the performance or result much thought.

The fear and loathing only really set in when, safely through the turnstiles, I heard Trifle King Roy Sisley’s quivering announcement over the tannoy that our guest of honour was former Tooting star Trevor Dark. The attacking midfielder-cum-forward had emerged from Mitcham to play top flight football, aged 16, at Anfield, turning out for a disintegrating Birmingham City team. After that, the only way was up and he joined Tooting in November ’87, scoring and starring in an epic 5-3 triumph over a cheating Hayes outfit. But the storm clouds were gathering and 18 months later, Trevor was in the side that wobbled perilously towards the club’s first ever relegation and took on Slough Town at their place, needing a convincing win to survive.

With the hordes roaring them on, the Terrors titillated us all by ripping apart the Berkshire village for fifteen minutes without actually scoring. After that, western civilization collapsed and we conceded four, missing two second half penalties under crimson skies. Trevor’s was the second of these abominations, his cunningly slow strike failing to deceive the keeper as it snailed its way into his grateful grasp. Howls of contempt rained down from one or two of the Bog End vultures and there followed a cheerful exchange of abuse, but by then I was too depressed to see straight, let alone speak. Apocalypse Slough indeed.

Trevor Dark was a good player and seemed like a decent bloke from the handful of conversations I recall but he had returned, all be it unwittingly, to curse our cup crusade, as I knew only too well from the moment of Sisley’s salute.

Perhaps the penalties defeat was inevitable, though it would have helped if the Fisher keeper was less than blow job distance from our erratic penalty takers when they struck their wayward efforts.

But Satan weaves another spell – the curse that comes with our large stadium and expectant support: the visitors, like lower league Fisher, well organized, fitter and more motivated on their big day out: even after centre half Sinn’kaye Christie, rising like a young salmon, nodded us ahead and Dontai Stewart, with a sizzling first time finish, restored our lead, the docklands dealers coming back to equalize at the death.

Apocalypse Slough had returned and slinked away, but the Terrors, lethal on their travels for most of 2020, have still to overcome their demons at home to triumph in the name of justice and freedom.  And we can’t afford to hang around for the fat heron of the Wandle to give us permission.

Top of the League....ish

Well all good in the hood as they say. Toots headed to the top of the League after away victories at FC Romania, Ashford Town and beating Harlow at Fortress Imperial. This all following the trip to Dunstable in the Trophy which turned out to be a great away day up Norf in the Land of the Stark Family. So of course, this would come to a crashing end at Fortress Imperial to Waltham Abbey, who depending on your views played a nasty, dirty game which unsettled the Terrors or as in my case lost to a team who defended well and didn't give Toots anytime on the ball. A special mention to their goalie who was 6'11" and commanded the area like a giant hairy sasquash patrolling the woods and forests of the American Pacific North West. All in front of a capacity  400 crowd which is very impressive, a shame they did not get to see a win. Tooting need to learn to play against the more physical teams. We can beat anyone if allowed to play football but as we all know, not all teams play like that. We also need to find our scoring boots pretty soon as just a hand full of goals so far this season needs to be looked at sooner rather than later. But I can't fault the effort or commitment of the players, things will work out but the home league form needs to improve for us to have a realistic chance of promotion or at least the play offs.

     Hands across The Wandle 

A lot of new supporters in the massed ranks of the Bog End at games which is so good to see. The word is definitely getting out to the people of South London that there is a vibrant Non League set up at our place. With no fans being allowed into games, I'm glad too see many fans dipping their toes into Non League waters, hopefully some will come to realise that an expensive day out at a Premiership or Championship ground is not the only way to get a Footballing fix these days. 

Chelsea hooligans in a Police escort at their away fixture at White Hart Lane last season. A world of difference from watching Non League Football.

A big thanks to everyone who has helped promote the club. We have also had a good few from Sutton United turn up at games seeing as unfairly they can't get into games at their level which does seem strange. A great meeting of minds involving the "Shoe Box" and the "Irish Lot" proved that Football is the universal language of people who like a drink or two. I honestly hope that Sutton are allowed to play in front of their fans soon. Bornatotter looking butch in a rather fetching green cardigan which made several fashion obsessed Bog Enders from The Ramble Inn rather jealous. It takes a brave man to wear a green cardigan out and about these days....or someone without a mirror in his house. 

A big thanks to everyone who have said they enjoyed the pod cast myself and Bog End Ant did with Ash from "Cathedral of sport" team, so much positive feed back which is very much appreciated.
Of course it won't be long before I'm being interviewed on Sky Sports News or having to kill a badger with my bare hands while being shouted at by Ant Middleton on "Celebrity SAS are you tough enough". Until then I'll stick to doing these blogs.

I don't often back up Premership teams but well done to Arsenal for getting rid of Gunnersaurus. It's about time The Premier League took a stand along side David Icke to defeat our Lizard Overlords. Gunnersaurus will be the first of many to feel humanities backlash in the battle for mankind.

      David Icke's arch nemesis

Hope to get the merch table up and running again soon, watch this space for any news. Just looking at how this can be done without getting in the way and having a knock on effect of the social distancing at home games.

Health update, along with still getting over a mild case of Covid which knocked me for six, I've just been told I have Diabetes Type 2, which has been a wake up call heath wise. No more comfort eating Snickers, Mars Bars or Twix along with a coffee with 6 sugars after yet another bloody defeat. Not to sure how Mrs H will react but I've told her I caught it off a toilet seat so it should be ok.