Not coming home.....

Hurrah, Dear Reader. More words of wisdom from Hackbridge Towers as the pre-season friendlies start up again. We will also delve into the magical world of the Euros which I've quite enjoyed this year. Footballs coming home!!!!!!! 

Pre Season starts at Corinthian Casuals

 First up, a friendly on the back pitch was against our tenants Tooting Bec who I must say are really looking better and better and do seem as if they will have yet another good season. An entertaining 0-0 draw which possibly was a fair result as both teams missed good chances and both hit the woodwork on several occasions. I must admit that I spend most of my time at the Pre-season games chatting and gossiping so don't look to me for in-depth views on formations or new players or signing etc (As if you ever did). I just enjoyed the day in the sun. Good to see a few of the others at the game including Mad Ciaran who informed me that he is thinking of moving to Hackbridge and wanted to know the important things about the area like how much is an Uber to and from the Ramble Inn. If he does move to the area it may well put back any ideas of gentrification by around 15 years and have a significant effect on house prices meaning you will be able to pick up a 3 bed house with a garage for about 250 quid... I must add how smart he looked in his bright yellow Ukrainian football shirt which he proudly wore and which I'm sure will get him a bit of cash back from Ebay in a week or so.

                     #FFS

 Talking of which.... Watched the England - Ukraine game in the bar after the Bec match... A good crowd in the bar singing and yelling their heads of as England defied the odds by 

A/ Playing well 

B/ Winning comfortably. 

When it comes to International football I often tell people I have enough Scots and Irish blood not to really care about England and enough English blood not to care about either the Scots or Irish, but I must admit my Anglo Saxon side was very happy after the game which may have had a lot to do with Gareth Southgate’s team selection and a very good England performance.... Or the large amount of Guinness I drank.... Either way a good night out. 

Toots second Pre-Season game was away to Three Bridges on the following Tuesday and ended up a 1-0 defeat on the same night Italy beat Spain to get to the Final on penalties. Of course, to mark the occasion, Toots missed a last-minute penalty and now this run of bad luck, or to be honest, badly taken penalties carries on which is a bit of a worry to us sensitive types on the Bog End. 

I was back to Fortress Imperial on the Wednesday Night to watch the England v Denmark game. Another great night surrounded by rather loud people. What can I say, England proving everyone wrong and getting through to the Final. Since taking on the teachings of Karl Marx and upsetting the Daily Mail the whole England set up has really done well now get ready for Italy in the Final on Sunday. Ant got in early and helped arranged a table so I've no doubt that Sunday night might involve Guinness and singing. 

But before that is the important matter of another Pre-Season game against Frank Wilson's Merstham side, again on the back 3G pitch. A good run out for the team and a 3-1 victory. Yet again I spent most of the match gossiping and chatting to whoever was unlucky enough to stand next to me. I'm looking forward to the start of the season as I think we have a good chance of doing well. Covid took away our chances of making the play offs over the last two seasons. Fingers crossed it will be different this year. 

Did you know England won the World Cup in 1966? Most people don't know this little-known fact as it never ever gets mentioned at all and with this in mind I set off to the bar at Fortress Imperial to watch Gareth’s Groovy Gang take on Italy in the Euro Final to watch Football coming home (Spoiler Alert). It didn't. A fantastic start from England which gave everyone the hope that England may do it was crushed in the 2nd half as Italy equalised and I think deep down we all knew the outcome. Yet another penalty shootout fuck up as Rashford hop, skipped, jumped, farted and passed the ball to the Italian goalie instead of just smashing the fucking thing was the start of the doom and gloom. I feel dreadfully sorry for the young lads who missed who then predictably suffered online abuse from the total bellends that seem to hide behind their phones and computers during England games. Lots of positives from England and it was great to see various communities getting behind the team and coaching staff but still heart breaking yet again to see the trouble afterwards and over the top drunken behaviour which is often the reason why so many other countries love it when England lose. Fucking embarrassing.... I’m feeling really quite down in the dumps as I write this, but at least, I haven’t woken up knowing there’s a photo of me with a smoke bomb sticking out of my bumhole and that I didn’t end up taking off my clothes on Wembley Way while off my face on various nasally ingested chemicals.

“Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country,” 

 Anyway, from the Banks of the Mighty Wandle there seems to be a lot of building work going on over at Sutton United's Gangrene Lane ground and the world famous "Shoe Box Terrace" has now been demolished which is a shame. As pointed out by Bog End Regular Mr Chops at least when the Shoe Box was in place all the weirdos used to be together in a small area and therefore easy to keep control of by the clever use of stewarding and cattle prods. Now they will be free to walk around and mix with normal supporters which I bet is one drawback their promotion into the Football League. Still all the work has allowed @bornatotter the chance to work around the ground in a High Vis jacket and a white hard hat / builders helmet looking like one of the Village People. 

Also, got to feel for Peter Crouch a once famous international footballer now so down on his luck he's forced to join the board at Dulwich Hamlet and make TV Documentaries about the club to try and earn enough cash to feed his growing family. With the Euros going on and the Country getting behind the Three Lions, it’s really sad to see an Ex England International footballer hit the depths of despair after the end of his career. I can only hope that things get better for him sooner rather than later and that one day he can hold his head up high again.

Another thing I did learn over the past couple of weeks is that having a photo taken with a crying child can get you a lot of money, if only I'd started doing that a couple of seasons ago with Ant, We would have so much cash behind us we could both be in the space race with Elon Musk or Richard Branson trying to reach Uranus first or be living on a luxury yacht off the coast of Canvey Island, instead I'm spending my days looking out the window and wondering if Mad Ciaran is going to move in next door

Up The Terrors !!!!!

Tooting and Mitcham 0 - Covid 19

So thats it, 2019-20 over done and dusted (probably).  - Tooting and Mitcham 0 Covid 19, does sound like a result from our 2011-12 season but instead of a heart breaking trip down memory lane this means that because some one decided to have a "Bat and Pangolin Toasty" instead of cornflakes or a packet of crisps for a snack this season has pretty much been written off.

 

" I don't care if the shelves are empty, if I don't get my bastard bean shoots, you're getting a punch in the fucking throat"

 

 

"Bat and Pangolin Toasty" does sound like something they'd serve up at half time at Dulwich along with a organic seaweed pesto and honey glazed turnip fries as part of a 14 quid meal deal along with a pineapple and stinging nettle infused IPA brewed in some blokes garden shed in Bexleyheath.

Typical bloody Toots, get the season back on track and the bloody thing gets cancelled. Of course we would have won the league with 12 points to spare and had most of our squad represent England in the Euros, but it was not to be. With Dulwich hovering around the relegation places they must be slightly releived as well. Bastards.

I spent over two weeks with "mild" symptoms  of the Coronavirus and I promise you It was no fun what so ever. So take care all of my Dear Readers and don't take things lightly. Wash your hands and change your underpants every half hour just to make sure. I though that after surviving the gents toilets at Barking that I would be pretty much immune to 99.9999% of all viruses but this knocked me for six.

 

Day one of isolation in Hackbridge Towers March 2020. 

 

So a big clap to all NHS staff, carers and any poor sod who's looked after loved ones and a huge dose of clap to all hoarders and twats who filled their houses with toilet roll, hand sanitizer and food they'll never eat.

 

Day seven of isolation in Hackbridge Towers March 2020. 

I've watched all 10 series of "The Walking Dead" and not once did I see an episode when Rick and the gang went of to find toilet rolls. My main concern was that if I was to die that my last football match would have been Sutton United v Hartlepool which would have put the dampeners on my funeral and turned a happy event of joy and fun into a rather awkward couple of hours of small talk and shoe gazing.  

Day fourteen  of isolation in Hackbridge Towers March 2020. 

 

Anyway I now seem to be over the worse of things and just as well as Mrs H has finished drinking the last of the Hand sanitizer after spending all this time locked in doors with me and Ant.... which must be fun.

 

Back to more important things, I'll name drop those chaps over at South London is Black and White who have continued to put up loads of well written Terrors related blogs apart from the rubbish that Phil Nightingale has put up obviously. Pop over and say hello and if you have anything to added to the online Terror community please drop them an email

 

https://www.southlondonisblackandwhite.com/

 

And everyone over at St Matthews Project, who have become regulars over at Fortress Imperial and one in particular who uses his Saturday Afternoons as much needed moaning sessions. They do great work over there so again pop over and say hello and send them plenty of love and support.

 

http://www.thesmp.net/

The Covid virus will hit groups like SMP and the great work they do so please support what they do.

Who knows when I'll be back... Soon I hope, Stay Safe everyone and keep your underpants clean.

Up The Terrors !!!!!!

 

The 93rd Minute - More tales of my footballing life

Well the fun had to stop at some time didn't it. The happiness, joy and smiles that have had me walking around Hackbridge grinning like a lunatic have now left as I walk the streets of Beddington Corner avoiding the dog poo with tears in my eyes thinking back over the last few matches. Four games in the week that would test my love of the game and the power of my wallet to survive. As I write this on Sunday evening I feel liked I've been punched in the testicles by Anthony Joshua and I'm skint.

First up on Saturday 10th November came the Vikings from the frozen North, Ware FC who arrived at Fortress Imperial with a game plan of kicking our players off the park and they very nearly succeeded with what was could only be described as the right thuggish performance. Football is a contact sport but this was like watching the start of "Saving Private Ryan" as our players were hacked down at every given opportunity and watched by the match officials who seemed quite happy to watch two of our players get taken off with what looked like at the time, serious injuries. Yes of course we had not helped ourselves by having a player sent off for twatting one of theirs and letting Ware score if the 1st minute but they really were horrible.

Right at the end we were awarded a penalty which sent the very vocal Bog End into raptures as we looked to get at least a point from the game in which the Terrors had shown great team sprint after playing with ten men for most of the game. Of course we missed the bloody thing Peter Wedgeworth forcing a great save from their goalie who was the one Ware player who came out of the day with any dignity at all.... Then in the 93rd minute, again Peter Wedgeworth stepped up and sent a free kick on the edge of the box into the top corner which sent the Bog End mental. So we took a point from the game which can either be viewed as two points dropped or a point gained with an injury time goal. Anyway I left the ground with a big grin on my stunningly handsome face. Things were definitely looking better after the results at the start of the season. But dear reader, it was not to last.

Next up on Tuesday, the second round of the London Senior Cup tie and the visit of massive party poopers Harrow Borough. This a cup  many Terrors look forward to and is a competition which the club has a good record in. Those horrible sods took no notice of our feelings and stuffed us 5-2 in a quite one sided game. When ever you go out of the cup you can come out with the old footballing chestnut of "We can concentrate on the league now" or "The cup isn't important these days" but in truth we all want to win things or at least have a good cup run. I had spent most of the game sorting out the club shop so in the next few weeks hopefully we will be able to supply Tooting and Mitcham oven gloves, Bog End brand leather underpants and key rings.

I had a non league break on Thursday and headed up to Wembley for the England v USA friendly.
A number of clubs and groups in South West London had been kindly been given free tickets which had been arranged by Tooting's Labour MP , Dr Rosena Allin-Khan. Great to see loads of people at Wembley who would not normally ever get the chance to go to the stadium. (Tooting and Mitcham supporters). Good job the tickets were free if you did intend to get anything to eat or drink in the stadium or near by. I paid 8 quid for two portions of chips outside which were rank. Crisps, coffee and a Fanta in the ground didn't leave me with much change out of 20 quid. Just to think the FA want to give Scudamore a golden hand shake of 5 million. Should give him shares in the catering contract at Wembley instead of asking for cash of those hard strapped Premiership clubs.
Never really ever got into watching international football as I find it often brings out the worse in some people, but it was an enjoyable evening and I'm happy to say that I didn't see any white plastic chairs thrown in anger.

Off to the England game wearing my lucky World Cup 1966 coat.

The last game of the week was a trip down the A3 to Woking to play a league game against Westfield. They had just been promoted from the Combined Counties and were sitting happily in mid table. Nice little ground near to their neighbours Woking who play about half a mile away. Last time I wrote about Woking I mentioned the towns Modfather Paul Weller so I was a little worried that  Big Bad Paul and his funny haircut might turn up for a tear up... But he bottled it. Wanker.
I think I'm right in saying that it was their biggest crowd so far this season who witnessed a dire match from a TMUFC perspective. The Terrors going one nil up in the first couple of minutes which I missed as I was in the loo. Unluckily for me I was not in the toilet for the next 90 or so minutes as an attack of diarrhoea would have been a more fun filled way to spend a Saturday afternoon. Westfield equalising in the 74th minute and deep down the travelling Terrors knew what would happen. In the 93rd minute a corner was not cleared properly giving Westfield one last shot which went through a pack of player into the net. Can't really moan as Luke Colquhoun in the Tooting goal had kept us in the game with some great saves but losing to an injury time goal hurts never the less.
Westfield were a lovely club and kindly let me win a bottle of Jamaican Rum in their match day raffle.

 

Things could always be worse, you could be sitting in the back seat of this car getting a lift home after the Westfield game..

Well. Next up for yours truly is the visit from our friends from Corinthian Casuals in the Surrey Senior Cup, one of our local rivals who are more than holding their own in the Bostik Premiership which makes our car crash of a season last year even more hard to take. This Cup is really our only realistic hope of a trophy for this season. Fingers crossed that those posh gits take pity on us and play one of their schoolboy teams as a act of good will...... Tune into the next blog to find out if I'll be "Happy" or "Grumpy" or maybe one of the other "Seven Dwarfs"... Is there one called "Miserable Sod" or "Twatty" ?

Sir Tim Magone

Another Guest Writer. This time Sir Timothy Megone. King of The Bog End.

It's fair too say that Tim is one of the "Characters" over at Tooting and Mitcham. When I say "Characters", I mean nutcase.

I don’t go along with the Fifth Columnists and the Shabby Naysayers who attributed England’s World Cup progress to a horny cocktail of good fortune and sub-standard opposition. Or the general idea that we are light years away from the glittering citadels that bestride international football.
England have fucked it up in the past against supposed village level opposition and there was no prospect of that on this occasion (or at least there shouldn’t have been against Tunisia if the officials had turned up in the first half). Sweden and Colombia were genuinely dangerous opponents that we sent packing (albeit after a decidedly wobbly finish against the latter) and we weren’t far off toppling Croatia, who could easily have won the whole thing.
If you take away the Big Potatoes of the tournament – France, Belgium, Croatia and Brazil – you’re left with a chasing pack of spritely whippersnappers and plucky fuckers (Mexico, Switzerland) and stumbling giants (Germany and Argentina) without a lot to choose between them, and England somewhere near the front of the perky pretender brigade.
I remain firmly convinced that if Mikhail Antonio (injured and out of favour, but immortalized by his Tooting and Mitcham past and morally still black and white all the way) had been on board in Russia, things would have been different and the 52 year drout ended once and for all.
England could also do with a hefty improvement in the musical accompaniment department, starting by ditching the forelock tugging dirge that masquerades as a national anthem. That’s the song they play before Northern Ireland matches where our Lord and Saviour is requested to rescue an elderly German woman from who knows what – the perils of silly hats at Ascot?  Perhaps we could have a song about England instead?
Steel Eye Span’s (or is it Spam, as in fritter) ‘All Around My Hat’ appears to fit the bill. Blown away by the orgasmic musical swirl, I never really listened to the lyrics, but educated guesswork and wishful thinking tell me that it deals with Morris dancing and pagan rituals in the Forest of Dean, garnished with assorted Village Idiot rites of passage (cheese rolling, shin-kicking and stinging nettle eating competitions, with Countryfile’s John Craven gazing lovingly from afar). Does it for me.

England’s lusty surge to the World Cup semi-final and the beer-soaked frenzy that went with it brought back memories of 1990, when people who normally couldn’t give a shit about football steamed in on the act, casting off their shackles and running amok through fields, forests, bus shelters and discos across the realm – while those of us who’d suffered the Three Lions’ constipated flounderings for years wondered what the fuck was going on.
My daughter is one of the new breed of steely eyed zealots, which is puzzling when you consider her footballing past with Tooting and Mitcham: - she strolled onto the scene over a decade ago to the riotous splendour of Richard Cadette’s fantastic but fragile and ultimately failed promotion chasing team. It featured the rampaging heroics of ‘Super Johnny’ Hastings (with his six-goal haul against Kentish tunnel fuckers Ashford Town), which put Harry Kane’s recent exploits in the shade.
All of which failed to impress her and she turned her back on the One True Cause after a couple of years’ failed indoctrination from the Bog End priesthood. But if the devil-may-care antics of Jordan Pickford and Harry Maguire are enough to entice her back to Tooting’s shrivelling fan base, then that will do me fine.

I’m still struggling to cope with the passing of another World Cup. Despite missing more bits than I would have wanted (Serbia v Switzerland for starters), I probably enjoyed this one more than any that I can remember.
As a defender of righteousness and justice across the globe, my default position has always been to stand by the arbiters of law and order, so it will come as no surprise that I found the general standard of refereeing pretty handy, especially compared with the crap that we put up with in the 1990’s.
Perversely, amongst the low lights was the introduction of VAR, with frequently questionable reviews, followed by massive delays and sealed with often shitty decisions, Iran’s dodgy penalty against Portugal being a case in point, but one that ultimately didn’t change anything. The one that stole the show – because it affected the course of the game and quite possibly the outcome - was the ludicrous penalty awarded to France in the final against Croatia. 
Rio Ferdinand defended the new system by bleating something about it making the game more entertaining. Possibly, but you could achieve roughly the same effect by bringing on a bunch of fire quaffing jugglers or inviting Sepp Blatter and the Pope to duel naked in a giant vat of custard for 90 minutes. Whether you’d get footballing justice is another matter. 
I think the real problem may not be the technology itself but the longstanding obsession amongst officialdom with pointing to the spot every time the ball flies within farting distance of a fingernail anywhere in the vicinity of the penalty area.
I’m looking forward next season to seeing the non-league version of this, especially at the fourth tier where Tooting and Mitcham will be scrapping for glory with a variety of pig farms, several of them Middlesex, Surrey and Berks and Bucks outposts - set for deserved destruction if the Heathrow empire megalomaniacs have their way.
The technology won’t have been invented yet, so slow motion replays will presumably be enacted by amateur thespians from a local drama group pissing about with a beach ball in the club bar. A panel of experts, ideally myself, will mete out justice and retribution and the flame of truth and freedom will burn brightly and destroy all in its path.




Cheers Tim.....


I nicked all of this of his Facebook page with his permission I may add....