Not Massive Anymore

Staines...Staines.... The Horror.... The Horror.... Apocalypse Now for  TMUFC..... The Horror..... But before that dear reader.... 

Tooting and Mitcham win at          Staines

All roads lead to Wembley... Or is it Rome. One of the two anyway and we are still on our way after a good win against Romford in the FA Trophy. Plenty of panicking behind the scenes in the days before the game as it was not certain how many would be allowed into the ground. Like most things these days nobody seems to have a clue what is happening from day to day. I've given up watching the news as I already struggle with working out who I can mix with, talk to, drink with, speak to and stalk on a daily basis. 

Another bumper crowd at Fortress Imperial to see us beat the cast of TOWIE. Two well taken goals sending us on our way to North West London and the arch over Wembley Stadium which I still think looks like a half closed toilet seat from a distance. Next up is a trip to sunny Bognor Regis on the South Coast, which looks like being a big away day for the Travelling Terrors. We have already bought loads of the online tickets which means another bumper away day.

On to Staines and a large group of Travelling Terrors headed out west to watch the mighty Toots play yet another so called bogie team, so called because they are. We have a terrible record against this lot. 

Songs about Ali G and Borat filled the air from the crowd which seemed to be at least half Toots fans. Even the harmonica got an outing. Well they're not massive anymore as Big Mitch pointed out.  A 4-0 victory perhaps helped by a dodgy red card which I'm told was harsh but as all Terrors know The Football Gods owe us a favour or two. 

Goals from

Troy Walters (21')

Elijah Simpson (76')

Jake Rose (81')

Dan Williams (90') 

Making sure the 3 points ended up on the banks of the Wandle.

The Staines stewards having their work cut out stopping the Bog End drinking cans on the terraces in a football version of prohibition  which was rather more Loch Ness than Elliot Ness in a futile attempt to stop people drinking. 

"Alcohol is the Devils Urine, don't drink it"

If you've started just coming to home games, please dip your toes in the Terrors Away Daze experience. The club has fantastic support both home and away.  

So goodbye and best wishes to Goalkeeper James Shaw who has left for pastures new. A great bloke and fans favourite who also helped those Cheeky Chappies at "South London Is Black And White" with a couple of well written blogs. Sad when popular players leave, but that is the nature of the game. I wish him well where ever he goes. Fingers crossed that our paths will cross again and "The Irish Lot" give him heaps of abuse for 90mins... Cheers James. 

I must add it is very very rarely I've heard our any of our ex players getting any grief for moving away. For some it just doesn't work out, for others, the chance to play for clubs above us in the footballing pyramid is understandably a reason to leave. Some find it hard to commit to balancing home, family and work commitments. The managers also have had to make difficult decisions, some of which at first make no sense to the fans in the stands or behind the goal but in reality are for the best of the team. 

We have lost a number of key players in the last few months and things might take a bit longer to sort out, but we are heading in the right direction as resent results have proved... Keep The Faith. 

Well lets hope they have finished the Bishopsford Road Bridge by May next year or the open top bus journey after winning the FA Trophy will involve us going up, down, then around Rose Hill roundabout half a dozen times. I might have to contact the local council about this and tell them to pull their finger out and get it sorted.   

Last but not least. A big thanks to all the match day volunteers who have helped things run so smoothly at our home games this season. A fantastic team effort off the pitch by everyone. Especially me.... and my ego. 

Up The Terrors.... 

#TwoTinsForTooting

Watch this space !!!!!

Apocalypse Slough - The thoughts of Sir Tim Megone.

More from Sir Timothy Megone, Bog End Royalty and Loony.

APOCALYPSE SLOUGH – THE SEQUEL

Despite Tooting’s history of mostly abject failure in the competition since the days when Boney M and Dickie Davies conspired to control the planet, the FA Cup still has a stranglehold on my senses. When we finally made it to the First Round Proper in 2009 after 32 years in the wilderness, I was a happy but senseless wreck for the 8-week duration of that magical journey. No danger of that this year.

Back in September, Fortress Imperial Fields hosted competitive football for the first time in over six months, in the form of the FA Cup preliminary round tie against Fisher Athletic.

The loin moistening prospect of Tooting cup glory wasn’t really an issue as I fumbled my way into the spooky world of online bookings for match tickets in the face of rumours of sell- out crowds in a reduced capacity stadium.

The prospect of a (sort of) packed stadium without me there to see righteousness prevail raised the stakes as kick-off time drew near, and sweat drenched panic took over as I broke into a lusty sprint alongside the Wandle’s throbbing torrents.

Omens and Devilry are never far away in non-league football and I stared long and hard at the fat grey heron on the river bank in my search for a glimpse of the future, but he had fuck all to say in response.

At the ground, the queues brought back memories of epic cup ties all those decades ago and cup fever’s horny clasp was upon me once again.

But dread and foreboding took over when people in the queue (complete strangers, which is a bit of a novelty these days in Terror Town) started to discuss what happened if the scores were level after 90 minutes. Penalties apparently. No replays, no extra time, just fucking penalties.

A fair few of my favourite Tooting memories have involved famous cup replay victories under lights, none more so than our epic extra time 4-3 triumph at Eastbourne Borough back in 2009, but we could forget about all that because the FA have spent the last 20-30 years or so desecrating their greatest asset. Replays consigned to the bowels of oblivion, extra time but a passing fad.

Aside from that, my metabolism isn’t equipped to deal with penalties in the first match of the season.

At that point, I still was more concerned with beating the crowds to get into the ground before the gates closed and hadn’t given the performance or result much thought.

The fear and loathing only really set in when, safely through the turnstiles, I heard Trifle King Roy Sisley’s quivering announcement over the tannoy that our guest of honour was former Tooting star Trevor Dark. The attacking midfielder-cum-forward had emerged from Mitcham to play top flight football, aged 16, at Anfield, turning out for a disintegrating Birmingham City team. After that, the only way was up and he joined Tooting in November ’87, scoring and starring in an epic 5-3 triumph over a cheating Hayes outfit. But the storm clouds were gathering and 18 months later, Trevor was in the side that wobbled perilously towards the club’s first ever relegation and took on Slough Town at their place, needing a convincing win to survive.

With the hordes roaring them on, the Terrors titillated us all by ripping apart the Berkshire village for fifteen minutes without actually scoring. After that, western civilization collapsed and we conceded four, missing two second half penalties under crimson skies. Trevor’s was the second of these abominations, his cunningly slow strike failing to deceive the keeper as it snailed its way into his grateful grasp. Howls of contempt rained down from one or two of the Bog End vultures and there followed a cheerful exchange of abuse, but by then I was too depressed to see straight, let alone speak. Apocalypse Slough indeed.

Trevor Dark was a good player and seemed like a decent bloke from the handful of conversations I recall but he had returned, all be it unwittingly, to curse our cup crusade, as I knew only too well from the moment of Sisley’s salute.

Perhaps the penalties defeat was inevitable, though it would have helped if the Fisher keeper was less than blow job distance from our erratic penalty takers when they struck their wayward efforts.

But Satan weaves another spell – the curse that comes with our large stadium and expectant support: the visitors, like lower league Fisher, well organized, fitter and more motivated on their big day out: even after centre half Sinn’kaye Christie, rising like a young salmon, nodded us ahead and Dontai Stewart, with a sizzling first time finish, restored our lead, the docklands dealers coming back to equalize at the death.

Apocalypse Slough had returned and slinked away, but the Terrors, lethal on their travels for most of 2020, have still to overcome their demons at home to triumph in the name of justice and freedom.  And we can’t afford to hang around for the fat heron of the Wandle to give us permission.

Top of the League....ish

Well all good in the hood as they say. Toots headed to the top of the League after away victories at FC Romania, Ashford Town and beating Harlow at Fortress Imperial. This all following the trip to Dunstable in the Trophy which turned out to be a great away day up Norf in the Land of the Stark Family. So of course, this would come to a crashing end at Fortress Imperial to Waltham Abbey, who depending on your views played a nasty, dirty game which unsettled the Terrors or as in my case lost to a team who defended well and didn't give Toots anytime on the ball. A special mention to their goalie who was 6'11" and commanded the area like a giant hairy sasquash patrolling the woods and forests of the American Pacific North West. All in front of a capacity  400 crowd which is very impressive, a shame they did not get to see a win. Tooting need to learn to play against the more physical teams. We can beat anyone if allowed to play football but as we all know, not all teams play like that. We also need to find our scoring boots pretty soon as just a hand full of goals so far this season needs to be looked at sooner rather than later. But I can't fault the effort or commitment of the players, things will work out but the home league form needs to improve for us to have a realistic chance of promotion or at least the play offs.

     Hands across The Wandle 

A lot of new supporters in the massed ranks of the Bog End at games which is so good to see. The word is definitely getting out to the people of South London that there is a vibrant Non League set up at our place. With no fans being allowed into games, I'm glad too see many fans dipping their toes into Non League waters, hopefully some will come to realise that an expensive day out at a Premiership or Championship ground is not the only way to get a Footballing fix these days. 

Chelsea hooligans in a Police escort at their away fixture at White Hart Lane last season. A world of difference from watching Non League Football.

A big thanks to everyone who has helped promote the club. We have also had a good few from Sutton United turn up at games seeing as unfairly they can't get into games at their level which does seem strange. A great meeting of minds involving the "Shoe Box" and the "Irish Lot" proved that Football is the universal language of people who like a drink or two. I honestly hope that Sutton are allowed to play in front of their fans soon. Bornatotter looking butch in a rather fetching green cardigan which made several fashion obsessed Bog Enders from The Ramble Inn rather jealous. It takes a brave man to wear a green cardigan out and about these days....or someone without a mirror in his house. 

A big thanks to everyone who have said they enjoyed the pod cast myself and Bog End Ant did with Ash from "Cathedral of sport" team, so much positive feed back which is very much appreciated.
Of course it won't be long before I'm being interviewed on Sky Sports News or having to kill a badger with my bare hands while being shouted at by Ant Middleton on "Celebrity SAS are you tough enough". Until then I'll stick to doing these blogs.

I don't often back up Premership teams but well done to Arsenal for getting rid of Gunnersaurus. It's about time The Premier League took a stand along side David Icke to defeat our Lizard Overlords. Gunnersaurus will be the first of many to feel humanities backlash in the battle for mankind.

      David Icke's arch nemesis

Hope to get the merch table up and running again soon, watch this space for any news. Just looking at how this can be done without getting in the way and having a knock on effect of the social distancing at home games.

Health update, along with still getting over a mild case of Covid which knocked me for six, I've just been told I have Diabetes Type 2, which has been a wake up call heath wise. No more comfort eating Snickers, Mars Bars or Twix along with a coffee with 6 sugars after yet another bloody defeat. Not to sure how Mrs H will react but I've told her I caught it off a toilet seat so it should be ok.

Country File

You have to watch yourself now with songs, especially if you are an exceptionally gifted song writer and harmonica player like myself.  

The Hackbridge Musical Sex God

When playing Sufolk side Needham Market a couple of seasons ago I along with a number of others on the Bog End were in the middle of a tuneful song about pig molesters when one of our stewards asked if "Pig Molesting" was a racist term. I was slighty worried about this as being a true snowflake lefty wefty and asked around the more politically knowledgeable on the Bog End for their views...To be accused of racism, sexism or animalism  when discussing the habits of people living outside London is something we must all be aware of in this day and age. I don't want readers thinking I spend my weekends defending statues around Westminster while wearing Stone Island in case the streets are filled with anarchic farmers hell bent on destroying London or more importantly the area around Hackbridge.I along with Tim Magone have worked out scientifically that people born and raised outside Zone 5 on the tube map are most likely to dance around may polls or chase cheese down steep hills as opposed to someone born in Lambeth, who finds it a little bit daft. League rivals Chipstead spend their pre season worshipping various Pagan gods and burning a 50ft Wicker man in the club car park. South Park club officals dress in animal skins and chase virgins around the town square at midnight before their first home game of the season. I will never truly understand those country types from the countryside and their strange rusic ways. I got worried the other day watching half naked people in Mitcham dancing around a fire, but it turned out to be local youths off their heads on cheap cider and glue watching a burning moped, not some satanic ceremony to welcome the second wave of Covid 19. 

The pre season game against Carshalton brought up the subject of "Pig molesting, Morris dancers" again as we visted the Robins and their "country ways" Lets hope that one day soon we will visit the straw munching six fingered bumpkins of Sutton United for a game, until then, I'm more than happy to carry on singing songs about Morris Dancing and bestiality to our rivals outside Zone 5 on the TFL Oyster card map and will continue to do so....

So the first league game of the season against Hertford, land of the broken lawn mowers if their pitch was anything to go by last year. Well as it was pointed out by Millwall Will we carried on our 100% start to the season by losing again, this time 2-1. The team looked as if they were trying to work out how to play as a unit instead of as a group of individuals. Very disappointing as it was in front of a 315 crowd on a lovely sunny day. Good to see Tom Jelley back in stripes and glad he was involved in our goal putting the ball into the penalty area for Jake Rose to head in.

Had a good chat with Lee and Jamie from St Matthews Project which didn't end up as a 90min old man rant about everything and anything going on at the moment in this green and pleasant land. Hopefully we'll put that right by the end of the season. Really pleased that the links between TMUFC and St Matthews have grown. They do so much work looking out for and helping young people in South London.

www.thesmp.net

www.facebook.com/St-Matthews-Project

Twitter : @smpbrixton

Well a big shout out to those brave men and women in the blue hi-vis jackets and the stewards who help get this game and the game against Fisher sorted due to the new Covid rules. Still a learning curve behind the scenes but things seem to be going well. Good also to see all the new faces turn up to watch the mighty Toots, fingers crossed they will have something to cheer shortly.

Don't forget to check out those cheeky chaps from South London is Black and White on Twitter and Instagram

@TaM_BaW

@southlondonisblackandwhite

They have bought two season tickets for this season to be used by people wanting to see the mighty Toots.... Please check their excellent blogs for more details.

Warren from SLIBAW also does the Match Day programme now and a very good job he does of it as well.

Yes I know people are a bit down and waiting for the first win, but we certainly have good players in the squad, just need them to gel a bit better.....

Up The Terrors.  

There's only one F in Fisher

Well I knew it would go pear shapped after spending days, weeks and months waiting for and looking forward to the start of compeditive football, on the morning of the game I dropped a heavy extension lead onto my foot hurting my poor old big toe thus ruining the good happy mood I was in, turning it into an impending sense of doom and gloom. As I hobbled of to Fortress Imperial for the FA Cup game with Fisher FC and their noisy away following I was concerned that our visitors from SE London would be up for the game more than us and in truth even though we went ahead twice, Fisher battled on drawing level and then deservedly winning the tie on penalties. Daryl Coleman came close to hitting me full in the face with his attempt that sailed over the crossbar like a cannon shot fired at the battle of Waterloo. Not a good way to start the season with a game like this. I love the cup and now the chance to progress into the later rounds has gone I'm rather glum with the pain in my toe hurting as much as my broken heart.... The plus side is that being as superstious as I am, I'd have to drop an extension lead on my toe every week before going to games if we had won.... Every cloud...

    There's Only One F in Fisher

Still good to get back to see the Terrors and meet up with the Bog End faithfull, many I've not seen for a while. Even though the result and in truth the game are best forgotten being back watching football has been a welcome distraction to everything else that seems to be going on in the world at the moment. Mrs H no doubt is a lot happier knowing that she will get so well deserved peace and quiet from myself and Bog End Ant on Saturdays from now on. 

The Bog End are back together at last...

The Pre Season was a bit hit and miss.... well more miss in truth but we often do better during the season after a slow Pre Season so fingers crossed for the coming year and please keep fingers and toes ( maybe not toes) crossed that Covid 19 does not hit hard and put a stop to things again, always make sure you wear a mask and other PPE items when out and about like these two Sutton United fans spotted on Manor Park earlier on Saturday morning.

So now we can concentrate on the league.... And all the other cup compitions we may or not be in this year as I'm not sure what is happening to be honest. Just remember Wembley is over rated and expensive and you get better chips at Hanwell anyway so maybe Fisher did us a favour...

South London Is Black And White

Up The Terrors

Tooting and Mitcham 0 - Covid 19

So thats it, 2019-20 over done and dusted (probably).  - Tooting and Mitcham 0 Covid 19, does sound like a result from our 2011-12 season but instead of a heart breaking trip down memory lane this means that because some one decided to have a "Bat and Pangolin Toasty" instead of cornflakes or a packet of crisps for a snack this season has pretty much been written off.

 

" I don't care if the shelves are empty, if I don't get my bastard bean shoots, you're getting a punch in the fucking throat"

 

 

"Bat and Pangolin Toasty" does sound like something they'd serve up at half time at Dulwich along with a organic seaweed pesto and honey glazed turnip fries as part of a 14 quid meal deal along with a pineapple and stinging nettle infused IPA brewed in some blokes garden shed in Bexleyheath.

Typical bloody Toots, get the season back on track and the bloody thing gets cancelled. Of course we would have won the league with 12 points to spare and had most of our squad represent England in the Euros, but it was not to be. With Dulwich hovering around the relegation places they must be slightly releived as well. Bastards.

I spent over two weeks with "mild" symptoms  of the Coronavirus and I promise you It was no fun what so ever. So take care all of my Dear Readers and don't take things lightly. Wash your hands and change your underpants every half hour just to make sure. I though that after surviving the gents toilets at Barking that I would be pretty much immune to 99.9999% of all viruses but this knocked me for six.

 

Day one of isolation in Hackbridge Towers March 2020. 

 

So a big clap to all NHS staff, carers and any poor sod who's looked after loved ones and a huge dose of clap to all hoarders and twats who filled their houses with toilet roll, hand sanitizer and food they'll never eat.

 

Day seven of isolation in Hackbridge Towers March 2020. 

I've watched all 10 series of "The Walking Dead" and not once did I see an episode when Rick and the gang went of to find toilet rolls. My main concern was that if I was to die that my last football match would have been Sutton United v Hartlepool which would have put the dampeners on my funeral and turned a happy event of joy and fun into a rather awkward couple of hours of small talk and shoe gazing.  

Day fourteen  of isolation in Hackbridge Towers March 2020. 

 

Anyway I now seem to be over the worse of things and just as well as Mrs H has finished drinking the last of the Hand sanitizer after spending all this time locked in doors with me and Ant.... which must be fun.

 

Back to more important things, I'll name drop those chaps over at South London is Black and White who have continued to put up loads of well written Terrors related blogs apart from the rubbish that Phil Nightingale has put up obviously. Pop over and say hello and if you have anything to added to the online Terror community please drop them an email

 

https://www.southlondonisblackandwhite.com/

 

And everyone over at St Matthews Project, who have become regulars over at Fortress Imperial and one in particular who uses his Saturday Afternoons as much needed moaning sessions. They do great work over there so again pop over and say hello and send them plenty of love and support.

 

http://www.thesmp.net/

The Covid virus will hit groups like SMP and the great work they do so please support what they do.

Who knows when I'll be back... Soon I hope, Stay Safe everyone and keep your underpants clean.

Up The Terrors !!!!!!

 

Lord of the Ring

Well dear reader. A tale of two epic journeys, one to the far flung reaches of East London where the wind blows and the locals moan. Then on to the Wild West where it doesn’t blow to much and the locals apart from one didn’t moan too much.

 

Another good travel book but have they been to Barking ? 

 

So, like little hairy footed Hobbits me and Bog End Ant set off on our first epic trip to Barking away. Normally a straight forward trip from Hackbridge Towers but with TFL deciding the balls up every route with engineering works and line closures the trip over to The Land of The Garnets was to be interesting. But even fucking Tolkien would struggle to put into words how shit my day would turn out to be. After about four changes and ending up on something called the C2C line? we arrived in the land of Eastern Delights finally.
After slaying dragons and meeting strange and evil smelling people in the spoons outside Barking Station we headed to the ground full of the local ales and mead to watch the glorious Terrors strike down the Alfs of Barking. Guess what happened….
Well the wind didn’t help as Hurricane Doris blew in over the tops of the luxury housing but after Toots went one nil up the travelling Tooty Wootys were fairly optimistic about the game. Tooting and Mitcham are either mind blowinly great or not… Barking away was a “not” day. Many of the players on show were new to the club as the management team brought in severval new players to help put a block on the slight wobble Toots were having. It didn’t take long for Barking to get one back and deep down we all knew what would happen. We had a female ref as well and being the trendy lefty snowflake type I was hoping that she would have a good game and not have to put up with any out of order comments or sexist chants from the Terrace Oscar Wilds in attendance. You be pleased to know that in the spirit of equality that she was just as fucking shite as any male match official had been this season. So, one in the eye to anyone who is against Women in football. Missing a blatant penalty in the second half and allowing both teams to stand around looking lost for large periods of the game, while the officials looked at each other with blank expressions. Yes, we lost… And another ex-player Mike Dixon scored which just added to the perfect day in the exotic East of London.
 

Bliss 

 

The journey home would have tested the hardest hobbit or dwarf as every single bastard way home was blocked by those evil wizard sleeves TFL. Ant and I walking first for miles through the City of London then for miles in bastard Wimbledon (Wanky Wanky Wombles) in the vain search for something to eat that would not cost a second bloody mortgage. Ending up in Tooting where after a long and in truth rather shit day I came close to having a meltdown in a fried chicken shop outside Tooting Broadway Station as they took hours doing my very hard order of two potions of chips and some chicken nuggets. The food outlet at Barking looked about as hygienic as the toilets so we swerved the chips at the game leading to major hunger pains on our trek back to the fields and glens of Hackbridge. We finally got in about 9ish, I’ve had some crap days following Tooting but this would be in the top five which as anyone knows following TMUFC is quite a statement.
 

I missed the mid-week trip to Westfields and the delights of Woking on a Tuesday night therefore missing what I’m told was a good battling performance after going one nil down early on to one of our many promotion rivals and earning a 1-1 draw and hopefully putting an end to the slight hiccup the club was going through on the pitch.

 

 

 

Now for the Wild West trip to Hanwell, a sleepy rustic village just off the A40 were at the age of 15 I had my first tattoo done in a place that made the tea hut at Barking look like an BUPA operating theatre. Mother was so proud. This journey being a lot easier as the Wicked Witch of TLF let the ork population of London travel freely on the day so a short trip to magical land of Perivale on the Central Line was the start of our second epic journey. Ant using social media on the trip to troll me which was pointed out with great delight by “That Irish Lot” at the ground. Who must (Like Everyone Else) question my parenting skills in raising the little bastard.

 

                                                Feck, Arse, Tooting, Ladies Knickers

As for the game, well Yes, it had its moments on the pitch both clubs playing to win in what was a very important game for both clubs and we were a tad lucky to keep DC on the pitch after an “Incident” just before half time. The ref deciding to play what seemed about 30 minutes injury time in the hope Hanwell would equalise when the score went to 3-2. But as they pressed forward to allow the Toots to counter attack and two very late goals gave us a rather flattering 5-2 score line but one I’ll happily take. A rather splendid day out for the travelling Toots who yet again must of made up at least a third of the crowd. Ant and I set off with a spring in our step back home to Hobbit Hackbridge with full bellies thanks to the great chips on sale at Hanwell. Hurrah.

We got messaged on the Bog End Facebook page by a Hanwell supporter. Whose profile photo had him wearing a QPR shirt rather proudly, wanting to know if “We” had a problem and describing the behaviour of the Plum Clad players as being less than friendly and pretty much saying what thugs both the players and fans were. He phoned the club on Sunday as well. Strange I saw nothing over the top and found the locals at Hanwell very friendly and great hosts. Also, worth noting that both sets of players were in the bar afterwards and seemed happy in each other’s company.

Most people regard the arrival of the stripes as a magical experience full of wonder and joy, others would rather lick Coronavirus off a seat after a Dulwich home game.. Bollocks to ‘em

 

Up The Stripes !!!!!